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Critical Analysis #2
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warmhrt
Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563


0 posted 2002-12-10 06:56 PM



The Memory Box

He's finally taken her,
put her in a
compartmentalized box,
where each memory can be stored
by the emotion it evokes.
They are in no special order,
he just sorted them
as they came to him,
most went into two
and three compartments,
when others were easily
slipped into one...
those were either the best
or the worst of emotions
that particular memory
would always elicit.

The grieving ended when
he put the lid on the box,
pushed it back away
in his mind;
he knows it is there
if he needs it,
though he hopes he doesn't
for a time...
perhaps one day
he can sift through it,
especially the happy memories,
and let them be
just that.

© Copyright 2002 warmhrt - All Rights Reserved
That skull had a tongue
New Member
since 2002-12-10
Posts 4

1 posted 2002-12-10 11:47 PM


Hmmm . . . Very interesting.  warmhrt, this is a rather accurate assessment of a common struggle.

A couple of ideas:  

-get rid of the word “compartmentalized.”  It is tricky to say and read, and if that is indeed the effect you wish to achieve, it doesn’t seem necessary in the scope of the poetry.  It is too scientific word for such a non-scientific poem.  Though it does fit with the idea of categorization, I think the word “box” alone on that line would have all of the meaning required as well as a definite sense of the isolation of being in the “box.”  

-perhaps toss out the second stanza.  Honestly, when I reached the end of the first, I thought I had finished the poem.  Not to say that the last stanza is bad, but the flavor of it is a large switch from the general flavor preceding.  Perhaps if it was revised it could assume a better place, but it doesn’t do justice as it is currently.  

–Finally, just for kicks, why not try taking the personal pronouns out.  Now, it would require a bit of rewriting, but it would lean toward the feeling of actually being put into the box.  Kind of interesting, I think.

Thank you.  It was a great read, and I will look for more.

-That skull had a tongue

hush
Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653
Ohio, USA
2 posted 2002-12-11 09:38 AM


I like 'compartmentalized'.

'most went into two
and three compartments,
when others were easily
slipped into one...'

I think this would flow much better if you switched it to 'compartments two and three'- the inversion here is tough.

I like how you start with two and three and go back to one.

'those were either the best
or the worst of emotions
that particular memory
would always elicit.'

I wonder here if 'memory' should be plural?

I like the second stanza, I think it gives a sense of finality-

'The grieving ended when
he put the lid on the box,'

offers a lot of insight- I'm now picturing a coffin.... very subtle imagery leading up to that.. lid on the box, it is there (at the cemetary) if he needs it...

Viewing it with this duality, it's really a neat poem. Hope I've helped.

Not A Poet
Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885
Oklahoma, USA
3 posted 2002-12-11 10:06 AM


Kris,

I too would keep the second stanza. I do see that the first could be a poem in inself but the second seems to sum it all up. I guess Hush already said that.

The only suggestion I have is it seems a little too wordy. Maybe some of the articles could be taken out with just a little reworking. I think that would give it more impact.

Welcome back. This is a good reentry effort.

Thanks,
Pete

warmhrt
Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563

4 posted 2002-12-11 10:32 PM


To all who replied,

I thank you very much for your effort...the time you took in reading and in commenting. I'm sure I can use a few of the suggestions to make this a better poem. I sincerely appreciate it.

Kris

"It is wisdom to know others;
It is enlightenment to know one's self" - Lao Tzu

Tansen
Junior Member
since 2002-12-14
Posts 11

5 posted 2002-12-14 09:52 AM


Dear Warmhrt,

NOW i know why your comments are so interesting.  I am new, actually joined in today.  I just read your comment on Rainbowdust's poem and was wondering.  As i said, being a non-techie on poetry, i find it a pleasure to read poems that are different - like yours.  Your poem quiet accurately describes what we do with a loved one's memory, and it is lovely to read when someone puts it this way.  A great poem.  

Kielo
Senior Member
since 2002-02-11
Posts 1109

6 posted 2002-12-16 02:10 PM




Keep the second stanza. It's important to me. I'm glad I saw this. Thank you.

Kielo

I know only one thing, and that thing is that I know nothing.

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