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A Little Nightmare
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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A Little Nightmare |
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Teen14 Junior Member
since 2003-01-26
Posts 19 |
Darling's in her little cage Gomez run away! Fighting off the dizzy haze Gomez run! Tonight our dreams are dressed in black Gomez run away! Feeding underneath our hat Gomez run! Infecting us like a sore Gomez run away! Diving into all our pores Gomez run! Lightning cracks outside this maze Gomez run away! Sweeping deeper in our daze Gomez run! They chase us all through the night! Gomez run away! As we scatter all in fright Gomez run! Scream we might, fight we try Gomez run away! No matter what we all shall die! Gomez run! Please escape my dear friend Gomez run away! For this nightmare... It shall never end. |
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hush Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653Ohio, USA |
Hi, just thought I'd give you a couple suggestions here. First of all, your repitition eventually gets skipped over. I stopped reading the 'Gomez' lines.... I think you could keep some repetition, but definitely reduce it some, like to punctute each idea rather than to split them all up. Also, I'm not exactly sure what's going on in this poem? Who/what Gomez is running from? WHen I eventually stopped reading the 'Gomez" lines, your rhyme is very apparent, and it seems to impede the actual telling of a story or explanation of a scenario... you would probably be better off deciding exactly what you want to say or explain, and then doing it- if it rhymes it rhymes... if not, you've at least got some clarity. Hope I've helped. There are no Mr. Smiths in Washington. |
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Teen14 Junior Member
since 2003-01-26
Posts 19 |
Ok, here's what my poem is all about. Gomez is not real of course and please don't ask me why I came up with him. Gomez is just the guy having this nightmare. This is a lyrical poem that is just descirbing all the fear within a nightmare. Gomez is basically just trying to escape all the horror and wake up. The poem basically goes from someone falling asleep to being swept into this horrible dream. I wanted to capture all the emotions of a nightmare during a nightmare and how, if it's really bad, it seems as though it won't end or that we're gonna die. Also, the whole repition of "Gomez run away" and "Gomez run" is just a rythmic thing and sort of a chant calling out to this person to just wake up and get out. There is a certain tone and beat, in my opinion, that is lost without those lines. It just doesn't seem right to me. Also, this is sort of a song I wrote to so that is kind of the chorus. Hope this clears everything up! |
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Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704 |
No, it doesn't really.  After reading your explanation I can see what you're trying to do, but it doesn't work. For one thing - a chorus is just that, a chorus. It doesn't punctuate every line of a song - that defeats the whole point of a chorus. quote: To you maybe. To me, there is no tone and beat at all, because everything you are trying to say is completely hidden within a poetically meaningless repetition. Remember - to you, this may be a song. To your reader, it is a poem. Hush stopped reading the Gomez lines. So did I. Now what does that tell you about the success of them? Maybe just that we're two people who don't understand your intent - or maybe that it might be a good idea to take a second look at how you've put this together. A question - have you thought about why you feel something would be lost without the Gomez lines? Let's look at it: Darling's in her little cage Fighting off the dizzy haze Tonight our dreams are dressed in black Feeding underneath our hat Infecting us like a sore Diving into all our pores Lightning cracks outside this maze Sweeping deeper in our daze They chase us all through the night! As we scatter all in fright Scream we might, fight we try No matter what we all shall die! Please escape my dear friend For this nightmare... It shall never end It's quite clear you're talking about a dream here. You mention dreams dressed in black (not a bad image either) and how the nightmare will never end. There are a few problems here though. You have quite a collection of subjects: 'her', 'our', 'us', 'they', 'we', 'dear friend' and of course 'Gomez'. Do they make any sense when put together? No. Does a nightmare make any sense? Not usually. Does the confusion one encounters in a dream need a poetical translation that makes some sense? Yes. The idea of sense in this case is connected to the idea of imagery. You have some imagery here. Not a lot though. And that isn't bad. But in all honesty you're not really saying much. The images you do have don't connect to one another. An unexplained little darling is in her cage fighting off an unexplained dizzy haze. Who is the little darling and why does she have a dizzy haze - and where does she go? Because suddenly, after 2 'Gomez run' lines, she's replaced with the mysterious our. At this point the reader is likely asking - who is she, where has she gone, who are they and who the HELL is Gomez. Not a good start really. And instead of sorting it all out, and forming some resolution you end with the cliched line that the nightmare will never end. What nightmare? Who's nightmare? Gomez's? The little darling's? Theirs? Ours? What happens in the nightmare? What's the dizzy haze? Who's the dear friend? The dear friend of Gomez or of the little darling? No, not good at all. If you are going to write ambigiously, it needs to be done with care. This has all the personal meaning in the world to you - and that's cool. But it simply means nothing to me, and most likely to a wider readership. If you want it to mean something to others I suggest you cut out the repetition of gomez, sacrifice the tone and beat that is alive for you, expand on some of the imagery - make it a place, not just a jumble of one-line sensations and fears, and - most importantly - sort out your perspectives. Choose a her, a they, a we, or a Gomez. Narrow your scope - your poem is too short for the mess you have injected into it.  K[This message has been edited by Severn (02-01-2003 07:22 AM).] |
