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Hollow Within
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Hollow Within |
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ZetaCel Junior Member
since 2003-01-30
Posts 18 |
A vast harbor stands empty, No ships set sail to its destination. Flow of air is a non-existent reality, The place stale and rank in its absence. A lone figure paints a space-less void, Limping across the stretch of docks, Brain circulating, not a thought inside. An everlasting blue stretches beyond, Flat planes of sea reaches forever out, Ending in a chasm of infinite depth. Slightest in thought does it plummet, Hurriedly does it flow upon the grass, Quicker is it plucked from above. Gazing into it reflects the surrounding, Mimicking its hollowness throughout. The feather and the harbor and the sea, Sharing a sense of illusionary depth, Succumbing to the impossible deed. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Z- I think the poem could be more concise. The first line, for example, "A vast harbor stands empty" would, I think, be a stronger statement if the reader was left to linger on the thought. Instead, the second line essentially states the obvious ... of course no ships would be seen sailing in an empty harbor. I think you've done a fine job of setting the mood ... your generous use of absolute words like "everlasting", "infinite", "forever" and "impossible" together with the emptiness and void of the harbor certainly communicates a feeling of aloneness. I think it would be more effective, however, if you didn't succumb to the temptation of requiring every line to be a phrase unto itself. Try enjambing your lines ... allow sentences and phrases to spill over onto the next lines. Perhaps something like: "Not even the rank, stale air Stirs in the vast harbor as A lone figure limps the stretch of docks ..." Generally, I would try to avoid phrases that don't evoke thoughts or images like "non-existent reality" or "brain circulating, not a thought inside." I had great difficulty trying to understand how something can be at the same time real and non-existent. I also couldn't understand how the brain could be "circulating" without thought. Perhaps you meant to say that no coherent thoughts were forming ... maybe because of anxiety ... but I am not sure. I think it has some good potential with a few nips and tucks here and there. Thanks for the read. Jim [This message has been edited by jbouder (02-11-2003 12:39 PM).] |
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Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704 |
Apply what I've said in your other post here... I notice you've used a few more images in this one...you have good vocab skills certainly, now you just need to learn how to apply those skills to poetry... 'The feather and the harbor and the sea' - very nice line.. I agree with Jim in regards to avoiding phrases that mean essentially nothing, which is a confirmation of what I've said in Sense of Soul  K |
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