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Leaves
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Leaves |
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brian madden Member Elite
since 2000-05-06
Posts 4374ireland 
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A cluster of leaves claw from the edge of addict’s branch, thin twigged, with infantile hooks that latch deeply to the milken veil of both breast and sky, in flux. Synthetic shades of evergreen, draining intravenously by touch; its prints soil cloud and linen soaked in first blood then ink. First blood and then ink, rustles the leaves, brittle like knives the spine snaps by whim falling in through Venus on to the thickets and death. -------------- 12/12/02 recently posted in Open 23 watched from the wings as the scenes were replayed we saw ourselves now as we never have seen" ian curtis [This message has been edited by brian madden (12-15-2002 05:16 PM).] |
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| © Copyright 2002 brian madden - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Why in the world are you using that style of linebreak? |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Just a quick suggestion: A cluster of leaves claw from the edge of Addict branch. You propel the reader with the verb in the second line and my turning addict into a proper name, you allow yourself a world to pursue rather than a strained analogy. |
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brian madden Member Elite
since 2000-05-06
Posts 4374ireland |
hi Brad, why not? to my ears it made sense, it was the way I felt the poem should be read. The reason for "A cluster of leaves claw" as oppose to "A cluster of leaves" is that I liked the way it sounded as a phrase, i wanted people to focus on the image of the leaves clawing, i felt that to by putting "claw" on the first line it gave it more on an impact where as to put it on the second line would take from the impact of image, it is a self contained image almost with the next few lines been secondary in importance to the first. As for the "Addict branch." suggestion, firstly l like the "s" sound and feel that it cushions the gap between the two words, i didn't want to draw too much attention to the use of the word addict, it is key to the poem yes, but I did not focus too much attention on its use. THanks for taking the time to read and put forward your suggestions. They have given me much to think about. watched from the wings as the scenes were replayed we saw ourselves now as we never have seen" ian curtis |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
quote: That's the problem. The image doesn't change by changing the line break, the rhythm and importance of those after-lines do. Linebreaks aren't walls separating meaning, they are forms of punctuation. |
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brian madden Member Elite
since 2000-05-06
Posts 4374ireland |
The reason for the style of line breaks is because in my mind this is how the poem should be read. I am not that well educated about poetry techiques, having learned much of what i know from trial and error and this forum. I will re format this text, and see if it strengthens the poem. Again thank you for the input, I am not dismissing your suggestions merely stating my reasons for writing the poem in that style. Brad, thanks again for the time and effort. ============================ (Reformatted version) A cluster of leaves claw from the edge of addict’s branch, thin twigged, with infantile hooks that latch deeply to the milken veil of both breast and sky, in flux. Synthetic shades of evergreen, draining intravenously by touch; its prints soil cloud and linen soaked in first blood then ink. First blood and then ink, rustles the leaves, brittle like knives the spine snaps by whim falling in through Venus on to the thickets and death. -------------- watched from the wings as the scenes were replayed we saw ourselves now as we never have seen" ian curtis [This message has been edited by brian madden (12-24-2002 02:46 PM).] |
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abba56 New Member
since 2002-12-29
Posts 5Mn |
Ahhh It is nice to know there is someone besides myself that struggles with proper poetic technique. I've often wished that I had a really good editor on free standby. Then I just write what I think and feel and pass it along to them for proper formatting and grammatical corrections. (sigh) but that is one of the best things about a critique forum like this one. It gives poor souls like us the chance to learn. I liked both versions of this, but have to admit the second re-write just looks more like poetry. I thought the first stanza was the strongest. I usually prefer seeing the best stanza as the last one. Just personal preference. |
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