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Critical Analysis #2
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Marshalzu
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since 2001-02-15
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0 posted 2003-02-03 04:30 AM


The Funeral. (a working title)

In mourning sky
   fell cats
        and dogs

freely
     as they came
grey
    above
         beyond
    below

In mourning sky
   fell cats
        and dogs

freely

Originally I had "mourning" as "morning" but I wanted to change it, but now I'm not sure that it was the right choice, does it make the image too easy to visualise? Actually I think i'm too attached to my poetry to see what is and is not working so any comments would be helpful and recieved most gratefully  

Andrew


My Violent Bedtime Stories

[This message has been edited by Marshalzu (02-03-2003 04:19 PM).]

© Copyright 2003 Andrew Sewell - All Rights Reserved
Gamree
Junior Member
since 2003-01-29
Posts 10

1 posted 2003-02-03 01:27 PM


I like the simplicity.  Some would say the "mourning" sky is a bit over the top, but I like it.
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