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Teen14 Junior Member
since 2003-01-26
Posts 19 |
You guys aren't understanding this still. I'll go line by line. Before I do that, Gomez run and Gomez runaway just is telling him to wake up. It's a supposed to be a chilling echo throughout the poem. No matter what you say, I'm not taking it out! Darling's in her little cage This means someone has gone to bed. Darling is a person, cage is the bed. Fighting off the dizzy haze. Now you're falling asleep Tonight our dreams are dressed in black. This implies that it's a nightmare Feeding underneath our hat. The terror is sinking into the mind now. Infecting us like a sore. The terror is hitting the nerves. Diving into all our pores. It's spreading Ok, the whole next four lines I hate. I'm gonna take them out. They make no sense. They chase all through the night. Whatever horrible thing in the nightmare is getting at the dreamer. As we scatter all in fright. The dreamer is trying to get away. Scream we might, fight we try. The dreamer is trying to wake up. No matter what we all shall die. This is what someone feels like if a nightmare is really bad. Please escape my dear friend. This is just a message out to someone to wake up if they're really frightened. For this nightmare...It shall never end. Again, a feeling during the nightmare. This poem is not describing any particular nightmare I had. It is trying to capture the feelings and emotions someone feels during a nightmare or at least what I feel. That's what it's all about. I've figured out after reading and analyzing poems in school that sometimes unless you're the poet you'll never truly appreciate or understand the poem. Maybe that's what it's like here. I don't know. |
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brian madden Member Elite
since 2000-05-06
Posts 4374ireland |
I think if you re-read Severn's comments you will see that her confusion was not with meaning of the imagery in the poem. Meaning of the metaphors you have used are quite clear, there are some strong lines, but the whole poem is clouded by your jump from third person to first person, from singular to plural. She said "You have quite a collection of subjects: 'her', 'our', 'us', 'they', 'we', 'dear friend' and of course 'Gomez'. Do they make any sense when put together? No. Does a nightmare make any sense? Not usually. Does the confusion one encounters in a dream need a poetical translation that makes some sense? Yes." Both Hush and Severn have made very valid points here and it would be worth your time taking their suggestions on board. “I've figured out after reading and analyzing poems in school that sometimes unless you're the poet you'll never truly appreciate or understand the poem” I would disagree, obviously being the author you are privy to the meaning of the symbolism in the poem, but that doesn’t mean that the readers interruption of the piece is any less valid than then the poets. If your statement were true then then reading other people’s poetry would be futile. got hips like cinderella must be having a good shame talking sweet about nothing |
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Teen14 Junior Member
since 2003-01-26
Posts 19 |
You guys still don't get it or maybe I don't know. I guess you guys are right...you're the critics. My poem is terrible and confusing to you guys so I guess it must seem that way to everyone. My friends get it. And I did think about what the other two people said but you guys won't think about what I'm saying. But that doesn't matter. This poem is finished. In case you didn't notice I posted two others. You go bash them now if you want becuase I'm done with trying to make people understand. |
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furlong Member
since 2001-04-08
Posts 129 |
lol |
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Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704 |
quote: Ok Teen14. First thing - stop with the self-pity. If you are going to post in a Critical Analysis forum then I suggest you change your expectations to suit the forum. Dictionary definition of criticism: '2. The analysis or evaluation of a work of art, literature etc. Dictionary definition of critique: '2. The act or art of criticising.' Dictionary definition of bash: '1. To strike violently or crushingly.' Note that analysis and evaluation are not synonymous with the definition of bash. I appreciate your line by line explaining each separate line. I also pointed out to you that I'm sure you are aware exactly what each line means and that's cool. Yet think about it. Assume you've never seen this line before in your life: 'Darling's in her little cage' Would you immediately know that it translated to: 'This means someone has gone to bed. Darling is a person, cage is the bed'? quote: Yes I have actually. Now I know it isn't nice when you feel misunderstood. So I'll ask you once again - why do you think that might be? What I understand is that you have a bundle of disconnected lines, representing the metaphor of a nightmare - lines that you understand perfectly and that not many others would - especially when they're linked together with the multitude of perspectives you have (with the exception of your friends apparently). I'll tell you again - to me, the critic, the repetition of Gomez is NOT a chilling echo, it's an annoyance. However, it is your right as the author to keep it in. Yet your blind inability to think through what we have said ('No matter what you say, I'm not taking it out!') suggests to me that you have not thoughtfully considered what the critics have said, and are keeping those lines in because of your own biased position toward the poem. Again - I suggest a reassessment of your reasons for posting in Critical Analysis. Take care. K[This message has been edited by Severn (02-01-2003 04:29 PM).] |
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Teen14 Junior Member
