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Critical Analysis #2
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Fire
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Fire |
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Kamala Member
since 2003-04-17
Posts 59CA, USA |
Another in the series, I look forward to your comments. --------------- Fire Watching blue-necked flames in the fireplace contort white heat, yellow tongues; I understand pyromania, long to make it manifest. I have been burning inside for years, for years envying the fed fire’s tirelessness: violent light, self-consuming logs shedding form, carbon to billow in wild black freedom. I have been too still. Now I’d let the hot red swallow me, but I am petrified. This fire is not enough and no memory of dead blazes can serve me. |
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Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704 |
Once again - this requires thought, so I'll be back when I have a: time and b: a working brain...  K |
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Kamala Member
since 2003-04-17
Posts 59CA, USA |
you're the best, severn... i was beginning to feel neglected. thanks in advance for the a) time and b) working brain thoughts! cheers, kamala ps: congrats on your book acceptance! what a great set of poems. i really enjoyed them. |
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hush Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653Ohio, USA |
Hi Kamala. 'Watching blue-necked flames in the fireplace contort white heat, yellow tongues;' I think this starts off kind of weak, nothing in these first two lines really grabs me. Blue-necked is a neat image, but other than that, there's nothing that really interests me that much, as far as phrasing goes. Flames in the fireplace... white heat... the painfully overdone yellow tongues. There has to be something more creative, image-wise, that you could come up with. 'I understand pyromania, long to make it manifest.' At first, pyromania put me off, mainly becaue I think it is abused for too often as a complement to personal image. In this case, however, it works, and I think its interesting that your speaker understands something, and longs to experience it... it's a more interesting element than simply "I am a pyromaniac." 'I have been burning inside for years, for years envying the fed fire's tirelessness:' Interestingly, I wonder about woman's tirelessness... that is, your speaking has been burning inside for years. Is she tired? Running out of fuel? Who or what feeds her? Does she not realize her own strength as she admires it in others? This is really great character development, for the individual speaker, as well as representative of what seem to have become universal female tendencies and concerns. 'violent light, self-consuming logs' Actually, isn't the fire consuming the logs? Doesn't make sense to me as an image. Violent light also isn't all that inspired- maybe even a simple wording change... something like 'violence as light' could make it less mundane and keep the idea you wanted? 'shedding form, carbon to billow in wild black freedom.' I like the idea of fire as causing form to shed... the presentation isn't as important as the emotion, the power behind it. Not sure how I feel about wild black freedom- if you're using it in a racial context, I think it would work, but judging by the context here I don't think that's the case- if it is, it hasn't been built up to at all. Black, as a color, usually seems more oppressive than free to me... the image just jars a little bit. 'I have been too still. Now I'd let the hot red swallow me, but I am petrified. This fire is not enough and no memory of dead blazes can serve me.' I like the first two lines, except I think 'hot red' is pretty weak. Interesting that you chose a more pessimistic ending to this... at least, that's how I interpret it. The moment for action presented itself, passed unused, and now the woman is resigned... to what? Very interesting poem I like it a lot. Hope I've helped. |
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nobody Junior Member
since 2003-05-19
Posts 43 |
i agree with what you just said hush....as a poem this doesnt really grab me,i look forward to seeing it re-written |
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hush Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653Ohio, USA |
Never said this doesn't grab me... I don't bother replying to poems that don't at least pique my attention, and I don't do line-by-line rundowns unless they really do grab me... unless they really are worth my trouble (by my estimation... not saying that only the poems I reply to are good... I just read what I get to, and reply to the few that I like...) |
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Kamala Member
since 2003-04-17
Posts 59CA, USA |
testing |
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Kamala Member
since 2003-04-17
Posts 59CA, USA |
Okay -- I have NO idea what just happened... but after writing a pretty kick-a__ reply to all of you, the computer bugged out on me and didn't make the post. So, my apologies but this is going to be shorter. Hush: Thank you so much for all of your time and thoughtfulness. I will continue to chew over your comments as I contemplate the poem and its future. But it means a lot to me that it was worth the rich response you gave it. Nobody: I'm sorry that my poem didn't speak to you. What can I say? There's nothing better sometimes than feeling utterly uninteresting  I'm glad you stopped by, though. Maybe I'll do better next time!Yours, Kamala "At times, indeed, almost ridiculous-- |
