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word smith
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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word smith |
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brian madden Member Elite
since 2000-05-06
Posts 4374ireland 
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Between the anvil and welding hammer, stirs a spark to flight, as an ember of raven’s quill, failing to ignite the white wires of your spine And hardback pressed to mine. Between its rhythmic arch and blank sheets below, We will strike to spark fail and fall to snow Upon an endless row Of columns word-ridden imprint leaves, your limbs will bind with us in tandem, to an anchor of solemn hymns. 11-02-03 ------------------------------- Work in progress When I am on a pedestal, you did not raise me there Your laws do not compel me to kneel grotesque and bare. Leonard Cohen [This message has been edited by brian madden (02-12-2003 06:22 PM).] |
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Janet Marie Member Laureate
since 2000-01-22
Posts 18554 |
this is a heady poetic mix of concrete and surreal images, the rhyme scheme is more on the subtle side which made it read smooth with out being forced... you've used some very interesting and original metaphors, analogies and personification with in your theme of "wordsmith" "stirs a spark to flight, as an ember of raven’s quill, failing to ignite the white wires of your spine And hardback pressed to mine. Between its rhythmic arch and blank sheets below, We will strike to spark fail and fall to snow" I was particularly drawn to those verses... not sure about the "welding" it seemed out of place ...thinking just anvil and hammer was enough. I'll leave the hard critique to those that know ..... Good to read you Bri...have missed the way your poetic mind works...would enjoy seeing where you take this "work in progress"  |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Brian: I think the idea is a good one and this "work in progress" is already shaping up well, in my opinion. I think the loose, (mostly) iambic rhythm suits the subject matter well. This metaphor offers several interesting possibilities and I look forward to seeing the finished product. A few thoughts. Was the irregularity in the first stanza's rhyme scheme intentional? The staggered scheme seemed a little jarring to my ear. The meter is not nearly as regular as the following stanzas either. In a longer poem, I think this may have been more effective (assuming your meter and rhyme irregularities were calculated). If the poem is missing something, I would say it is a building of tension from S2 to S3. I think this could be done by exploring the options the metaphor offers. The working of iron suggests persistance and hours of labor. By building on what you've started, I think you will give your resolution more effect. I enjoyed the read, Brian. Thanks. Jim |
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hush Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653Ohio, USA |
Okay, I have to admit this right off- I initially didn't read this poem because the title really put me off. I generally just don't go for that kind of thing- and the term seems a wee bit pretentious to me- I don't have a problem at all with the concept- the idea of a person molding words like a smith molds metal into a specific shape and for a specific purpose is really cool... but I personally would can the title. 'Between the anvil and welding hammer, stirs a spark to flight, as an ember of ravenÂ’s quill,' Um, is it just me, or is there a subject missing here? Intentional? It really jars me. Also, is raven's quill the name for something specific, or are you just using a raven's quill as an image? 'failing to ignite the white wires of your spine And hardback pressed to mine.' I really like the flow and imagery in these lines... 'Between its rhythmic arch and blank sheets below, We will strike to spark fail and fall to snow' To me, in the poem, its not clear what 'its' is referring to here. Logically, I reason that it must be the hammer, but I think a stronger connect would help. Other than that, phenomenal lines. 'Upon an endless row Of columns word-ridden imprint leaves, your limbs will bind with us in tandem, to an anchor of solemn hymns.' I really feel like a restructuring of line breaks would help here. I know you have a rhyme scheme, but the rhyme would still be there- just placed differently. To me, breaks sound natural like this: 'Upon an endless row of columns word-ridden imprint leaves, your limbs will bind with us in tandem, to an anchor of solemn hymns.' Now, as far as the whole poem goes, here's what I'm getting: You're really sick of winter? Lol... The white wires are snow in the cracks of tree back, the hardback is obviously the tree trunk. The rest of this, I feel is just at my peripheral vision- and I'm not sure if that's because I'm failing as a reader to see something, or your poem fails to make something clear to me. It's almost like a paper without a thesis- it's all there in imagery, but I'm having trouble pulling it all otgether. Like, did you have in mind the hammer and anvil to represent something specific, or just a striking force and that which it is striking? In the second stanza, you say 'we' and then in the last stanza, you say 'your,' which I interpret to be directed at thge trees? In that case, the 'we' in S2 would seem to indicate that you, the writer, and the trees are doing the action: 'We will strike to spark' So, who's who? Is the writer symbolized by the hammer, and the tree by the anvil? Or, actually, doesn't the anvil just comprise a base upon which to hammer a metal material? So, would the trees then be the writer's material? What then would be the anvil? Earth? One other thing- I'm unsure in the last stanza what you mean to convey. You wrote: 'Upon an endless row Of columns word-ridden imprint leaves,' With 'upon' I imagine leaves actually living on the trees (columns)- however: 'your limbs will bind with us in tandem, to an anchor of solemn hymns.' The emphasis of limbs makes me think of more bare limbs, especially since it was previously said that the attempted transformation had failed. Anothe thing that really confused me: 'your limbs will bind with us' Two possibilities here- wither the 'we' in S2 is not the writer and the trees, and I misinterpreted, or there's an inconsistency in pronouns. Who is this other entity? Hopefully you can explain. Really interesting idea and start you have here- what I see you getting at is the idea that a writer can completely alter or even transform reality. Very subtly done, and I really hope to see a rewrite. Hope I've helped. |
