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Critical Analysis #2
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Living in Los Angeles
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Living in Los Angeles |
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sweetwater Member
since 2002-12-16
Posts 178Perth |
my poems seem to be out of left field compared to others, but today I received two very sound bits of advice - 1. compare yourself to yourself and not to others 2. just post! so here I go.. dive in the deep end! Living In Los Angeles I’m up to drinking more than I normally would I can’t go outside walking through the neighborhood My morning coffee sitting on a wooden stool Cup of iced water sat beside the heated swimming pool Speakers in my ears as the beach goes rolling by. Shooting hoops in groups, perfect bodies meet my eye The stars move under the soles of the tourist feet Red carpet runways show us where the rich and famous meet There’s nothing like working the bar One dollar bills in my tip jar Playing blackjack upon my bed Burning incense and underfed Too little sleep and too much wine I’m finding all of the lost time Place bets on who can stay awake sat on the roof until daybreak Listen to sirens and the paramedic’s horn. It’s all good in the ‘Wood’, just keep your weapons drawn, Walk Cent’ry, two blocks East, for dollar Chinese food, Look at the pavement so my presence isn’t misconstrued. There’s nothing like working the bar One dollar bills in my tip jar Playing blackjack upon my bed Burning incense and underfed While shooting pool we drink some beer, Sublime is on for all to hear. The Angel’s touched me I believe, I might depart, I’ll never leave. |
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Cpat Hair
since 2001-06-05
Posts 11793 |
like this...like this a great deal.. insightful and a bit raw.... Now.. technical I am not when it comes to writing and certainly not worth a dime on rhyme... but this is well worth the read...and I am sure will garnish more qualified responses than mine with help on the technical side.. one thing to note... this forum doen't get as much traffic..and does get some pretty in depth scrutiny of the poem...so if feelings are sensitive..this might not be the place to begin... you will however..get some good advice in here..if you want to hone a particular poem or piece... it can just be a painful process for ego if you aren't prepared... try this in open... and see if indeed you don't find people enoying it. OF course... If I was to edit this.. (laughing) it would end up free verse... LMAO |
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sweetwater Member
since 2002-12-16
Posts 178Perth |
Cpat. Am I allowed to repost? I thought there were rules against that? [This message has been edited by sweetwater (03-07-2003 12:23 PM).] |
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Cpat Hair
since 2001-06-05
Posts 11793 |
Sweetwater... I got no right to tell you to...but once in while..to heck with the rules...and I don't think anyone is going to care too much..do it..and tell them the Devil ( Cpat) made you do it.. LOL It's happened before.. and this will get a bit more attention in open than here... [This message has been edited by Cpat Hair (03-07-2003 05:26 PM).] |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Well, the Devil is right, or mostly so. This is, by its nature, a slow moving forum and Open is very fast. The purpose of CA is, just as its name implies, a place to post in order to receive critical analysis. You really don't have to worry all that much about being attacked though. First, it isn't allowed by the rules and second, we are all too nice a bunch for that sort of stuff anyway. As for double posting, you're correct in that it is not allowed in most cases. Critical Analysis and the Workshop, however, are special cases. Since these two forums are for learning and perfecting one's work, it is allowed to repost a poem from either of them into Open or anywhere else you might want. Dinner is ready now so I have to leave but I'll try to come back and discuss your poem later. I do think it will yield some interesting discussion. Pete |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Ok, I finally made it back although it did take longer than I intended. I admit to being a rhymaholic but Cpat does jokingly make an interesting point. The main problem IMHO with this poem is the rhyme. First, much of it seems rather forced. Second, rhyming poetry usually works better with a fairly consistent meter. Of course this is not always the case. T.S Eliot is a good source of rhyme without regular meter. Usually though, the rhyme is inconsistent also and the flow still remains very smooth, almost leaving the reader with the feeling of a consistent meter. Check "Prufrock" to understand what I mean. So now back to Cpat's comment. Maybe you should try writing this without rhyme or only occasional rhyme. Also, you could make good use of some internal rhyme. You might give that a try, even if just as an exercise. You can always go back later. But, if you do, try to avoid having the rhyme control the poem as much as it does here. Now don't get the idea that I don't like this. I truly do but would just like to see it less driven by the rhyme. JMHO, Pete |
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Midnitesun
since 2001-05-18
Posts 28647Gaia |
Sweetwater, I can relate really to this poem! I grew up in SO California, LA was my giant polluted backyard. And I tended bar for a year, to pay my way through first year of graduate school in the mid 70's. I also lived in Hollywood for a few years, Santa Monica and Malibu beaches my summer sunburn spots. As per the Cpt's suggestion, I think if you make some minor changes to it the post can be re-submitted just about anywhere. But I'm not a moderator, so maybe just ask one? I really enjoyed this read! so many good lines and imagery. PS, I love playing left field!! [This message has been edited by Midnitesun (03-09-2003 09:35 AM).] |
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sweetwater Member
since 2002-12-16
Posts 178Perth |
Pete - I thankyou immensely for taking the time to read and consider my poem, and even more for your honesty.. for only honesty will help me improve my writing. Now you have to excuse me, as I can be quite dim... I re-read the poem with the rhyme in mind, and I feel it forced in the last stanza only.. "While shooting pool we drink some beer, Sublime is on for all to hear. The Angel’s touched me I believe, I might depart, I’ll never leave" Ok I admit that's pretty bad.. can you help me out and show me where else you feel there is forced rhyme? not that I'm saying there is not.. just I can't see it (read it too many times probably) I find it very hard not to rhyme.. in fact I don't think I have any poetry that does not! I'm not sure I can meet the 'dropping some rhyme suggestions'... I'll give it a go - but the results may never be seen With the whole meter thing.. this was originally a song, so I used the notes to fill the 'empty' spaces.. should I rewrite the smaller stanzas to fit the meter of the larger ones? This is easy enough to do.. or do you see a larger problem lurking in there? Again thankyou so much for the time you took on my poetry  Midnitesun - thankyou for you kind words.. I'm glad that people can relate to this.. I loved my time in LA and intend to return to live there again... soon as possible.  |
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