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Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704 |
whisper...I haven't actually forgotten this..just lots on right now...I will be back, even if it takes a bloody month! K |
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Kamala Member
since 2003-04-17
Posts 59CA, USA |
Severn -- cool. i understand. thanks. jq |
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kaile
since 2000-02-06
Posts 5146singapore |
Hi Kamala, Sorry that this reply isn't too complete...will it help somewhat if i say i am not too much of a critiquer? Watching blue-necked flames in the fireplace ~I think "blue-necked" is cool, neat, etc etc...captured my attention instantly and prepared me somewhat to hold my interest I have been burning inside for years, for years envying the fed fire’s tirelessness: ~interesting the "fed fire"...good use of alliteration here...also makes me wonder about why and how the fire is fed and maintained...why should the author seem detached about the tirelessness when she is the reason why the fire hasn't died down in the first place? This fire is not enough and no memory of dead blazes can serve me. ~makes me ponder about her past--what could have possibly entrapped her and not wish to venture out? hope my reader's reaction was meaningful  [This message has been edited by kaile (05-31-2003 01:25 PM).] |
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Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704 |
Well it did take a month...oh well, better late than never eh? ~grin~ quote: I'm inclined to agree with Hush here. Watching blue-necked flames in the fireplace is quite frankly - blah. Blue-necked is good. In the fire place is not. Watching them is worse. Does it matter if they're in the fireplace? What's the relevance? I ask that because it's a very specific image, in a poem that, doesn't attend to a specific setting. It reads like you have written on automatic pilot...where do we find flames - why, in the fireplace of course! Why not in the bush/woods, why not on your fingers, why not at the beach, why not in a reflection, why anywhere at all? At this point I'm going to list some statistics - brrrrr but here goes. Your poem consists of 11 lines. In those short lines you have managed to insert 5 common colours - blue, white, yellow, red, black. You've used words that directly relate to fire 6 times: flames, pyromania, burning, light, consuming, blazes. You've used the word fire 3 times. Quite an overload there jq...  The point is made - too much I think. Again, I think your failing - if I may be so blunt - is a tendency toward the overt. To push the image. This is a poem called fire so I'm damn well going to write about fire etc! Good things out of those images - 'wild black' freedom. I like that. Black is not, as Hush says, associated with freedom. Good choice then - be subversive. Use something unusual that makes sense in its own way. White heat, yellow tongues? Ah, how often I have heard those phrases as I'm sure you have also. The line 'I understand pyromania' - I'd consider making a short poem even shorter and lose the 'long to make it manifest.' That's self-evident. What's a different way you could say 'I have been burning inside for years'? Something that doesn't rely so heavily on the specific fire imagery? Does the repetition of 'for years' lend emphasis or is it merely bulky? quote: Hm...Kaile says that is a good use of alliteration. Is it? Or is it just clumsy on the tongue. Say that line out loud a few times with the rest of the verse... However, this is a central image I think - almost the core. Here would be the perfect place to use the word fire - once and only once: 'fire's tirelessness' - if you use it here it accentuates the concept and doesn't burden the rest of the poem with repeats of the word 'fire.' How do logs self-consume? Hm...interesting image Though I do like the image of things shedding form - though not necessarily logs. Too fireplace-ish for me lol...quote: Great line. Another key line that could provide a sharp focus for the poem. Though I don't like the repetition in so short a poem of the 'I have' starting off more than one stanza. It's clunky. Liking the image of petrified...and yes I can see how that links to logs and whatnot...however, I don't think your poem necessarily needs logs to build that image. Petrified could stand alone quite well without any image builders... quote: I think that's a fairly strong end line. Again, if you had the word fire once, and then the last line with 'blazes' used in such a way it would serve to tighten the piece up... End result if you cut some of the fire-imagery: a quietly stated piece with a few sharp images at strategic points to get your point across in an unovert way. Sorry it took so long... K[This message has been edited by Severn (06-03-2003 05:19 AM).] |
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sadpoet Junior Member
since 2003-05-29
Posts 10Tx, USA |
I like it, Kamala, it's neat. I got this nice mental image of all-consuming flames as well as the deep desire that the piece conveys. Will have to look at your stuff more often. |
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