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| Critical Analysis #2 |
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sleep |
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thelovelybat New Member
since 2003-03-10
Posts 2 |
let me sleep in dark shades of moonless nights and raise me from the dead i felt an angels breath soft against my neck i saw the earth move away from the sun again and in the tides of human strives i leaned down to hide i sat still by cold will carved away by pride and if in mornings you see me not smiling at the dawn you will find me in summer nights lying against the lawn |
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Rapscallion New Member
since 2003-03-24
Posts 7 |
The product of sleep deprivation? I kid. I like the images your words conjure in my mind. I am not familiar enough with the various forms of verse to give an in-depth analysis of your work. The extent of my understand will only allow, “Hay, nice poem. Is that what they call free verse?” |
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Hevnlyfoxy Junior Member
since 2003-03-16
Posts 10NYC, NY |
well written!!!! |
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Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704 |
First thing: You need line breaks. There is a dread tone of monotony here. Break it up.. As for the poem: 'let me sleep in dark shades of moonless nights and raise me from the dead i felt an angels breath soft against my neck i saw the earth move away from the sun again and in the tides of human strives i leaned down to hide i sat still by cold will carved away by pride and if in mornings you see me not smiling at the dawn you will find me in summer nights lying against the lawn' Well. What are you saying exactly? Is there a point? A story? A connected image here or there? Dark shades of moonless nights? Tautological. You are saying nothing. So, the subject is sleeping in moonless nights yet there is a request to some unnamed/unexplained/unimaged entity to raise the subject from the dead. I'm assuming that's a metaphoric death. That doesn't work very well when you have sleep three lines up, unless you are saying that the sleep is actually death? Or is the reader just supposed to 'assume' that? Now, I have to say that this part: 'i felt an angels breath soft against my neck i saw the earth move away from the sun again and in the tides of human strives' is particularly pretentious. What are you saying here? This doesn't actually mean much does it. Can you see what I mean by pretention here? You may think I'm just being nasty...if you need more explanation - yell. Ah, and there is the place where the erratic rhyming begins: strives/tides, hide/pride, still/will, dawn/lawn. Were you aware of your rhyming? Did you put any thought into it? At the moment this poem can't decide whether it wants to be freeverse, or a rhyme. You need to work that out. Now...the poem continued. 'i leaned down to hide' From what? 'i sat still by cold will carved away by pride' More pretention - what pride? From what? Why? What are you trying to say? 'and if in mornings you see me not' Who? 'smiling at the dawn you will find me in summer nights lying against the lawn' Hidden in the moonless nights maybe? I have to say here however that I really like the last line. Not lying on the lawn, but against it - that's a great shift from a typical image. Good line, very good. But I have to say also, to sum up really, that this poem has told me absolutely nothing about anything. Only that there is some unexplained turmoil going on, or reflection, or great philosophical moment. I need to know more, as a reader, about that reflection, or moment, or turmoil, or whatever it is your subject is involved in. You need to find consistency through your images - asleep, hiding, dead...what? If all three - make sure the poem can cater for that, rather than just dropping those three separate states into a poem like disconnected pebbles dropped into a pond.  K |
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Galena Junior Member
since 2003-03-27
Posts 10 |
I guess I lie inbetween these two extremes of criticism let me sleep in dark shades of moonless nights and raise me from the dead (great opening...now, why do you want to be raised? Maybe you feel you life is montonus and you want to escape into a fantasy dream world? develop this a little more and make it flow into the next part) i felt an angels breath soft against my neck i saw the earth move away from the sun again (this is good - set it up more clearly as what you are experiencing in a dream world or alternate universe) and in the tides of human strives i leaned down to hide (not sure I like this..is it just there for sound quality? You could come up with a better phrase and still make it rhyme I trust) i sat still by cold will carved away by pride (again, why/how is this happenning?) and if in mornings you see me not smiling at the dawn (morning is good here becuase it could follow waking from the dream...how would you feel aftre waking? try to add these things and you will make an interesting poem into a good one. cheers, Galena you will find me in summer nights lying against the lawn |
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