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Janet Marie Member Laureate
since 2000-01-22
Posts 18554 |
this is what i love most about poetry...seeing it thru each others eyes and the way each of us can come away with something different.. I didnt take the "white spine" line to be about winter or snow at all... and as for the "hard back" reference ... I took that to be about a book..a poetry book...working off the wordsmith and writing metaphor--IE: the use of "quill, blank pages, columns word-ridden" Hope ya post this when you finish it Bri...youve got some very cool images and metaphors here to clarify and build on. |
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brian madden Member Elite
since 2000-05-06
Posts 4374ireland |
Jan, good to hear from you, been awhile since our paths last crossed. I am going to have to e-mail you soon, its just I am so damn lazy LOL You made me breath a sigh of relief when you said the rhyme reads smooth, I was really hoping it would be natural. Thanks for your comments, going to have to catch up and tell you all my news...not that i have much to tell. Jim, in some sense yes the irregularity in the first stanza's rhyme scheme was intentional, but only as the images made sense in that order. When it comes to rhyme I am still a novice, the images in the first stanza fell together like that as did the lines in the other stanzas except with stanza 2 and 3 I was able to get a tighter rhyming scheme. I know the poem strays “slightly” from initial stanza. My intent was to show a progression, the various stages of the book or poem being put together. Which may I add is one meaning I had intended. Thanks for thoughts and feed back. Hush, the idea behind the title was to show the methodical shaping of a poem or book which in itself is a metaphor for the poets relationship with a muse\lover. Normally I don’t use a image like “word smith” but I thought I would try and write a poem that explored a literally version of the phrase. My intent was not to be pretentious but rather to explore the relationship between the poet and his muse, but not as some grand romantic expression as the title may suggest. I hate to dig too deep into the meanings and intention of my words, its like a magician revealing their secrets. As I said to response to Jim’s comments the poem does sway a little, but the subject for me at least is the poet’s relationship with his muse, from the spark of an idea to the finished poem i.e “ a solemn hymn.” I had this idea of the raven’s quill, which was in an early version. “Black is my blood from the raven’s quill” I really liked the image that the pen is a raven’s quill, it was also a reference to Poe. “'Between its rhythmic arch and blank sheets below” The “it” is the spine mentioned in the first stanza, the word “your” did not work for me, I see now that “hardback” would give the impression of a “hammer.” When I wrote the line I was thinking more of the hardback of a book, or a distant lover in bed. The whole stanza is really about that, the blank sheets could be bed sheets or pages, the line “We will strike to spark” could be a lack passion in poetry or in a relationship. Stanza three I had major trouble with it and I know it shows. I really like your reformatting, though it would break the pattern I set up, the last line of each stanza rhymes with the first of the next. I really liked your reading of the poem, I didn’t see that. It’s funny because the last poem I wrote was called “Leaves” and was about winter and trees. The use of the hammer and anvil was to give the impression that it was a violent action, something that was laboured and manual, and harsh. With the lines “'Upon an endless row Of columns word-ridden imprint leaves,” It is a continuation of the last line of stanza two, so it reads “We will strike to spark fail and fall to snow Upon an endless row” Same with stanza one and two “the white wires of your spine And hardback pressed to mine”. The line “'your limbs will bind with us in tandem,” is the idea of the muse binding the book of poetry but also binding her/himself to poet. “what I see you getting at is the idea that a writer can completely alter or even transform reality. “ yes exactly, I wanted to hint at this in terms of a lover. Thanks for taking the time to go through this and you have been really helpful. By the way I hope I didn’t sound like I was trying to dismiss your interpretation. I hope that what I have said does not take away from your reading of the poem, what I have said about the poem is just was set out to get across with those lines. When I am on a pedestal, you did not raise me there Your laws do not compel me to kneel grotesque and bare. Leonard Cohen |
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Martie
Moderator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-09-21
Posts 28049California |
brian--I'm not good at critique, so let me just say that I admire the way you write, and the passion and thought that you put into your poetry is much admired by me.. I'm so glad you posted this and look forward to reading more from you.  |
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