»
Archives
»
Critical Analysis #2
»
Burn
| Critical Analysis #2 |
|
Burn |
|
|
Exodus New Member
since 2003-04-14
Posts 5Winnipeg, Manitoba, Canada |
And I have been changed by this night's rain... grown so estranged I drag weary down the haunted sands of time; for this is my life's end When the synchronistic cliches seem too surreal to see clearly I have tried christianity, bhuddism, even Islam... But when finding all my necromantic sacrifices -- their blood has been diluted Such milky veins wash, a rushing run -- i cry as they seep insanely draining throughout my mind. Riverrapids of bright bluewhite in my pitchblack thoughts flood my brain; the ink of my thoughts Yet even this chaotic delirium which I live seems somewhat estranged Yes... I seek a heart's blood -- with a desire pure and undeluded Into which I will etch my legacy, with the scalpel I hold... And slice open this crimson muscle; perform this task of damned fate Now I have seen armageddons rage ablaze, which are grill-barbecues with Black iron ash alters of carcoal briquette gods burning in summer-lawn-chairs... apocalypse Mesquite smoke entrails -- drip and sizzle -- (And what a tasty treat it shall be!) Surburban saturdays fresh-mowed dwellings stare deranged From the glow of television labotomies -- a darkness -- tinpan-brainfried idiots Skip a jumpdance slaghterhouse shuffle, in ever-deepening credit-line masses; trapped in doom. Under confusion's weight, I wander and wander as a drunken court jester... I wonder at wonders in the still crimson stagnate pools of glow and THIS! ...ridiculous! With this god's blind eye I wander astray on a path of anarchy. I live to have read the pages -- and scribed a thousand and one more -- of my morbid brain, And to remember each; for one reason, for all time; and it's deranged. Always weeping, always weeping, I hold my own heart... with distrust in my body. Good lord... open guts spill forth before me, and in each sickly wet fold I read; death. After which pours forth the milksblood of Christ... with a bitter loving smile. I try and shake this shadow you fear, ... Why am I so deranged? And one more modern miracle each day becomes useless But I'm not surprised, nor do i grow weary of every evening's apocalypse I feel the groove of each judgement day in this new heart So I walk on this life, like the spine of a fine occult tome Reflecting my past judgement, and past conciousness Inscribe these secret words I took, and title my satanic book 'Apocalypse' Yet dreaming still of a hope... Smile. Through the minds of many, and the souls of few... arises the entity of Exodus. Arrows of fire, swords of ice... the necromantic power of he shall des |
||
| © Copyright 2003 Jeremy Skibicki - All Rights Reserved | |||
|
Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704 |
Well Exodus - my first suggestion...you might try to cut down your overwhelming, running-together sentencing... as this poem stands - it is one confusing, babbling mess.  K |
||
|
Seth Member
since 2003-04-13
Posts 74Arizona |
I would like to offer my oppinion if I may. This was extremely hard to read. Don't get me wrong, not so much content as delivery. Poe was a master at this very thing, his characters were a tormented, disfunctional, evil, murderous lot. His stories were full of sickening images, but we were all able to stomach his tales of necrophilia, torture, madness and general mayhem, because he deliivered it in such a way that the reader just couldn't stop turning the pages no matter how bad they wanted. To be honest, I got down to about where you mentioned religions...then I got lost...it was difficult to read. In fact, I didn't read the whole thing untill after I read the first reply to your work. You need to work on drawing the reader in, your ideas are not bad, just your delivery needs work, especialy if you want it included in the book! Keep in mind, most of the other submissions are light hearted at best, this work would be a glaring contrast to the rest. So to give it the chance that it deserves...maybe you should work on delivery, and those run on sentences. Seth |
||
|
Kamala Member
since 2003-04-17
Posts 59CA, USA |
Exodus, Seth and Severn have already pointed out the go-on-forever sentence problem, and I agree with them. This poem was, indeed, very hard to get through, but I forced myself to do it. Quite frankly, it sounds like the adolescent rant of someone who's trying really hard to be "evil" and is pissed off at religion. The problem with this is that it's easy for readers to write it off and just dismiss it as not worth the time. I don't think you want that. So, think about getting rid of some of the archaic WB Angel-speak... things like "milksblood of Christ" and "occult tome." Because it has the tendency to also sound like some hocus-pocus cauldron thing you're stirring up. Also, think about what it is you really *want* to be saying. I mean, I don't think the point of the poem is as Self-Centered Satan as it seems to be. You're trying to say something about religion, about "the masses," about society... but those points (which are very powerful and worthy) are getting lost in the "confusing, babbling mess" as it were. In other words, I think your imagery blurs the poem into a state of ineffectiveness. One minute, it's very apocalyptic and ragey -- hellfire, blood, etc. Then the next minute we're dealing with Televisions, credit lines, suburban saturdays, etc. And as it stands, the leap doesn't quite work. I think it *could* but you need to refine and sharpen the way your images work for you. Lastly, I agree with Seth that you might want to do your research into the way evil has been portrayed in the canon. Take a read at Dr. Faustus, study up on Mephistophilis, and definitely look into Milton's Satan from Paradise Lost. Of course, as Seth pointed out, Poe is also a good resource. But take a look at what it is that makes them compelling. |
||
|
Exodus New Member
since 2003-04-14
Posts 5Winnipeg, Manitoba, Canada |
I thank you all  ! Honestly, I am sick of hearing useless "oh, thats great!" comments and such, from peers and teachers. As being 16, I have much to develop in terms of writing. As well, this was the first attempt of mine in this writing style. As I have been planning, I shall rewrite it.(But considering I wrote this at 3 A.M, and utterly intoxicated, I am pretty proud )Exodus Skip a jumpdance slaughterhouse shuffle. |
||
|
babygurl * Junior Member
since 2001-12-07
Posts 30 |
hello there fellow winnipegger! it was a good poem, the run ons have to stop tho. i basicly agree with everything everyone else said. keep on writin! |
||
|
|
⇧ top of page ⇧ |
|
| All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format. | ||
