Changing Tastes - pipTalk Forums

How to Join	Member's Area	Private Library	Search	Sanctuary		Login
Main Forums	Discussion	Tech Talk	Mature Content	Archives	A home without a wall, Our haven without ends, A circle we all call Our Family of Friends!

Avis
Junior Member

since 2002-12-01

Posts 38
Raleigh, NC, USA

0 posted 2002-12-01 02:41 AM

Sweeter is forbidden fruit
That's been tried before.
Now, I need it! I crave more.
I wait, quiet, at her root.

When may I take another bite?
Perhaps I never can.
T'would hurt the will of me, of man,
Yet that path could be right.

If my tree could sit nigh yours
In the autumn orchard,
Tainted tastes would not be tortured
As they were before.

I'd love a crit. but go easy on me. I'm just trying to learn as much as possible here. Thanks.

arthur
Senior Member

since 2001-08-14

Posts 678
england

1 posted 2002-12-01 05:52 AM

Welcome
Congratualtion on trying an unusual verse form
I do not think I am qualified to criticise this so i shall forbear
I enjoyed it though
Arthur

Not A Poet
Member Elite

since 1999-11-03

Posts 3885
Oklahoma, USA

2 posted 2002-12-01 02:28 PM

Hi Kevin,

Welcome to the CA forum. And don't worry, we always "go easy", especially on new members. Well, more or less easy anyway.

Check your email for a welcoming message too.

Pete

Never express yourself more clearly than you can think - Niels Bohr

Smoothy
Member

since 2002-12-02

Posts 119
The dark side of the moon

3 posted 2002-12-02 02:46 AM

Hey,
I'm new as well. You're the first person i'm critiquing so here it goes. I thought it was a very good piece, certainly better than any of mine. But then, I criticise my own poetry the most harshly. Keep up the good work.

hush
Senior Member

since 2001-05-27

Posts 1653
Ohio, USA

4 posted 2002-12-02 12:43 PM

'Sweeter is forbidden fruit
That's been tried before.'

Really good first lines. I like them quite a bit, and it puts a twist on the old 'forbidden fruit' idea.

'Now, I need it! I crave more.
I wait, quiet, at her root.'

I like the image here. I'm a little unsure about the way you're using rhyme. A lot of traditionalist writers are going to tell you that you need to even up your meter- that is, have the same amount of syllables, in a pattern of stresses, in each line. I don't think that's so important, but do listen to you ear when it comes to rhyme. Sometimes it takes over the poem.

'When may I take another bite?
Perhaps I never can.
T'would hurt the will of me, of man,
Yet that path could be right.'

Now, I'm not the biggest fan of 't'woulds' and such. I will say that it fits in this poem more than most others I've read in this forum that use it, but I'm still not too sure about it. I feel very strongly that modern writers should write in modern vernacular, leaving archaic wording to older poetry... now, I realize this isn't quite so old as thees and thous that some people throw in, and this is only my opinion, I'm sure others will disagree. otherwise, I like the stanza. You present a moral question pretty well within the constraints of the structure you have chosen.

'If my tree could sit nigh yours'

Same thing as before- I'd say near instead of nigh. Just a prefernce, I guess. Also, you change who you are adressing. Before, it was her. Now you're speaking directly to her. I think it would be best if you either changed this 'yours' to 'hers' (I wouldn't worry too much about the rhyme, Emily Dickinson used approximate rhymes all the time) or the previous her to your- which would be more appropriate considering rhyme. I think you should decide whether you want this to be speaking about her or to her, and adjust accordingly.

'In the autumn orchard,
Tainted tastes would not be tortured
As they were before.'

I like the image of autumn, it brings to mind a closure, and ending. I see this poem as being about an affair- forbidden fruits, tainted tastes (good alliteration, BTW).

Thinking along these lines, I guess I could interpret 'yours' in the last stanza as the speaker speaking to his original partner, about wanting to remain with her so that he is not tempted into cheating again. Or, it could be referring to the woman he cheated with, and loving her more, and wanting to be with her so there wouldn't be any torture, so that he could be in a proper relationship.

Interesting poem, I like it. Hope I've helped.

Avis
Junior Member

since 2002-12-01

Posts 38
Raleigh, NC, USA

5 posted 2002-12-02 04:26 PM

The truth be told, I had written "your root" instead of "her root" on my actual writing and when I typed it up, I slipped up. Thanks for the comments and I found it helpful. As a young poet (16 yrs old), I tend to follow traditional styles when the poem is in a romantic theme such as nature. I'll put more poems up here too.

	⇧ top of page ⇧
All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format.