»
Archives
»
Critical Analysis #2
»
motes
| Critical Analysis #2 |
|
motes |
|
|
hush Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653Ohio, USA |
I see little crystal fish in the ocean of your gaze flecks of sky between our eyes that dance and swim and skim the planes of understanding on the outskirts of our days, on little unmarked roads that extend like capillaries into the soft shoulder of the summer air, like your fingers shifting though a slip of my hair. They slide like oil through the currents of atmosphere, evasive soap slivers in a tub of tepid water I refuse to wet my hand. [This message has been edited by hush (12-03-2002 05:23 PM).] |
||
| © Copyright 2002 hush - All Rights Reserved | |||
|
just dreaming New Member
since 2002-12-03
Posts 8 |
hey, Great job...maybe at the very end of the forst paragraph you could substitue 'and' with a comma. The 'and' makes it seem like there sould be more to that line. just my thoughts Shannon |
||
|
lauraheller New Member
since 2002-12-03
Posts 7Mississippi, USA |
actually, I like the "and" where it is, cause the stanza break makes the reader pause, and so the "and" brings in a sense of "what's about to happen here?" Suspense of a kind. The only thing I can see needing changing, maybe, is the second "on" in the second stanza. Just while looking at the poem, those two "on"s in a row signal a red flag to me. Too repetitive without meaning to. I would try replacing the second "on" or cut it out and replace with punctuation of some kind. Whatever works best for you.  |
||
|
Miss Dilettante Junior Member
since 2002-11-20
Posts 10Journeying |
Hush I like the way you work around a central idea of a relationship which doesn’t quite gel, and where the speaker is apparent unable or unwilling to make the effort to make it do so. I’m slightly unclear as to whether this is a fault on one side i.e the second person, or whether it is 50/50. But the language: “shifting” “slide” “evasive” “refuse”, together with the fact that the title and subject matter reminds me of the biblical “Thou hypocrite, first cast out the beam out of thine own eye; and then shalt thou see clearly to cast out the mote out of thy brother's eye”, inclines me towards the former view. If I have one major concern it is that I’m unsure whether the forthright change of tone in the last line works, or whether it is even necessary. I see little crystal fish in the ocean of your gaze flecks of sky between our eyes that dance and swim and skim the planes of understanding on the outskirts of our days, on little unmarked roads that extend like capillaries into the soft shoulder of the summer air, I can live with the idea of using the sea - sky - land metaphors in quick succession in these stanzas, the language is clever and smooth to read. Not entirely sure about the line ending “and”, I’d be interested to know why you did that. I pause naturally after “gaze” and wonder about a comma or period even. The last four lines of S2 are in my opinion the strongest in the poem - picking up on the eye imagery again and ending in the absolutely beautiful “soft shoulder of the summer air”. Stunning phrase! like your fingers shifting though a slip of my hair. They slide like oil through the currents of atmosphere, After S2 this is a little disappointing and also by now I’m losing the connectivity slightly. What is “like your fingers”? Are we throwing back to the capillaries or the flecks of sky or the crystal fish or all these? Or is this just an oblique reference to the slipperiness of understanding? Perhaps the quick succession of simile and metaphor was entirely intentional, in fact I’m sure it was, but in the process of creating something beautiful to read you have me losing rather more comprehension than I’m comfortable with. evasive soap slivers in a tub of tepid water Nice sounds again. And the image fits very well with the idea of a failure of communication in a waning and “tepid” relationship. I refuse to wet my hand. Like I say, I am not sure that I want to be told this quite so overtly. In a sense the poem has already said it. Thanks for a good read .D [This message has been edited by Miss Dilettante (12-04-2002 12:22 PM).] |
||
|
Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Hi Hush, You had me completely confused with this one. Of course, that's no all that hard to do though. Then I read Miss D's analysis and it shed some light. With that though, all I could do now would be critique her critique, which I thought was outstanding, BTW. There is no point in doing that but I can add just a couple of comments on bits of the poem or how I felt about them. First, crystal fish was just too much of a stretch for me and I, like others, don't understand why you ended the first stanza with and. Or maybe there should not be a stanza break there? I liked the second stanza very much although the imagery was again a bit of a stretch. Third stanza, I absolutely loved the first two lines but I can't relate them to oil sliding through currents or air. I see what you intended but it just doesn't work for me. I'm still working on the rest. At first I thought it all wrong. Then I read Miss D's critique and began to understand it better. I have to say now that it does seem to fit and I even like it. But that may be the outside influence of her comments. Anyway, I'm still considering it, for what that's worth. Thanks, Pete |
||
|
hush Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653Ohio, USA |
S1 ending with and was kind of an enjambment onto s2, but I could probably just omit the line break there. Okay, this was something a little lighter for me- my subject was simply those little clearish 'things' (motes?) that you see, most markedly if you are staring at something blank or plain. My constant similies/metaphors are trying to describe them- they aren't an easily describale thing. 'I refuse to wet my hand' -the idea is I refuse to go chasing after these little distractions- basically, this poem is an indulgence in that tendency, but what I was trying to say is that there's all these little tiny things that can come between two people, but one can also refuse to let that happen. I'm short on time, be back later with a more thorough response to crits. Thanks. |
||
|
hush Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653Ohio, USA |
