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Critical Analysis #2
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arthur
Senior Member
since 2001-08-14
Posts 678
england

0 posted 2002-12-28 12:08 PM



a love song

Those common stars that shine above,
How swift they run and hide.
When fair sun begins her flood.

The spring flowers are all doomed,
There beauty sure denied.
When the rose begins her bloom.

Now all you birds must quiet bring,
And listen now with pride.
For the nightengale will sing.

All you maids that rage and fume,
Quickly now aside.
For my love is coming soon.

arthur
does any one know the correct name for this ryhme structure -if it has one ??

© Copyright 2002 michael bennett - All Rights Reserved
Enchantress
Member Empyrean
since 2001-08-14
Posts 35113
Canada eh.
1 posted 2002-12-29 06:44 PM


Hello Michael..sorry I can't help you with the name of this rhyme structure, but I throughly enjoyed this piece.  
I would watch your spelling and grammar though.  
Perhaps use 'word' or some such with 'spell check' before posting.
Other than that...this I loved!
Well done!
~Hugs across the pond~

~Time has cast a spell on you,
  So you won't ever forget me~

fractal007
Senior Member
since 2000-06-01
Posts 1958

2 posted 2002-12-29 08:14 PM


I dunno the name of the rhyming structure but it sure is a good one.

As for the poem itself some of the lines seem somewhat forced, like this one:

When fair sun begins her flood.

This line seems somewhat awkward.  

But on the whole, apart for the apparent spelling mistake in line six, the poem isn't too bad.

"If history is to change, let it change. If the world is to be destroyed, so be it. If my fate is to die, I must simply laugh"

-- Magus

arthur
Senior Member
since 2001-08-14
Posts 678
england
3 posted 2002-12-30 06:02 AM


all in all i think i agree with you both

the poemis somewhat forced i admit.It was written as an exercise rather than as a need to voice some intense feeling.
Oddly enough I dont find the line
"When the sun begins her flood" awkward.
But the poem taken as a whole is
As for the spelling
do you know I still cant see whats wrong
It is so annoying
arthur

Not A Poet
Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885
Oklahoma, USA
4 posted 2002-12-30 11:26 AM


Hi Arthur,

The only spelling error I find is nightengale which should be nightingale. There in L5 should be their. I also see a couple of adjectives which I believe should have been adverbs, eg, swift in L2 and sure in L5. The periods ending the middle lines of each stanza should be removed, no punctuation is necessary or even proper in those cases. Finally, the commas ending L7 and L10 should be removed as they separate the subject from the verb.

I agree with the above comments. It is a quite enjoyable poem.

JMHO,
Pete

sweetwater
Member
since 2002-12-16
Posts 178
Perth
5 posted 2003-01-03 09:51 PM


ok it's definitely of the 'tercet' variety. Not a villanelle or terzanelle . It has the three line stanza, a rhyming pattern, but it's not quite structured enough to be  a sicilian tercet and not the correct rhyming pattern for a Terza Rima... so I'm putting my money on an 'enclosed tercet'

Hope that helps, though I feel like I'm preaching to the choir.

jeffwillett
Member
since 2003-01-04
Posts 86
Texas, US
6 posted 2003-01-04 02:55 PM


I'm not yet experienced enough to give a critique or anything (being only 16) but for me it seemed hard to flow from line to line, but i have trouble with that anyways.  
arthur
Senior Member
since 2001-08-14
Posts 678
england
7 posted 2003-01-04 04:33 PM


thanks for your comment
flow is everything
and yes -it staggers a bit
but it is really an exercise in trying to use a strange format
if you look at it you can see I have been reading too much elizabethen poetry
anyway
thank you for your interest
arthur

latearrival
Member Ascendant
since 2003-03-21
Posts 5499
Florida
8 posted 2005-01-18 11:29 AM


I don't know enough about poetry in it's strictest form. But I liked your poem. I can see the Sun "flooding" the Sprng flowers with it's heat and causing them their doom. And then the roses coming forth to bring their bloom. Each in their own season. Each to be enjoyed in their own time. marty

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