since 2003-01-26
Posts 19 |
Like I said, I did think thoughtfully about what you guys are saying. I do agree that so lines are just jumbled nonsense and I have decided to takes out four lines because of this. Once again, I don't want to take out the Gomez lines and that's that. And you're right and it's no fun being misunderstood. Like I said before though, this may be a poem that only the poet understands. I respect your critsicm and I'm sorry I lashed out. It was immature and I apologize. Yes, the lines are jummbled I see and some don't make sense but some you can make easy sense out of if you think about them long enough. I had to do that in school with analyzing and interpreting poems. I'll changed the poem a bit (the Gomez lines are staying! Skip them if you want!), and I'll post the new version. Thank you and I once again apologize for my lashing out. |
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Teen14 Junior Member
since 2003-01-26
Posts 19 |
Oh, I forgot something. I noticed you only comment on poems that need work. Well I posted two other poems that I would like crtiqued and I've gotten no replies yet. Is it becuase they're fine the way they are? I'm not sure. Anyway, look at them please. |
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Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704 |
Smile, that's cool. Hm...you notice I only reply to poems that need work? Well, most poems need work don't they? Are your other poems an exception to that? No - I have only so much time to devote here, and at the moment it's not that much. Mostly though, I reply to what I want, when I want. K |
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Paul Wilson
since 2002-07-07
Posts 4711United States |
Teen 14 These are caring people with alot of experience in both reading and writing poetry that are only trying to point out to you how to improve YOUR writing skills. We all could use some improvement including myself so you're not alone and they are not picking on you, they only replied to your poem because by posting it in this forum, you asked that it be critiqued. Perhaps you owe Severn and Brian an apology but that is up to you. If as your name states and you are a 14 year old teenager you might be better suited to post in the Teen Forum and let your peers read your work.I am not commenting on you poem because I don't feel that I have the knowledge or experience too do so and my opinion wouldn't matter to you anyway...Paul "To share my poems with you is to share my heart with you" |
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Teen14 Junior Member
since 2003-01-26
Posts 19 |
I know they're trying to help me and I was just wondering. And I said I was sorry. Really I am. I'm not doing so well here am I? Do I have to grovel for forgivness? Really I will. I'm truly terribly and utterly sorry. Really I am. |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
No real need to apologize Teen. You will find that most of the regulars here have a pretty thick skin. If you stay around, you will likely develop that also. The point here though is the focus of this forum. This is no place to post if all you are looking for is pats on the back and congratulations for writing a great poem. As the name implies, our purpose is to recieve constructive criticism. The only reason I can imagine one should ask for criticism is to take advantage of that criticism to improve ones writing. Now if you have to go into such detail to explain a poem then it may be that it really is too obscure. And by staunchly proclaiming the "Gomez lines" will stay, in spite of the fact that nearly every critic has said they need to go, it would seem that you are not open to any suggestion at all. If that is the case then I would suggest that you may be wasting your time. I sincerely hope that you will adjust your attitude to that of the forum. The converse is not going to happen. I don't mean to be harsh although I am afraid it may come off as such. It's just that, as a new member, you may not yet understand how the forum works. In truth, we really are a pretty nice bunch and we do care about your writing. Otherwise you would not have received any response at all. Try to listen to the advice. Of course, not all of it is good and your poems are yours but take what makes sense and ignore what does not. Be sure to thank the critic in either case though. But when faced by a near unanimous critical impression, it is usually a good idea to reevaluate your own perspective. Pete |
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Teen14 Junior Member
since 2003-01-26
Posts 19 |
Like I said, I will rewrite the poem so it makes more sense, but I as the poet still feel the Gomez lines should stay. I just think they should be there. I don't have a problem with people skipping over them. It doesn't bother me. But I'll post the new version of the poem when I feel it is ready. Thank you for your suggestions. |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
There is one thing I forgot to say earlier. Of course it is your poem and you have the absolute right to create it any way you desire. If you are writing only for your own satisfaction then that is fine too. If, however, you are hoping for others to read and enjoy your work, then it is essential that you write something others find desirable to read. Those who have already spoken to this poem have expressed what would be necessary to begin making it interesting for them. I concur with their analysis, for what it's worth. The danger is not that they will skip those lines they find boring but that they will skip the entire poem, considering it a waste of their valuable time. Yes, Hush, Brian and Severn have already devoted a lot of their time to analysing your poem. I know each of them well enough to know that they have other things they could be doing. Fortunately, they are all talented writers and are generous enough with their time to give a little of it to those of us who ask for their help, help to improve our own writing styles. Personally, I would not take that gift lightly. Pete |
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