Okay, here is my more thorough explanation of this: Like I said, my images were all meant to convey the idea of these little intagible clearish 'floaties' we see in out eyes, which (i believe?) are caused by dust on the surface of our eyes... 'little crystal fish, flecks of sky, dance and swim, They slide like oil through the currents of atmosphere, evasive soap slivers' Can you see how this is where I'm going with all these images? Here's the basic rundown: Stanza 1: Straight up imagery. Stanza 2: This is what all those little motes are doing- they're there, existing 'on the outskirts of our days' 'on the outskirts of our days, on little unmarked roads' Here, the outskirts of the days and little unmarked roads are supposed to essentially be the same thing- How many times have you founf yourself toodling around out in the middle of somehwere, kind of knowing how to get back to town, fighting to keep you car in the middle of narrow, unmarked roads? I was trying to show how remote these 'motes' are until we actually look at them. 'that extend like capillaries into the soft shoulder of the summer air,' This image was meant to modify the outskirts/unmarked roads- meaning, the roads extend like capillaries- the soft shoulder bit was just be adding some flair, a little setting (it's summer), and the soft shoulder, I think brings to mind kind of countryish roads, without a finished shoulder or breakdown lane... 'like your fingers shifting though a slip of my hair.' I'm still going on about how the roads extend, but trying to show why it's important. The little places where these motes exists are also the little places where little things that make us feel loved exist. 'They slide like oil through the currents of atmosphere,' They are motes again. Maybe I could clarify all this by fooling around with some stanza breaks? 'evasive soap slivers in a tub of tepid water' They are intangible distractions... 'I refuse to wet my hand.' And furthermore, I am not going on a wild goose chase, paying attention to things I can't grasp or change. Okay, does this do anything for anybody? I see little crystal fish in the ocean of your gaze flecks of sky between our eyes that dance and swim and skim the planes of understanding on the outskirts of our days, on little unmarked roads that extend like capillaries into the soft shoulder of the summer air, like your fingers shifting though a slip of my hair. They slide like oil through the currents of atmosphere, evasive soap slivers in a tub of tepid water I refuse to wet my hand. but then what kind of scale |
||
|
Christopher
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-08-02
Posts 8296Purgatorial Incarceration |
I haven't read the replies in here yet and am not in the mood for a critique (for some reason haven't been lately), but wanted to say that I really liked the way this poem played out. What I appreciated the most was how the final line made me step back and say "wait a minute - I wasn't expecting that!" I liked that - to be able to surprise someone after only a few words is impressive. |
||
|
Miss Dilettante Junior Member
since 2002-11-20
Posts 10Journeying |
Hush Thanks for the run down. The mote theme wasn't a problem for me, in the sense that it's pretty obvious all the way through. Seeing beyond that to the point of it is the more interesting part. If it helps, I think it was the use of the word "your" so early in the poem in the second line which had me thinking in terms of the importance of another individual in this poem. D |
||
|
warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
hush, I find this quite an outstanding little piece of work. It has been critiqued to death, so I won't bother with any of that. I enjoyed the just below surface complexity of it all. Kris "It is wisdom to know others; |
||
|
That skull had a tongue New Member
since 2002-12-10
Posts 4 |
Hush, great poem. I’m not going to go into it really. Just want to make a few comments. -I really enjoy the subject matter. However, as Miss. D. expressed her confusion that emerged around the use of “your,” I admit that I feel the exact same way. I will go one step further and pose an alternative. Perhaps “a gaze” in the second line and getting rid of the “our’s” altogether. There really aren’t two of you there, and stating so is absurd to be blunt. -The lines 'like your fingers shifting / though a slip of my hair' were a marvelous image of the motes traveling through the hair hanging over my eyes until I read your explanation: ‘The little places where these motes exists are also the little places where little things that make us feel loved exist.’ I think that is absolutely terrible, no offense. I know you don’t really think that. I suggest retracting that explanation and admitting that you were just being silly. All in all, a great poem with GREAT subject matter. No offense intended by my pointers if they caused any. Look forward to browsing your catalog. -That skull had a tongue |
||
|
hush Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653Ohio, USA |
Everyone, thanks again for comments. skull: 'There really aren’t two of you there, and stating so is absurd to be blunt.' Yes there are. That's the point. 'flecks of sky between our eyes' There are two people here... the point was that there are all these tiny little things between them. 'I'm still going on about how the roads extend, but trying to show why it's important. The little places where these motes exists are also the little places where little things that make us feel loved exist.' Maybe I can clarify this? I admit the sentence you questioned is pretty wishy-washy, let me try this again. Making parallels between motes and little country roads is showing how remote they are until we actually pay attention. Saying that the roads/outskirts extend like capillaries is to give an image of branching out- this is where those little distractions exist. ''like your fingers shifting though a slip of my hair.' I'm still going on about how the roads extend, but trying to show why it's important.' Likening a man's hand running through my hair to extending like unmarked roads, like capillaries- this is just another extension, or outskirt, of 'our days'- another little thing. I admit that that whole rundown is loaded... and kind of hard to follow. It's something I'd like to work on... Thanks for your comments, and no, you did not offend. |
||
|
|
⇧ top of page ⇧ |
|
| All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format. | ||
