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Critical Analysis #2
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first poem on these boards-would love some feedback
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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first poem on these boards-would love some feedback |
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defenestrate Junior Member
since 2003-01-10
Posts 46nc, us |
i've been hanging out here for the last couple of nights, leaving feeback on topics, and i wrote something last night that i'd love a critique on. i realize that this work is sort of a bastardization of multiple poetic traditions, and i'm comfortable with taking heat for it-especially if there's a REASON i'm taking heat for it. also, i'd like to mention that this is a poem about a dream, and each little haikuesque bit represents a moment within it i'm trying to recapitulate-will be glad to fill in with the actual dream if desired. anyway, here goes: (as of yet untitled) see a child passing tiny and innocent like you were long ago our boy, nembutal my only proof that love is unconditional sudden appearance; in casual chromatics, others similar attempts made to lead away from the source of noise danger looms nearby another's vessel laid to waste in the attempt and i am on foot blue seats floating from water and human framing- impromptu footpath smarmy vocal thug droll word play and studied charm while sniffing my ear a dream enigma the fresh wound cleverly played with much left hanging i'd love any feedback you guys have-my main issue right now is with the end-i've a habit historically of always taking up time at the end to synopsize (is that a word?) my take on the rest of the poem. anyway, dig in, and thanks in advance. |
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| © Copyright 2003 kris long - All Rights Reserved | |||
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angelfriend Member
since 2003-01-11
Posts 52Michigan USA |
I enjoyed your poem and think the ending is good myself. But I am not the best critic as I simply write from the heart and my form is not studied as of yet. I think you have good form myself from what I do know. Keep dreaming! |
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defenestrate Junior Member
since 2003-01-10
Posts 46nc, us |
thanks-i'm a long-time rather amateur poet who has spent years just trying to more or less vent my feelings onto paper, which works quite well in songwriting, but i'm trying to learn some of the complexities of "serious" poetry. appreciate the positive remarks, though. |
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hush Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653Ohio, USA |
What made you choose a haiku syllabic structure? You have some really coll images/wording in this: 'in casual chromatics,' 'water and human framing-' 'smarmy vocal thug' 'a dream enigma the fresh wound cleverly played with much left hanging' This kind of poem is hard to critique, because it's not really supposed to be cohesive, nor are all the holes supposed to be filled in. I'll say that I got the impression of an accident, maybe a car accident near a river or lake? (blue seats floating from/water and human framing-/impromptu footpath) The one stanza I found out of place in that context was: 'smarmy vocal thug droll word play and studied charm while sniffing my ear' The only real placing I can do of this is a passerby or maybe a cop (thug?) giving the speaker an admonition about not watching his kid any better... it seems like maybe you could add a little hinintg in there as to what you meant, in an already vague poem I thought that was maybe just a little too shifty, but that could just be me... Anyway, I like this overall, and hope I've helped. |
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defenestrate Junior Member
since 2003-01-10
Posts 46nc, us |
thanks for the feedback, hush-i figured, after posting it, that either anyone who replied would hate it because of lack of adherance to most specific tradition, or they just wouldn't find an easy way to critique it. i chose haiku just because i was messing with haiku, and i decided to write a series in that form. i'll hopefully remember to actually spew out the dream it's about soon-i'm winding down, and it may take a bit to type out the info i remember coherently. |
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