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'armless Yarn
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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'armless Yarn |
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sweetwater Member
since 2002-12-16
Posts 178Perth |
A smoke-filled room, a loud gaffaw, the barmaid pours a beer, the pub is full of country blokes and Aussie atmosphere. Some 'Chisel' thru the speakers, the racetrack on the telly, pool table sending iv'ry balls to its underbelly. Walls adorned with history, and heads of native birds, the Nation'l Anthem in a frame, 'cause no-one knows the words. An ag'ed man sits in the corner, sipping at his ale, his teeth are stained, his liver's shot, his ragged skin is pale. Young buck swaggers in and, as the room lets up a shout, he tips his head in mock salute and takes his earnings out. Good mates standing at the bar as jugs are passed around, the yarns are flowing freely to impress the growing crowd. The old man in the corner holds his voice above the din, "You boys want a story, eh? Well, buck up and listen in. Jus' the other day this feller was sat here at the bar, he held his glass with steel hook, his cheek, it had a scar. That scar, it ran from ear to chin, crikey it was shockin', angry, red and all inflamed, he'd taken quite a coppin'. With legs the size of tree trunks an' a barrel for a chest, he looked as though, with just one blow, he'd put a man to rest. I ventured on the happenings, and nodded to his claws, he turned to me, quite wearily, and spoke, after a pause." As if to emulate the mood, the old man waits a bit, he squints his eyes upon the crowd and makes a show of it. "This bloke is felling up a tree, 'bout fifty foot or so, a lightning bolt, he gets a jolt, the chainsaw he lets go. It backs up from the branch and lops off both his paws, then, before he thinks to catch 'em, they hit the forest floors. He’s with them soon enough, as the rest of him descended. I shakes me head, 'Christ!' I says, tryin' to comprehend it." The crowd is leaning forward and the air is getting tense, the old man lights a cigarette, just to build suspense. He slowly sips at his beer, then lifts his head to speak, "Me eyes then trail from steel claws to mark upon 'is cheek, 'That how you did your face in, the chainsaw misbehavin'?' He took a pause, held up his claws, and shrugged, "Cut it shavin'."" |
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| © Copyright 2002 Tash - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Rainbowdust Member
since 2002-12-05
Posts 320Sydney, Australia |
*laughing* I adored this and have saved it for my library!  Maybe cos I'm Australian too and could relate to it so well, especially: Walls adorned with history, and heads of native birds, the Nation'l Anthem in a frame, 'cause no-one knows the words. Thanks for sharing! The soul would have no rainbows, had the eyes no tears. |
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Tansen Junior Member
since 2002-12-14
Posts 11 |
Ha Ha Ha, This is good. I enjoyed the rhymes, the tune and the lore. it is good. Keep going, tansen |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Good story, well told. Robert Service must be smiling. Thanks, Pete |
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sweetwater Member
since 2002-12-16
Posts 178Perth |
thanks all, I was hoping to improve it because it was just rejected (for the umpteenth time) as a traditional ballad.. is it not a ballad? if not please help me see where and why.. I'm at the end of my redraft potential on this one. |
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SPIRIT Senior Member
since 2002-12-29
Posts 1745California Desert |
Whatever it is - it's sure darn good. My perspective of me is different, |
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arthur Senior Member
since 2001-08-14
Posts 678england |
loved it wish it where mine i cant suggest any improvements in fact dont dream of changing it just back from Wollongong had a great time arthur |
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defenestrate Junior Member
since 2003-01-10
Posts 46nc, us |
i'm not sure why traditionalists would reject this, but i'm not really a traditionalist. the only real critique i have is that in text form, there are a couple of spots where the syllables have to be stretched or silence has to be held(in order to maintain that lovely heptameter)that draws an unnatural amount of attention to the specific parts. i think this could make a GREAT drinking song, though-a little syllable stretching/etc works well there. heck, after you've touched it up a bit, if you'd like, maybe i can try and come up with some guitar to it-i play a lot of celtic/irish-style stuff. ye gods, i need to learn to better screen my messages for errors. [This message has been edited by defenestrate (01-12-2003 10:08 AM).] |
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gypsy girl Junior Member
since 2003-01-09
Posts 12Pennsylvania, USA |
This is fantastic...good, solid story, and you did a wonderful job creating the atmosphere and building suspense. |
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ForGetMeNot087 Junior Member
since 2002-12-08
Posts 15 |
 WONDERFULL |
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kram Junior Member
since 2003-01-17
Posts 20texas |
I love the setting of this ballad - tough Aussies in a bar telling stories. Great ending! |
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hohenstein New Member
since 2003-01-17
Posts 9 |
what a great tale i say as i sip upon a guiness even paul bunyon would state i wish that i was in this |
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