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Brat prince
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Brat prince |
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Jason Lyle Senior Member
since 2003-02-07
Posts 1438With my darkling |
And so came the morn, as the fires died out The camp stirred to life and prayed to their gods Alone sat a warrior , scars on his face Donning his armour, ignoring the odds A calm was about him, movements routine Nerves as controlled as his fear seemed to be Joining his comrades, accepting his fate Trust in his God and his sword made him free "And so comes the day!", Cries the brat to his men "Show them no quarter!", today we shall win! He looks to the field, his enemy strong And then forgives his brat prince for his sin Behind archers he marched, sword in his hand Preparing for dying, not fearing death A roar like no other, battle begins Rage takes control in the space of a breath A cold tempest fury, one with his sword They fall like leaves, in the wake of his storm The screams of his brethren harden his steel Thier blood in his eyes is salty and warm The brat prince, a coward, screams"all retreat!" The warrior in anger, picks up a bow "I'll not let my brothers die for this fool" Treason the the last thing the brat prince would know "To me" cried the warrior, unwanted king Retreat on my sword, or victory bring His sword swept paths through the line of his foes And his soldiers rallied, To thier new king Blood ran like rivers, and few would survive But the warrior king victor was still free A grass crown was he given upon the field No roman, romans could kings never be And though he has power only romans are free . . . This is my first attempt at telling a story, and I can see myself a few needed changes.Thought I'd toss it in here for a hard honest review. Jason [This message has been edited by Jason Lyle (03-07-2003 09:11 PM).] |
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| © Copyright 2003 Jason Lyle - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Jason, I'm not much of a story teller but it seems to me that you have a pretty good start here. I would prefer for you to think about it a little more and clean it up a bit before asking for help but not too bad, really. You misspell their consistently and you have a couple other typos to correct. As for the story telling, I can follow it fine and it is interesting. I'm not sure I can explain my main complaint but I'll try. Due to your wording (I think) it reads to me like you are still trying to set up the scene until the last stanza or two. As I analyze the content, I don't think that was your intent. It seems to me that it would be more enjoyable if you began stressing the action more instead of still painting the background picture by about the 4th or 5th stanza. Finally, I'm not sure brat is the right word for the prince. It seems a somewhat trivial description when placed against the rest of the poem. I hope this helps. I do think you have a very good start here. Pete |
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