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jenn21e
Junior Member
since 2003-02-11
Posts 10


0 posted 2003-02-11 11:33 AM



Behind the door awaits a dawning morn
Soft pinks creep out across cool fainting night
And with the dawn’s brisk entry, our love is shorn
Though the night is gone; I glimpse a new star-light

Small feet set out to find the one who waits
Thoughts flow by on flitting wings down a rill
So weary, heavy feet are my dead-weight
I sink down low upon a window sill

The sun’s sharp blades have battered me to pieces
Without night’s caress, the search shrivels, brown-dry
Sharp bitter pain at first, then joyous rapture increases
Knowledge springs forth, and freedom enters with a sigh

Love—he is ambiguous, his desires a mystery
Don’t search for him, he’ll come if meant to be.


© Copyright 2003 jenn21e - All Rights Reserved
*Fairly Odd*
New Member
since 2003-02-12
Posts 2

1 posted 2003-02-12 10:22 AM


I like this poem so much, it is great. I dont think you should change it one bit.
Not A Poet
Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885
Oklahoma, USA
2 posted 2003-02-12 05:32 PM


Hi Jenn21e,

Welcome to Critical Analysis, we call it CA to save typing. As a new member I should remind you to check the forum guidelines. I'm sure you will enjoy it here.

And, you are off to a great start. I love it when someone writes a sonnet. I can't entirely agree with Fairly Odd, however. It is a nice draft for a sonnet but now it could use a little tweaking here and there to make it even better. I won't try to rewrite it for you but will offer a few suggestions from experience.

For starters, the generally acceptable meter for sonnets is iambic pentameter. If you are not familiar, an iambic foot consists of one unstressed syllable followed by a stressed one. Pentameter refers to a line made up of 5 suc feet. Thus each line would go something like, daDUM, daDUM, daDUM, daDUM, daDUM. There are some deviations permissible and there are even those who claim that meter is unimportant. This view is not widely accepted, however. In my own opinion, it is just a lame excuse for wanting to call something a sonnet when it is not. Anyway, off the soapbox and back to your poem.

The first line is perfect. The second, although it does have the right number of syllables and can be read iambic if one stretches a bit, still has a minor difficulty in that soft really wants to be stressed as much as pink. You can probably leave this as is if there are very few other discrepancies. Then line 3 has one too many syllables and it is  in the middle of the line. Entry needs to be changed to a one syllale word, such as rise, to correct this. Line 4 also has one too many syllables. Dropping the near the beginning will fix this without hurting the meaning. In fact, it is even more clear that way. Generally, the fewer of these little words that don't contribute anything but meter, the better your poem will be. Finally, I just cant seem to read star-light as iambic. No matter how hard I try, I need to stress star instead of light. I think some rewording will be necessary there. And the semicolon should be a comma.

In line 5, small wants to be stressed about as much as feet but this seems to me to be an acceptable deviation. Line 6, however, has more serious problems even though it has the right number of syllables. It can't be fixed easily without serious rewording. Just as a suggestion, try something like,
   As thought flow by like flitting down a rill"
Find your own words, of course, but that is metrically correct. Line 7 again has a minor problem in that my must be stressed which just feels wrong in that context. You might try a simile or something else to remove my and substitute something that feels right when stressed there or maybe just change are my to become. This may not be exactly what you want but, again, it makes the meter correct.

Line 9 also has an extra syllable but here it forms a feminine ending. I like to use those occasionally (well some would say more often than occasionally). The difficulty is in coming up with an acceptable rhyme. You have done that very well here. The meter of line 10 is just off. Maybe consider something like,
   Without caress of night the search is dry
Line 11 has way to many syllables. It could be corrected by changing joyous rapture to joy. Line 12 is again way off and really needs a rewrite. Just as an example,
   As knowledge springs and freedom cries a sigh
would be metrically correct. See what you can do with that one.

Line 13 has too many syllables. Another example,
  And love, ambiguous, a mystery
is metrically correct although it does alter the meaning some. Again, see what else you can come up with here. The last line is right on.

I might also add that the closing couplet, with its meter corrected, is really a good one. I like it a lot.

Well, of course, this is all just one opinion and it is your poem so feel free to use or ignore any or all of my suggestions as you see fit.

Thanks for sharing and, again, welcome to the forum.

Pete

jenn21e
Junior Member
since 2003-02-11
Posts 10

3 posted 2003-02-12 07:27 PM


Pete~

Thanks so much for your comments.  This is my first sonnet, and I have been struggling with it greatly.  Your comments will help me take it from a draft to finished craft.  Thanks again! ~Jenn

Not A Poet
Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885
Oklahoma, USA
4 posted 2003-02-16 01:02 AM


Well Jenn, I'm kind of a sonnet junkie so I would like to see your revision, if you make one. You really are off to a good start here. You just need to work on the more or less mechanical aspects. Keep it up.

Pete

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