1st & 2nd Person Rhetoric - pipTalk Forums

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Superhero
New Member

since 2003-01-09

Posts 6
California, US

0 posted 2003-01-09 02:59 AM

THIS IS NO POEM
but this is expression
THIS WONT HELP
but it helps me think
THIS IS ALL A LIE
but this is my truth
THIS MAKES YOU CRAZY
but i thought writing helps
THIS ISNT "WRITING"
then what is it
THIS IS FILTH
...
ISNT DIALOGUE FUN?
shutup...youre wrong.

It's an amazing thing when you find you still have the ability to surprise yourself.

Astro
Member

since 2003-01-08

Posts 69
Ca.

1 posted 2003-01-09 02:57 PM

Well, it's pretty gutsy to enter into a critiquing forum with that kind of poem.It's not bad, nor would I call it good. It's self-indulgent. You're basically talking to yourself and not inviting the reader to participate. So, it's personal and possibly therapeutic for yourself but it's not a piece that will attract an audience. That's not necessarily a bad thing, to repel the reader.
The endearing part of your poem is the humor in schizophrenia. The constant banterof the psyche is something I can relate to.
So, that's my opinion. Hope it's useful.

Severn
Member Rara Avis

since 1999-07-17

Posts 7704

2 posted 2003-01-09 09:24 PM

Astro - why will this not attract an audience of any kind?

Just playing the devil's advocate..

K

Superhero
New Member

since 2003-01-09

Posts 6
California, US

3 posted 2003-01-10 01:02 AM

well thank you astro. thats exactly the kind of input i appreciate most. here's my question, do you think that the poem's intent is more self-serving, or an example of 2 lives that we all can live? for me, when i wrote it i was thinking more along the lines of shocking the audience, so another question would be, what other aspects do you think i could add to add that trait?

It's an amazing thing when you find you still have the ability to surprise yourself.

Astro
Member

since 2003-01-08

Posts 69
Ca.

4 posted 2003-01-10 03:43 PM

Thanks for being so humble and willing to take crititicsm. That's a sign of character, which many lack.
As always, my opinion is just that...an opinion. but since you're interested, I'd say don't give away the theme of your poem. You announce your intent and leave the reader little room for imagination. I understand this is a statement of how you doubt your writing skills, or your aptitude in general. That's something we can all relate to.
I've been marked off on English papers for "announcing" my thesis. Maybe youcan relate. I'd say, "the purpose of this paper is to prove that John Donne is a better poet than the Earl of Surrey." It'd be better to say, "John Donne's poetry speaks with more passion and boldness than ten Earls of Surrey." You get the point. One is plain, the other is vivid and even shocking (especially if you like Surrey).
So, I'd say, insted of stating, "This is no poem," you could say "This poem is refuse. The waste of swine and vomit form fools imbibed with wine."
"Ah, no," I reply, "i refuse to listen to my mind."
I don't know... That's my poetic voice. You have to find your own. One thing that helped me was a teacher who told me that good writing appeals to the senses. It should not tell you about food, but make you taste it. You do not read about perfume, you inhale it. You do not ponder the touch, you are blanketed in velvet. Get the point?
Moe descriptive language will captivate the reader and ensure you a lasting audience.

brian madden
Member Elite

since 2000-05-06

Posts 4374
ireland

5 posted 2003-01-13 03:05 PM

Oscar Wilde said that there are only two types of poetry good and bad.

I am saying that this poem is either, its the starting point of something. You could make some interesting and valid points about a poet and his/her art. The addition of metaphor and strong imagery would help maintain the audiences interest. Play with the audience and their expectations, expand the dialogue. Just a few thoughts. Look forward to reading more from you.

watched from the wings as the scenes were replayed we saw ourselves now as we never have seen" ian curtis

Superhero
New Member

since 2003-01-09

Posts 6
California, US

6 posted 2003-01-14 01:29 AM

thank you both for all of your helpful criticsm, and i'm going to be working on another copy of it and will be sure to post it, thanks again.

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