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PoeticJustice
Junior Member

since 2002-11-29

Posts 44
AK, USA

0 posted 2002-12-05 02:34 AM

Yeah, I'm timid...

Watch and Wait

I’m waiting.
Waiting to watch you.
Observing from afar,
You, the brightest star.
Everything you do,
Is perfect in my eyes.

You are beautiful,
inside and out.
The most radiant being to grace the Earth,
Without a doubt.

The prospect of you being mine,
Sends shivers down my spine.
If I could be with you
All my dreams would be true.
Forever in ecstasy,
Forever in matrimony.
You were meant for me,
And I for you.

We both know it in our hearts,
And that is a start.
But for now all I can do
is watch and wait...

hush
Senior Member

since 2001-05-27

Posts 1653
Ohio, USA

1 posted 2002-12-05 01:15 PM

I think you have a few problems here.

First off, there are a lot of cliches in this. Things like 'brightest star, beautiful inside and out, shivers down my spine, we know it in our hearts...' are all things that have been said way too much in other poems. The way I look at it, if you are writing a love poem, and it sounds like every other love poem, it's really not all that special. This, of course, is poetically speaking- I'm not saying that it isn't special to you, or to the person it's to, but, poems like yours are a little too similar to Hallmark cards- they try to appeal to everyone. They're like diamond rings- everyone has one. Why would I feel speciqal if my boyfriend gets me something that everyone else already has? It's kind of like saying "Hey, baby, you're like any other girl I would give the gift of my love to!"

I guess the way I see it, your poem is too general. You call her beautiful, but you don't say what's beautiful about her. You put her on a pedestal, but we don't know why- and if the girl this is written for rejected it as a declaration of love, it's generic enough to be presented to girl #2 without her batting an eye. It tries to appeal to everyone.

I think to give this more impact, you need to tell the reader (be it us in a forum, or this great girl) why and how... you should show, not tell.

I don't mean to sound too harsh in my analogy, but it's the best way I can think of to explain my point. I'm in a minority- most girls like diamonds, after all... and most people like to read poetry that doesn't get specific or make them think more in-depth about what the poem is trying to say. My point is that depth is important in any poem, that innovation and originality count just as much as the feelings behind the words.

Hope I've helped, welcome to the CA forum.

lauraheller
New Member

since 2002-12-03

Posts 7
Mississippi, USA

2 posted 2002-12-05 02:14 PM

Hush is definitely right in her advice. Using cliches sometimes says what you want to say, but really they are not unique enough nor specific enough. Come up with your own ideas: metaphors and similes.

Give us some physical description of this beautiful girl, and why she is beautiful to you. If she reads this poem with those specifics in it, she'll appreciate and treasure it all the more because it is about HER not just any pretty girl.

Also, there's some rhyme and then there's not some rhyme. I usually prefer poems to be either free verse (which doesn't use rhyme) or in some form (like sonnets and villanelles). So maybe what would work well for you is to also make the poem fit into a sonnet. But thats my opinion, not exactly advice.

And why and how is she meant for you and you for her? And why do you two have to watch and wait? Tell the reader more about you and her specifically! Why is your romance so much more special and deserving of a poem than others?

Hope this helps!

PoeticJustice
Junior Member

since 2002-11-29

Posts 44
AK, USA

3 posted 2002-12-05 07:27 PM

I know it's not one of my best works... But I posted my best ones on all the other forums :p

The reasons I don't elaborate is because whenever I do it turns into the same thing as my other poems... And I don't read a lot of poetry so I don't know what's cliche and what's not.

And as for free verse poems... Ugh. I hate free verse. It doesn't flow right in my mind, I feel compelled to make a rhyme here and there.

And again, the reason I have to watch and wait is in another poem I wrote a long time ago... Saying it again is redundant to me. I guess it wouldn't be to you guys, but it'd bother me a lot.

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