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Uptown Coffee Girls
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Uptown Coffee Girls |
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lauraheller New Member
since 2002-12-03
Posts 7Mississippi, USA |
Revision: Three studious girls, early to mid-twenties, sit zig-zagging at tables facing a wall mural of coffee cups. They interact with each other, and not. Their guise of goals do not meet Southern Deb culture. One of them, a lawyer-to-be, doesn't connect to whom she speaks. She reads, lips opening articulate and hair tucked behind ears. Her eyes are quick, sharp glances over the paper rustling in her hands. Three women in their thirties gather around a table near me, sipping capuccino, expresso, latte. Discussion ensues; they ask me "Why is everyone studying?" My wit says, "College town," but mutter, "Reports due next week." These trendy women seem like college sorority girls; maybe fashion models who didn't make call-back. Reading Duhamel's lines, fetal- style in a cushioned chair, I wonder: Are people critiquing me? Original: Lawyer girl doesn't look at eyes she speaks to. She reads, lips opening articulate and hair tucked behind ears. Her eyes are quick, sharp glances over the paper rustling in her hands. Lawyer girl, not quite feminist. She drops her things when a man strolls up, leans over, kisses her full on the lips. Legal terms disappear. Where is her feminist gut? Three studious girls, early to mid-twenties, sit zig-zagging at tables facing a wall mural of coffee cups. They interact with each other, and not. Their guise of goals do not meet Southern Deb culture. Three women in early thirties gather around a table near me, sipping cappicino, expresso, latte. Discussion ensues; they ask me "why is everyone studying?" My gut says, "College town," but I say, "Reports due next week." These women look like college girls, except older, and missing feminist ideals they probably possessed ten years ago. Fashion models who didn't make call-back. Rading Duhamel's lines, fetal- style in a cushioned chair, wonder: In the South can a woman be a feminist or does she only pretend to be one for a short while, until the fad fades? Laura Anne Heller [This message has been edited by lauraheller (12-04-2002 08:06 PM).] |
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| © Copyright 2002 Laura Anne Heller - All Rights Reserved | |||
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hush Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653Ohio, USA |
I went through a period of time when I was reading feminist literature, about ready to jump on the don't-call-me-a-chick-change-the-spelling-to-"womyn" bandwagon, when I realized that, hey, you know what? I don't feel any personal need for the label and the stigma. If I see something that strikes me as unjust, in any case, I will make a stand against it. Feminist culture makes an enemy of men, something I slowly realized as I read more and more. While men often make a victim of women, it basically boils down to whether you're going to take the Martin Luther King Jr. approach or the Malcom X approach. I find peaceful amiability universally preferable. Do I consider myself a feminist? yes, in the same sense that I consider every woman, and every man who believes in a woman's claim to equality, feminist in thought, if not actively, in title. Here is where I get to your poem- you seem to be placing so much emphasis on the title. Anyone can be a feminist- and I think quite a few people are who don't realize it. Your poem seems to criticize feminists who aren't Femiists- if they aren't actively carrying a big banner that say's "WOMEN'S RIGHTS" well, then, they aren't real feminists. Well, how does the lawyer cease being a feminist by kissing a man? Did I miss the rule that said feminists have to be lesbians, or perhaps entirely asexual? I mean, since when are feminists required to delegate their affections solely to their jobs? And by precisely what standard are you judging that the 'studious girls' and the wanna-be 'fashion models' aren't feminists? Have you ever heard ever Waris Dirie? Go read her memoirs, and ask yourself if a woman can be a fashion model and a feminist (an active, political feminist) at the same time. If anything, it seems to me, based on the tone of your poem, that you are trying to show how much of a feminist you are by judging those who you perceive to be less feminist. It seems as though you are trying to be the fad you denounce. technically, your writing is pretty good, but I think a little more maturity in topic presentation would help. Like I said, I've been in the same position, in my way of thinking. My suggestion is to get over the cultural icon of what a feminist is, and write about what feminism is to you. Rather than writing a poem about who isn't a feminist, write a poem about who is, and why. Or write a poem about your experience as a woman, in specific terms of your gender. I mean, after all, I might no longer be on the verge of espousing 'vagina' as a proper term for my genitalia because some pushy radical man-hater (I'm not just tossing terms around here...) influenced the way I was thinking, but I do still like my Ani DiFranco. There's a difference between pushing beliefs, and sharing them. I'm not trying to be overly judgemental ,and I realize this is your first post here. Don't let this scare you off- I'm just trying to offer my honest reaction to your poem, the tone in which it was written, and what I interpret it to mean. Hope I've helped. |
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just dreaming New Member
since 2002-12-03
Posts 8 |
great job, i wouldn't change it! Shannon |
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lauraheller New Member
since 2002-12-03
Posts 7Mississippi, USA |
I made a few revisions, turned things around a bit, and cut out the whole feminist bit. I am not a political minded person, so for a first scribble of poem I often include other bits of my thoughts which probably don't need to be in this one, but in another poem... Maybe this one will come across more as "people watching" poem, but maybe some ideas too. I'm not sure. Laura Anne Heller |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Hi Laura, And welcome to CA. I found this to be an interesting "people watching" experience. I suppose it does have a bit of "feminist extremism" but I didn't find it as much so as Hush did. My main complaint, if that is the proper word, is that it just seems too wordy. I think you can present the same snippets in far fewer words and increase the interest level tremendously. JMHO, Pete |
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hush Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653Ohio, USA |
