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Zaynab
Member
since 2003-05-04
Posts 59
Kuwait

0 posted 2003-05-04 10:48 AM


I Am A Shadow Dancer


I am a shadow dancer
A block of life tossed aside
Forgotten within the collective minds of those whose social boundaries reach invisible peaks

My achievements
My successes
My accomplishments
They know none of these

My failures they mock
My losses are their wins
For every step I fall they climb another

They don't understand my desperation
To be one of them
Of the gang
Not to be pushed aside for my own gifts

To move out of the shadows

Into the light


Kill me tonight and I will love again
Leave me to live and I live in pain
Leave me no love and I live in vain
Kill me tonight and kill the pain

[This message has been edited by Zaynab (05-04-2003 10:56 AM).]

© Copyright 2003 Zaynab Al Nasser - All Rights Reserved
Local Rebel
Member Ascendant
since 1999-12-21
Posts 5767
Southern Abstentia
1 posted 2003-05-06 12:20 PM


Well this certainly addresses a universal human experience -- feeling one is on the outside looking in -- sometimes a bit overdone in poetry but always worthy nevertheless -- can't have too much love or angst in poetry

The metaphors seem to get a little bit cloudy though -- from dancing to mountain climbing -- shadows and light -- it's a tad bit like it was put into a blender -- I don't mind words being blended -- that works for me -- but there is a significant lack of focus here -- these ideas could all work if they were tied together -- but I'm afraid I don't have a good suggestion for that.


Zaynab
Member
since 2003-05-04
Posts 59
Kuwait
2 posted 2003-05-06 08:12 AM


Thanks for the pointers, I'll definitely look into that when I come to revising it.

Thanks for taking the time to read and respond.

Zaynab
xxxxxxxx

Kill me tonight and I will love again
Leave me to live and I live in pain
Leave me no love and I live in vain
Kill me tonight and kill the pain

Kamala
Member
since 2003-04-17
Posts 59
CA, USA
3 posted 2003-05-06 04:37 PM


Stravinsky once said that the only response to a piece of music is *another* piece of music.  I think the same holds true for all of the arts to a certain extent.  Your poem made me think of the following, which I guess is my response to yours.


I am lost to the world
with which I used to waste so much time,
It has heard nothing from me for so long
that it may very well believe that I am dead!

It is of no consequence to me
Whether it thinks me dead;
I cannot deny it,
for I really am dead to the world.

I am dead to the world's tumult,
And I rest in a quiet realm!
I live alone in my heaven,
In my love and in my song!

By Friedrich Ruckert


This is a translation from the German, and it was set to music by Mahler.  You should check it out.  The Four Last Songs.  Gorgeous.  Anyway -- I thought of it because it's a similar sentiment but a different conclusion.  I hope you likes.

Kamala

Zaynab
Member
since 2003-05-04
Posts 59
Kuwait
4 posted 2003-05-08 11:06 AM


Loverlyduverly!

That's a really beautiful poem, I'll have to check it out with the music.

Thanks for taking the time to read and respond.

Zaynab
xxxxxxxx

Kill me tonight and I will love again
Leave me to live and I live in pain
Leave me no love and I live in vain
Kill me tonight and kill the pain

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