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Critical Analysis #2
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clouds in coffee
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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clouds in coffee |
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wings of the moon Member
since 2003-03-27
Posts 323Pink bubblegum land 
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Keep thinkin' of clouds in my coffee; soft words on the rim, the harsh ones seem to fade far melted butter on the ring. Too much calmness is enough I want to shake that world smash the upturned flaky picture turn my postcards into words "more than yesterday, less than tomorrow, i love you" |
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| © Copyright 2003 Claire Lucille - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Galena Junior Member
since 2003-03-27
Posts 10 |
how do you know if your critique will be helpful???? well, here goes: Keep thinkin' of clouds in my coffee; (love it!) soft words on the rim, (ok) the harsh ones seem to fade far (this is where you start losing me) melted butter on the ring. (butter in coffee?) Too much calmness is enough I want to shake that world (good) smash the upturned flaky picture (this makes me think of instant mashed potatoes..not sure if it was intended) turn my postcards into words (end is not as reaching as some other parts, and I'm not quite sure exactly what it means...if you wanted ambiguity, that is what ya got!) cheers, Galena |
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Mistletoe Angel 
since 2000-12-17
Posts 32816Portland, Oregon |
 (sigh) Let me be frank, I am not the critiquing type, for my philosophy is the best poetry is that which is organic, the sincere words make great poetry and the lies make the worst type! I love this poem, and hope you are proud with it too, that is all that matters most, love the postcard images here, we all love you so much! You have such a beautiful heart, sweet friend, thank you for sharing!  May love and light always shine upon you! Love, Noah Eaton "Underneath your clothes there's an endless story..." |
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wings of the moon Member
since 2003-03-27
Posts 323Pink bubblegum land |
Thank you for your replies! Galena, I drink coffee the french way, with bread and butter dipped in so it is quite frequent to have butter on the rim  mistletoe angel, thank you so much for your sweet words...  |
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Galena Junior Member
since 2003-03-27
Posts 10 |
Ohhhh, wow, I never heard of that. Je ne sais pas pourquoi Well anways, good job with the poem. I guess my comments don't make sense then! |
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wings of the moon Member
since 2003-03-27
Posts 323Pink bubblegum land |
Galena, they were much appreciated anyway  Thank you again...  |
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majnu
since 2002-10-13
Posts 1088SF Bay Area |
you really should put this in reflections or something for more exposure so that it can get in the book. Keep thinkin' of clouds in my coffee; - love this, mixing cream, a reflection or just a morning day dream! brilliant! soft words on the rim, the harsh ones seem to fade far - seems like filler to me. perhaps move what happens to the harsh ones to a longer previous line. melted butter on the ring. Too much calmness is enough - nice. I want to shake that world smash the upturned flaky picture turn my postcards into words - postcards into words does not make sense to me. perhaps postcards into reality, like in amelie, or postcards into action. -majnu |
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SimplyGold Senior Member
since 2002-07-10
Posts 1453 |
Hi, interesting critiques. Just thought I'd let you know that Clouds in my coffee has been used before. Carly Simon I believe. It is a nice image. SG |
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SilentFreija Junior Member
since 2003-03-30
Posts 37 |
That was the coolest poem about coffe I've ever read! [probably one of the only ones] I like coffe! hmm...People need to write more bout coffe. Where you look for broken hearts...you'll find me... |
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bsquirrel
since 2000-01-03
Posts 7855 |
Ooo. I love how it goes from gentle and sweet to rageful and ready.  |
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wings of the moon Member
since 2003-03-27
Posts 323Pink bubblegum land |
Majnu, thank you for your comments, glad to see a familiar face on this site :-) Dear all, I have to thank you for your comments, i wasn't expecting quite as much! I have to disappear for two weeks but then i shall come back and read in turn some of your poetry, which i'm sure is as delicious as your comments ;-) "more than yesterday, less than tomorrow, i love you" |
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carol Senior Member
since 2003-01-25
Posts 624Florida USA |
I loved this Real friends celebrate in who we are and have faith in all that we can become |
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wings of the moon Member
since 2003-03-27
Posts 323Pink bubblegum land |
Thank you Carol :-) "more than yesterday, less than tomorrow, i love you" |
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hush Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653Ohio, USA |
I quite like the last line. 'turn my postcards into words' In fact, I think it's the strongest line of the whole poem... I also think it's in the wrong poem. Coffee does not make me think of postcards. If you specified that you were having coffee in a hotel room, a different city, a new location... it would make sense. But I had this image of a quiet dining room... the postcard bit came way out of the blue, and I don't think it's effective in this poem for that reason. Hope I've helped. |
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wings of the moon Member
since 2003-03-27
Posts 323Pink bubblegum land |
thank you Hush for your thoughts, its interesting to see what different images people receive from the same poem I would link myself postcards with coffee more easily than connect it with a quiet dining room but maybe I'm strange... All the same, thank you for the feedback and the comments "more than yesterday, less than tomorrow, i love you" |
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wings of the moon Member
since 2003-03-27
Posts 323Pink bubblegum land |
again, thank you all for replying, your comments have meant a lot... "more than yesterday, less than tomorrow, i love you" |
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passing shadows Member Empyrean
since 1999-08-26
Posts 45577displaced |
nice |
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wings of the moon Member
since 2003-03-27
Posts 323Pink bubblegum land |
again, thank you passing shadows for your comments, love, claire |
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