Hey laura, just kind of an FYI, when working on progressive versions of a poem, it's often best to leave the original version, and post revisions later on down the thread, to avoid confusion... for example, Pete might have been better able to critique your poem had he had the original to compare it with. I'll be back later with comments on the revision. |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
I loved this. I don't often pop in here--but I loved the detached observation in this--I am an avid people watcher myself. The feminist issue is interesting, but perhaps only hinted at,this would contrast nicely with an opposite image, I think. I thought it quite wonderful as is, but I also see an opportunity for some wonderful social commentary via comparison contrast. I'm keeping this one in my library if ya don't mind. It's another fine example of the direction I'd like to take my own "stuff". |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
Oh...and yes, I too would love to compare the original to this version. (when will I learn to save, save, save???) sigh. The second version felt a bit "gutted" to me. But can't make a fair comparison without re-reading the first.  |
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hush Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653Ohio, USA |
I like your revision better than the original, simply because it's more observatory than accusatory. The judgements are still there, though. 'Three studious girls, early to mid-twenties, sit zig-zagging at tables facing a wall mural of coffee cups.' I like this, because, in my opinion, coffee cups are a really stupid stupid thing to have a mural of. I think it cleverly points out the self-importance of coffee-house culture, and its place as a contemporary pop art, the current avant-garde liberal ultra-cool. I like my coffee, my tea, and from time to time, my poetry readings but there's a pervasive arrogance to that atmosphere that just bugs me. I think you hit it spot-on here. 'They interact with each other, and not. Their guise of goals do not meet Southern Deb culture.' I wonder here what their goals are, and how they fail to live up to the culture? I'm also not sure what you mean by 'Southern Deb' here, but that might be a regional thing- we don't get a whole lot of any culture here in the MidWest.  In any case, I feel like maybe this could be expanded a little bit. As it stands, it's a bit of a fill-in-the-blank. 'One, a lawyer girl,' One of the girls in the previous stanza? Is she acually a lawyer, or a law student? Or a lawyer going for more credentials? 'One, a lawyer girl, doesn't look at eyes she speaks to.' Does she speak to eyes or people? 'She reads, lips opening articulate and hair tucked behind ears. Her eyes are quick, sharp glances over the paper rustling in her hands.' I really like the imagery, the picture you have painted here. My mind's eye sees a younger version of Michelle Pfeiffer's character from 'I Am Sam.' 'Three women in early thirties' In 'their' early thirties, perhaps? 'gather around a table near me, sipping cappicino, expresso, latte.' It's 'capuccino.' 'Discussion ensues; they ask me "why are everyone studying?"' Why 'is' everyone studying? 'My gut says, "College town," but I say, "Reports due next week."' I think you could sharpen this- maybe something like your wit says, instead of gut (too strong, I think it's out of place in the situation) and maybe replace one of the 'says' with something ike retort... 'These women look like college girls, except older; maybe fashion models who didn't make call-back.' I still don't see why the fashion model bit is necessary- if they look like college girls, but older, why not have them fail at something a little more collegiate than modelling? I guess I don't see why the speaker assumes that they've failed at something either, or why they couldn't be going back to school, themselves? 'Reading Duhamel's lines, fetal- style in a cushioned chair, I wonder: Are people critiquing me?' It seems appropriate that they would, judging by the style of your commentary. I guess my problem ith this is that- what's the point? I mean, yeah, okay, you're pointing out all these negative, or seemingly false aspects of people without exploring the possibility that they ahve an earnest, good, possibly deeper-thinking side. You've also failed to give us that in the speaker, who I see as very childish. Your speaker sits there, supposedly reading, although it seems to be she's doing a lot more nit-picking of others, and the only justification offered for this dissection of others is the speaker's shallow selfishness in wondering whether people are thinking things about her as well. I think you could ahve something here, you are talented, but you have to give us a reason to grasp on to your poem. Yeah, picking on the flaws of a certain culture can be fun, and I do think that you have some points- no, just because people are drinking coffee and reading poetry doesn't make them ultra-deep or any different than those who are busy cruising the malls. But I already knew that. Tell me something new, or present it in a new way, or at least give me a solid reason to think this is important other than that the speaker is wondering if she's being judged in the same way that she judges others. Hope I've helped. |
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lauraheller New Member
since 2002-12-03
Posts 7Mississippi, USA |
thank you all so much. Hush - I like your advice and your bluntness, and it has helped a lot. I have included the revision and original now at the top and I will try to remember to do that from now on. I am going to wait a while on the "southern deb" part cause its something I want to include, but I haven't quite figured out how. I will have to work on that again later. I think I might have been aiming at the feeling of: don't critique others so harshly because they are most likely critiquing you just as bad. But maybe it does need something more. I have better poems than this, so I will try to post one of them soon... have to check again how often I can post a new one here. |
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hush Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653Ohio, USA |
There's no real time limit or anything... just don't post like 8 poems at one and expect people to read as you flood a forum.... I'm interested to read what else you have written. I do think you have a real talent for the actual writing, I just think that I have a bit of a problem with the message, or at least the way the message plays out in this. I understand that this can stand as a warning against critiqueing other people, I guess I just think it needs something more... |
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