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Critical Analysis #2
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insomnia in west campus
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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insomnia in west campus |
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nicolecruz Junior Member
since 2002-12-11
Posts 16 |
around here the homeless people share a dog and the populace bleeds battery acid orange i sleep in too sexy underwear that no one ever sees or stumbles over with thumb and forefinger backpacks are an epidemic and attach themselves malignantly to every free back sooner or later i smoke too much and don't think i'm addicted but wish i was one way streets abound turning left is an impossibility when the lights never green i am vulnerable and naked if my eyes aren't smudged black and lined the dump truck empties and devours at five a.m. loudly and clumsily and wakes everyone on the block who wasn't sleeping anyway i question mirrors and reality and the contents of my subconscious but ultimately chalk it all up to the underwear that no one ever sees |
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| © Copyright 2002 nicolecruz - All Rights Reserved | |||
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hush Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653Ohio, USA |
I like this. Very Ginsbergian, with some 21st century female flavor thrown into the mix. I would maybe think about breaking your long stream-of-thought lines down to stanzas- it would make for a more cohesive poem. Neat poem, welcome to CA. Hope I've helped. |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Hi Nicole, Another welcome to CA. I agree with Hush on the overly long lines. They are distracting. I also stumbled over the "with thumb and forefinger" line. It just doesn't fit, IMHO. I did enjoy the image of the sexy underwear that nobody ever sees. Check your email for a welcoming message. Thanks, Pete |
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That skull had a tongue New Member
since 2002-12-10
Posts 4 |
Nicolecruz, I love stumbling over sexy underwear with thumb and forefinger, and I enjoyed the trickiness of that line. If you were to remove it completely, it would sound like you have a messy room. The way it creates in words the trickiness of the real task is good, and I think it should remain as is. My question is on the use of “bleeds battery acid orange” in the first stanza. I don’t really understand what that means. I knew a girl who sweated and urinated orange, but that was because of the meds. she was on for a kidney infection. In other words, I think “the populace / bleeds battery acid” would be just as good without the orange. As for the extended lines, I don’t see anything wrong with them. However, I do understand some of the problems your other readers have with them. One thing you might try is keeping it consistent. Take each idea and run it across the page. That is, the stanzas you have pretty much consist of one general idea. Move all of the lines in a stanza on to the same line. It might run around, but people understand the limits of space. Good poem. Thanks! -That skull had a tongue |
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nicolecruz Junior Member
since 2002-12-11
Posts 16 |
thank you for the responses. i take the ginsberg comment as definite compliment. and i will give serious consideration to shortening my lines. i am a student at the university of texas at austin, and the school color is burnt orange. the color saturates the entire campus, and is synomous with longhorn pride. this is what the "battery acid orange" line refers to. thanks all... |
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Rainbowdust Member
since 2002-12-05
Posts 320Sydney, Australia |
Hi Nicole.. I really enjoyed this one, and its originality.  Great work! The soul would have no rainbows, had the eyes no tears. |
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pagethatwritesme Junior Member
since 2002-07-13
Posts 14 |
i want to like this poem, but i think it suffers from a lack of indicision with the subjective and objective observations. although there is not problem with having the two in the same piece, i don't think you have clearly established a strong enough of link between the two. keep the to sleepy to be wearing this sexy underwear image and start from the beginning. work on the linebreaks, as already mentioned. page ~~~~~ "the only thing that doesn't suck about love is the [edit by moderator to avoid having to send it to the adult forum]." [This message has been edited by Not A Poet (12-24-2002 05:02 PM).] |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Too short. |
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brian madden Member Elite
since 2000-05-06
Posts 4374ireland |
I liked the poem, some great images. The “battery acid orange” image I read as describing the fluorescent street lights. This would tie in with the theme of insomnia, it’s a great line. I have read the poem quite a few times before commenting, still undecided as to whether the fragmented style works or not. The fragmented style works in terms of the poem being about insomnia, with insomnia things blur, moments drag, thoughts fragment…. So in some sense the poem works, however I would disagree with Brad on the poem being too short, Personally I think there maybe too many loose threads. The third stanza seems to be out place with the poem, I like the image and the idea but would like to see a parallel being drawn between the dependency on back packs and your insomnia. I think the poem works as a whole without it. I feel you need to clarify the stanza a bit more in relation to the rest of the poem. I understand why its there, but its introduction’s very abrupt and disrupts the flow of the poem. Other that I really enjoyed the poem watched from the wings as the scenes were replayed we saw ourselves now as we never have seen" ian curtis |
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
Nicole, I enjoyed this poem. Forgive me, but I often read in here, and rarely comment, as I am not good in giving critiques. People like Brad are, however, and I had to chuckle at his comment. I do believe that is almost the shortest comment I have EVER seen Brad leave...and I also think it was a compliment...  Welcome to Passions! |
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