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Critical Analysis #2

Unconsciously Planned

morcor0120ch
New Member

since 2003-02-25

Posts 7

0 posted 2003-02-25 11:01 PM

Unconsciously Planned

Snow flakes fall and so do spirits,
as we wait during this time of discomfort and confusion.
Hastily planned reality sets in,
unseemly leaving little doubt of future warmth.

Just follow the yellow lines into the tampered sunset,
its rays blocked by a giant cloud representing imminent sorrow.
Leave without a trace and leave without a clue,
a life lesson soon to be portrayed in the cold, hard gravel.

Pound your feet on the muddied ground,
and listen to the sound,
of a million young hearts breaking into pieces,
over a few simple words, relentlessly said over and over.

Redundancy pushes us back,
at the same time advancing us further,
down this boring, well-traveled road,
yellow lines and all,
leading us to nothing.

[This message has been edited by Ron (03-03-2003 11:45 PM).]

Mysteria

Member Laureate

since 2001-03-07

Posts 18328
British Columbia, Canada

1 posted 2003-02-26 12:20 PM

I am afraid I don't have the expertise to give you a critique, but I can tell you this - I really enjoyed your poetry, and the imagery was fantastic. I especially liked these lines...

"of a million young hearts breaking into pieces,
over a few simple words, relentlessly said over and over."

You nailed this poem with these few lines in my opinion.

I know you will love this forum and I can certainly see by your poetry you are a wonderful addition to this poetic family.

Please check your email for a welcome note from all of us.

~* Carpe' Diem *~

[This message has been edited by Mysteria (02-26-2003 12:24 AM).]

aries_luv_ppl
Senior Member

since 2001-09-20

Posts 1448
Universal Mind

2 posted 2003-02-26 03:46 PM

love your msg and imagery. And

Welcome

~Every girl has a dream within.

Midnitesun

Member Empyrean

since 2001-05-18

Posts 28647
Gaia

3 posted 2003-02-26 09:04 PM

WOW! I have nothing but praise for this. I will come back to it again later, but the first read leaves me with only one option...to vote for this. It's an outstanding first post for Passions.
You are obviously not a beginning writer.

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