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Avis
Junior Member

since 2002-12-01

Posts 38
Raleigh, NC, USA

0 posted 2002-12-02 05:57 PM

The path ahead, foggy.
The lights are very low.
Are you my friend?
Or are you my foe?

I wish there was something;
Something to guide
I wish there was somone
In whom I can confide.

Learning the hard way
Makes too much pain.
Just skip that torrent
Of harsh, stinging rain.

Thunder reminds us
Of that which will be,
Of that which is hanging,
And that which we now see.

Skip over the lightning.
Though you see all 'round,
You can see the damage,
Cluttering the ground.

There must be a way
To know how to be,
Without pain for others;
Without pain for me.

Written: 10/29/02
Dedication: Those turbulent seas that we call relationships.

Peace and Love,
~KEV~

"An eye for an eye only leads to more blindness."
~Margaret Atwood

hush
Senior Member

since 2001-05-27

Posts 1653
Ohio, USA

1 posted 2002-12-02 07:05 PM

Hi Kevin.

Let me start off by saying that for a 16-year-old, you are very talented. Not that I've made it out of that teen decade yet, but a couple years and a lot of experience has taken me quite a ways from my 16-year-old attempts, which weren't quite up to par with yours.

Now, on the poem:

'The path ahead, foggy.
The lights are very low.
Are you my friend?
Or are you my foe?'

Here you venture into some wordiness that you avoided with the other poem of yours that I read. Rhyme is to blame. Couldn't this be said in fewer words, just as effectively?

'The path ahead, foggy.
The lights are very low.
Are you my friend or my foe?'

It's all too easy to lost the reader when you start adding unecessary length to a poem. Fulfilling a rhyme scheme may seem acceptable, and it is- when you can manage to say something important in every line. It's hard. I can't do it- I encourage you to work on it, if that's the way you truly like to write, but it's also a good idea to explor other options. I mean, looking at the three-line stanza I made out of yours by just deleting a few words- you still have a potential rhyme scheme.

'I wish there was something;
Something to guide
I wish there was somone
In whom I can confide.'

Same thing here. Look how it can be shortened:

'I wish there was something to guide
I wish there was somone
In whom to confide.'

Same message, but less time to lose the reader. Translation: More impact. It hits me harder this way, makes it harder to look away from the poem.

'Learning the hard way
Makes too much pain.
Just skip that torrent
Of harsh, stinging rain.'

Now, in this stanza, I think that four lines are appropriate. Each line has something specific to say.

'Thunder reminds us
Of that which will be,
Of that which is hanging,
And that which we now see.'

I like where you're going with this. I'm not sure, but I think you could probably replace 'that which' with 'what'- if you wanted to cut down on verbosity, or wordiness. I don't necessarily think it's as necessary here- 'that which' doesn't detract from your message in this case, but it's something to think about.

'Skip over the lightning.
Though you see all 'round,
You can see the damage,
Cluttering the ground.'

This is kind of wordy. try something like:

'Skip over the lightning.
Though you see all 'round,
the damage cluttering the ground.'

'There must be a way
To know how to be,
Without pain for others;
Without pain for me.'

Eh... this ending is too weak! C'mon, you did really well with the weather/storm theme, tie that in here at the end. There must be a way to avoid the storms, to smile in the aftermath of fallen trees, etc., something like that. I think that, overall, this is fairly strong, but you fall off on the ending. It's too cliche- you're not telling me anything interesting or compelling about this pain, other than the fact that it's universal- and hey, everybody already knows that, right?

Tell us how this relate to the body of your poem, and I think you'll have something much more solid.

I enjoyed the read, hope I've helped.

Avis
Junior Member

since 2002-12-01

Posts 38
Raleigh, NC, USA

2 posted 2002-12-02 07:53 PM

Thank you. You are one awesome critic. I think that you helped allot actually. All that about the shortening...I never thought about that before, and I'm gonna give that a shot next time. Although, when I wrote the last stanza, I noticed that it didn't follow that common theme. I think that what I did is in seeing the finish line, I made a mad dash for it, any means necessary. Silly me!

Peace and Love,
~KEV~

"An eye for an eye only leads to more blindness."
~Margaret Atwood

just dreaming
New Member

since 2002-12-03

Posts 8

3 posted 2002-12-03 12:14 PM

i like this, But i do think that shortning it would help a bit. Not that i can say much

anyway great job!
Shannon

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