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Critical Analysis #2
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Day at the Beach
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Day at the Beach |
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Dr Gonzo Junior Member
since 2002-11-21
Posts 26 |
Lying on a towel Sand beneath my toes Sun is shining bright The ocean breeze blows Novel in my hands Poetry is sweet Frisbees flying overhead My heart skips a beat Children running Dogs pacing Leash intact Parents chasing Girls giggling Boys blushing Spring time is here Summer is rushing Love under the sunlight Blooms in the docks Fertilizing the ages Of those with portable clocks Beauty lies everywhere For all those who have sight Just watch the birds Who are artists in flight |
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brian madden Member Elite
since 2000-05-06
Posts 4374ireland |
Dr Gonzo, Your poem is what I would call snap shots, it reminds me of someone describing a scene in a photograph, But just by naming the contents of the photograph, which gives us an overview of the scene but no real emotional insight. Lines such as “Lying on a towel Sand beneath my toes Sun is shining bright The ocean breeze blows” Are starting points, you need to expand on these images, tell us about the scent, the texture, the light the shade the sounds… really bring these images to life instead of just mentioning them. Or alternatively You could write the poem in the style of the last two verses. I really loved the stanza “Love under the sunlight Blooms in the docks Fertilizing the ages Of those with portable clocks” This tells the reader more than a stanza like “Girls giggling Boys blushing Spring time is here Summer is rushing” It also gives the reader room to think and explore the images. One last thing, a suggestion about the lines “Just watch the birds Who are artists in flight” how about “Just watch the birds Who are artisan in flight” Still saying the same thing but a word like “artisan” is a bit more dramatic. I really enjoyed the read and believe that this is the beginning of what could be a great poem. Keep exploring the scene and soon you’ll find many layers and more new textures. got hips like cinderella must be having a good shame talking sweet about nothing |
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Barbara Trautman Member
since 2002-10-23
Posts 90 |
Dr. Gonzo -- I don't know about you but I found the critique to be incredibly informative. "Day at the Beach" was a great poem for critique, not too complicated, fairly easy to follow. I wish you luck in future posts. Seems to me you have a future at Pip. Barb |
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