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Critical Analysis #2
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Dawn
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Dawn |
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Seth Member
since 2003-04-13
Posts 74Arizona 
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dawn Oh curious and rapturous light That purges the wounds and the scars That stay the night Even though the darkness weighs in Down on me I can sense your likeness beginning, Surrounding Not by chance to see, to comprehend the obscure And by it, Evolve. [This message has been edited by Seth (04-13-2003 03:37 AM).] |
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| © Copyright 2003 Joshua Douglas Hurst - All Rights Reserved | |||
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LUV_R_GIRL2379 Junior Member
since 2003-04-09
Posts 42 |
excellent write! i could just see that sun coming up when i read your poem..dawn means a fresh new beginning..keep up the good work! |
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Seth Member
since 2003-04-13
Posts 74Arizona |
Thanks for your thoughts. I am pretty new here and I hope to get even more constructive critisism on my poetry. Seth |
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littlewing Member Rara Avis
since 2003-03-02
Posts 9655New York |
Seth: hope you dont mind - need much work myself but many friends here taught me a few ways to put a punch to your poetry - so this really belongs to them: Oh curious and rapturous light That purges the wounds and the scars That stay the night Even though the darkness weighs in Down on me I can sense your likeness beginning, Surrounding Not by chance to see, to comprehend the obscure And by it, Evolve. Sometimes we can get a lot out of our writing by omitting words or using one word for several - the placement is essential and also the flow - I need much work myself so I am just replying - see a lot of feeling in your words here: Oh, enraptured light purge these wounds which haunt my nights Darkness weighs inside of me Comprehend the obscure Perchance, to see I languish comfort Surround me please I open my eyes in resolve To evolve This is just my opinion and my style - by no means am I a critique expert - but have found that by seperating the stanzas and putting lines in italics/bold etc. brings more feeling to your writing. Also, try to feel the sun - feel the dark describe them instead of stating: "I can sense your likeness beginning" Describe what this looks like, how it feels One essential tool: http://dictionary.reference.com/tools/toolbar/ Hope this helped a bit - just my interpretation - and by no means do I claim to follow any poetic rules or form - so this is free verse at its best -probably grammatically incorrect but I write what I feel and for the flow - unless it calls for preciseness. I felt your message truly - is a nice write. Sue xxoo [This message has been edited by littlewing (04-13-2003 03:53 PM).] |
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Seth Member
since 2003-04-13
Posts 74Arizona |
Wow, someone just took one of MY poems and kicked the sense out of me with it! I never thought I would actually have this kind of reaction but, you may have just made the poem much much better. I knew I wouldnt regret joining a poetry forum. All of my work is made for stage. Meaning that I perform my work at poetry jams and open mic nights. Voice and inflection and even acting "become" the poem, not just print so I'll have to see how this version or a "tweeked" version translates. Thank you very much for this critique, I appreciate it greatly. ~Seth |
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littlewing Member Rara Avis
since 2003-03-02
Posts 9655New York |
Seth - you are so welcome - I have been and stil am being helped by many here - is a very nice place to learn and grow and just try to give back what has been given to me Good Luck! Glad you liked Sue xxoo |
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