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PoeTik JusTice Member
since 2003-01-05
Posts 186California, USA 
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I'm a young amateur poet, very young in fact and I wanted thoughts on a bit of my writing. I know I don't have very much structure, so do you think you can help me out? Thanks! ------------------------------------------------- *Midnight Masquerade* I've been watching you from afar Your eyes met mine like a shooting star We fell into the midst of an endless night Now our hearts begin to take flight Our love becomes a burning ember We must make this night something to remember So give me your hand Let our love get lost in the sand Let's start this midnight masquerade Share this night as the moon begins to fade Now I lay here dreading the words good bye If we let this go, my heart will forever cry As you kiss me farewell My words come out of their shell "We can't end such beauty so soon We must make this special under the moon" So give me your hand Let our love get lost in the sand Let's start this midnight masquerade Share this night as the moon begins to fade As the dragonflies light your face I realize to give you up would be a disgrace Every moment seems captured in the waves Our love is something the ocean craves Let's lay in this warm sand forever and always Never let our love be measured by the days XoXo Love Alwayz XoXo |
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brian madden Member Elite
since 2000-05-06
Posts 4374ireland |
When I read the first few lines, I thought another rhyme poem. I can never understand why people feel that a poem is not a poem until it rhymes. Rhyme is a hard thing to pull off successfully. You have pulled it off in parts here. It works in parts and in other parts it doesn’t. I believe a key factor in successful rhyme is that it should be natural, never seem forced. Simplicity is often the key here. To quote a few lines from a Dylan Thomas poem “Do not go gentle into that good night, Old age should burn and rave at close of day; Rage, rage against the dying of the light”. See how he creates a sense of rhythm how easy it is to read those lines. OK to the poem itself. My first question would be the title, nice image but in terms of the poem it seems out of place. Webster definition of “Masquerade” is 1 a : a social gathering of persons wearing masks and often fantastic costumes b : a costume for wear at such a gathering 2 : an action or appearance that is mere disguise or show From my reading of the poem, the two people seem to be very open to each other, no sign of a masquerade. On the plus side I really liked the rhyming of masquerade with craves and waves. I am not sure about the first two lines “I've been watching you from afar Your eyes met mine like a shooting star” They suggest some distance between the speaker and the other person in the poem, while the rest of the poem shows how intimate they are. You could start the poem from the line, “We fell into the midst of an endless night” though “endless” might be a bit cliché “Our love becomes a burning ember” something about the word “becomes” weakens the image, try “our love is” or even “we burn” Also “burning ember” is a bit obvious, we know that an ember burns, use the image of the ember to reveal more about the type of relationship, the use of “ember” creates a sense of passion. “Now I lay here dreading the words good bye If we let this go, my heart will forever cry As you kiss me farewell My words come out of their shell "We can't end such beauty so soon We must make this special under the moon" Eek I think you are being overly sentimental here, its not very strong in comparison to some of the other images such as “Every moment seems captured in the waves Our love is something the ocean craves” or “As the dragonflies light your face” In these lines you showed the emotions involved without spelling them out or overstating them. As another poet once said to me “show don’t tell.” Overall I really enjoyed the read, you have some strong images and an obvious talent. Keep writing and of course read read read. Look forward to reading more of your poetry, hope I have been of some help and please view what I have said only as suggestions. watched from the wings as the scenes were replayed we saw ourselves now as we never have seen" ian curtis |
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PoeTik JusTice Member
since 2003-01-05
Posts 186California, USA |
Thank you for the help. I knew my poem needed work and you gave me a lot of ideas. The reason I made this poem rhyming was beceaus in my original write of it some of the lines happened to rhyme and I Didn't want there to be sporatic rhyming here and there, because it didn't sound very good. Thank you for your opinions and thoughts! Appreciate it! XoXo Love Alwayz XoXo |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
I really liked Brian's advice. I don't think he meant to say that you shouldn't make this poem rhyme but that you have to work a little harder if you want it to. Some of you rhymes, as he mentioned, as obviously forced. That means the reader is painfully obvious of the efforts made at rhyming, the words are wrong or just dn't quite fit the context. When a rhymed poem flows properly unforced, the rhyming really doesn't stand out that much. It almost seems like ordinary conversation. Another point. Rhyming couplets (pairs of rhyming lines) can be a difficult pattern when writing of a serious subject. It works very well for more frivilous matter and has come to be associated somewhat that way. To treat a serious subject you have to be especially careful of the rhyming and all the wording. JMHO, Pete |
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jeffwillett Member
since 2003-01-04
Posts 86Texas, US |
I agree with them...although i also like rhyme poems...i just can't get the feel for free verse. oh, and im also an noob writer so it's nice to see another work in progress, this obviously isn't a critical analysis, just a comment i guess...all in all it wasn't bad though...like my work, and yours, it can only get better |
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