»
Archives
»
Critical Analysis #2
»
cliche battle against self...
| Critical Analysis #2 |
|
cliche battle against self... |
|
|
wings of the moon Member
since 2003-03-27
Posts 323Pink bubblegum land 
|
self-home made prison staring at the wall, the guardian turns around, I see my own reflection. I wish that I could fly till earth begged my return, I wish the moon would nap, I wish that I could care. To escape your filthy claws, still sharp from my blood you drew, drying on your ivory nails hoping to start aknew? Let me name you! Boredom and Unsatisfaction don't propose me Depression ot Illness, Jealousy or Sadness so many unpleasant sounds, you'll see! I'll win this round... "more than yesterday, less than tomorrow, i love you" |
||
| © Copyright 2003 Claire Lucille - All Rights Reserved | |||
|
Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704 |
Claire. I'll be tactful: I think this is somewhat belaboured. This doesn't ring true for me - I feel as if you have sat down and said to yourself: I'm going to be poetical, and somehow shoved all of your notions of poeticism into this one piece of work. I don't feel any heart in this. And honestly - your metaphor is cliched, which, to me at least, aids it's inability to convince. I note you've titled your poem as a cliche - but that fails to make this anymore appealing, or justified. There are some poetical ideas like - falling in love, breaking apart, battling the self - that need to be treated with care given that they are so overdone. They are things near to our heart, our life, our fabric and so we write them. My advice? Rethink the extended metaphor (and I'm saying that not only due to my dislike of extended metaphor), ditch the drama of Initial Capitalised words at the end, and revise this.  K[This message has been edited by Severn (05-03-2003 07:06 AM).] |
||
|
wings of the moon Member
since 2003-03-27
Posts 323Pink bubblegum land |
dear Severn thank you for your honesty, there is a lot of truth in what you said but my main defense for it was that no, there wasn't any heart in it. There was no heart in nothing thats why i wrote it. I hate that poem with all my heart though but it is the only thing that managed to express my mind at that particular point. No, saying that it is cliché does not justify it or make it any better it just shows that that at least is conscious and that I hate it. I'm no fan of cliche myself and this was, believe it or not an impulsive write. I did notice at the end however that it was loaded with them at every corner. I don't actually know why i posted it here...its pretty hateful to me... again, thanks for your comments...  love, claire "more than yesterday, less than tomorrow, i love you" |
||
|
Zaynab Member
since 2003-05-04
Posts 59Kuwait |
Well if it isn't my run-away twin! lol I wouldn't have recognized you had it not been for the title of the poem. Glad to see you're still writing. Are you going to be leaving piptalk as well, or are you planning on staying on? As for the poem, I've commented on it before. A quick thing, I like the way you've named the feelings, good use of personification. Zaynab xxxxxxxx Kill me tonight and I will love again |
||
|
wings of the moon Member
since 2003-03-27
Posts 323Pink bubblegum land |
hey!  bless you zaynab! I'm glad you're on this site too...! no, i plan on coming on this site still from time to time...(I mean it HAS smileys  )thanks for your comments! love, claire xxxxx "more than yesterday, less than tomorrow, i love you" |
||
|
|
⇧ top of page ⇧ |
|
| All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format. | ||
