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andromeda
New Member

since 2002-12-02

Posts 5
paris, france

0 posted 2002-12-02 07:05 AM

My love, my shining star
Twinkling from afar,
In ocean’s sphere,
Lights-time from here.

Oh, delightful luster of mine,
Prodigiously divine.

Untouchably away,
I pray and I sway
In solace of your sight
On each dispiteous night,

For all the grains there are
On night’s celestial shore
You’re the one, it seems.
Who may fulfill my dreams.

01.12.2002

i've never showed anything to anyone and I know my poem doesn't measure up to any of the others here, thus, i would not dare to post it, but I want to learn, and it's this curiosity that makes me brave...

please forgive my youthful exuberance.

Not A Poet
Member Elite

since 1999-11-03

Posts 3885
Oklahoma, USA

1 posted 2002-12-02 10:43 AM

Hi Ms Bui,

And welcome to the CA forum. I notice your location is Paris. Is English a second language? If so then you have done a really good job. If not then you still have a good start here.

You started off by setting yourself a fairly difficult goal. Rhyming couplets tend to be easier when dealing with a lighter subject. Of course there is no hard rule on this but one has to work a little harder to make the style properly fit a more serious subject.

A second point is the meter. Rhyming poetry generally works better with a fairly consistent meter. Again, this is not a requirement but it just makes the task easier.

One final point, you start right off with what seems a cliche to me in those first two lines. There are also some others which seem cliche. Part of this may be that you have forced a couple of rhymes.

Like I said, this is a good start, especially if not your native language. You should get some more advice soon, most of it probably better than mine. Oh, this is all just one opinion.

I hope to see more of your work, possibly an enhancement of this one even. Check your email for a welcoming message.

Pete

Avis
Junior Member

since 2002-12-01

Posts 38
Raleigh, NC, USA

2 posted 2002-12-02 05:07 PM

I usually steer clear of the couplet rhyme scheme because of its forced rhyming. I enjoy a more lenient format myself. It seems to me that when being forced to rhyme, you lose the desired meaning of the line. I did enjoy the poem though. Keep it up!

Peace and Love,
~KEV~

"An eye for an eye only leads to more blindness."
~Margaret Atwood

andromeda
New Member

since 2002-12-02

Posts 5
paris, france

3 posted 2002-12-02 06:50 PM

Thanks guys for your critics! I really appreciate it. You are right in all points.
I should try some other rhyming format, but it takes courage.

You are also right about the clichés; the poem is kinda drippy.

And you guessed right, English is a foreign language to me, my 3rd.

hush
Senior Member

since 2001-05-27

Posts 1653
Ohio, USA

4 posted 2002-12-02 07:31 PM

My impression of Europe, when I went, is that everyone spoke, like 6 languages because you guys are all in such close proximity to each other. That, I think, is cool.

Great job for writing in a foreign language.

'My love, my shining star
Twinkling from afar,'

This is something that is used all the time- really cliche. The best thing to do is to focus in on exactly what you mean, and write more specifically.

'In ocean’s sphere,
Lights-time from here.'

I like the image- I would add an article, like 'the' before 'ocean's'- and it seems to me that it would be 'Light's-time', or just 'Light-time,' the former being a possesive, and the latter just using the noun 'light' as an adjective. Either one sounds good to me.

'Oh, delightful luster of mine,
Prodigiously divine.'

This works if your poem is a prayer, But as is, it seems more like a romance poem- I think you crossa line when treating lovers as gods- culturally, e might be having a bit of a clash, but putting someone up on that high of a pedastal dooms them to fall- and, in more poetic terms, I lose faith in the narrator, because hey, I don't believe you when you call him divine.

'Untouchably away,
I pray and I sway'

Swaying doesn't seem like a realistic action here to me.

'In solace of your sight
On each dispiteous night,'

I like these lines.

'For all the grains there are
On night’s celestial shore'

This is also a very pretty image.

'You’re the one, it seems.
Who may fulfill my dreams.'

Eh.. it's that cliche thing again. I'd try something different than this.

I do think rhyming couplets are fun when you work hard to avoid cliche simple rhymes that go into greeting cards. I don't necessarily think that they have to be evenly metered, but that's a matter of opinion. I think things like couplets are a lot neater when they don't fall into a sing-song rhythm, which happens with even meter.

Anyway, I think you have a lot of potential here, especially as you learn more of the language. good luck, hope I've helped.

Essorant
Member Elite

since 2002-08-10

Posts 4769
Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada

5 posted 2002-12-03 02:00 AM

Andromeda,

I enjoyed the sentiment of your poem. I think that your rhymework flows very nicely.
The only thing that felt a bit awkward to me was "dispiteous" that didn't seem to fit in with "solace"...but I might be perceiving it wrongly.
Thank you for a nice read.

Essorant.

[This message has been edited by Essorant (12-03-2002 02:01 AM).]

Not A Poet
Member Elite

since 1999-11-03

Posts 3885
Oklahoma, USA

6 posted 2002-12-03 10:05 AM

OMG, 3rd language? My

to you and anyone who is brave enough and talented enough to write poetry in more than one language. I haven't quite managed it in one language yet.

Pete

Never express yourself more clearly than you can think - Niels Bohr

andromeda
New Member

since 2002-12-02

Posts 5
paris, france

7 posted 2002-12-03 05:10 PM

Thanks for the encouraging words, they are more than this little 14-liner really deserves.

Especially you, hush, for the long post and the concrete suggestion of how to avoid cliche.

What's wrong with swaying in solace?

btw, do you watch star trek? the pedestal image was mentioned there once. is it really such a faut pas to heave a person all the way up? Even Pete, not a poet, was inspired by a mortal goddess once ("moments with you")...

he just expressed it much better.

essorant: i thought dispiteous it should be in order to find solace. the solace of a light in dispiteous darkness. does that make any sense?

Essorant
Member Elite

since 2002-08-10

Posts 4769
Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada

8 posted 2002-12-03 05:32 PM

Andromeda.

It does indeed now...thank you.
I was going to try to sign up to the name "Perseus" to surprise you but I thought someone else probably would have taken it. Now I'm glad for sure I didn't because if I had made that comment as Perseus it would have been even more dissapointing not to have been able to be a better commentor and critique.

Hope to read more of you soon.

Take care,
Essorant.

[This message has been edited by Essorant (12-03-2002 05:35 PM).]

Essorant
Member Elite

since 2002-08-10

Posts 4769
Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada

9 posted 2002-12-07 10:44 PM

Bump

Jennis#1
Member

since 2003-07-08

Posts 112
IL, Usa

10 posted 2003-07-11 09:55 PM

Super poem. It is very soul caperting.
Keep on writting.

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