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| Critical Analysis #2 |
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dream |
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rm711 Member
since 2002-11-30
Posts 131Wiltshire, England 
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withdrawn [This message has been edited by rm711 (12-01-2002 06:17 PM).] |
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| © Copyright 2002 Rosie Mitchell - All Rights Reserved | |||
Wind
since 2002-10-12
Posts 2981 |
First of all, I think that this poem would be better if you didn't refer directly to the person as "you" Quote: Suffocating gloom descends upon you Just as the dust seems to settle The bright fades to a glimmer: End Quote This is nice, but take out the "upon you" The dust settling and bright fading to a glimmer contrast a little to much. It is sort of like an oxi-moron. "And a burst of emotion passes through you soul You begin to fall into a pattern of thought" This seems too different from the other lines to be included in the same paragraph. It also seems a little foggy. I have trouble figuring out what you mean. "The sense finally made Of each beat of your heart And each word that had passed your lip Within the day that was" This just doesn't make sense to me. After passing hours You realise that you are in this strangely familiar place For a specific reason Each second must be left to recall To learn vital lessons To heal your own reality This one is a little better. However, you spelled realize wrong and that throws it off a little. The rhythm in your mind Created by your imagination The security you will feel Where you are safe Will never be exceeded by the fears you hold When you leave it As long as you reject them from the awakening world For you can only fear what you believe Once again, I liked this, but it made little sense to me. All the time you have to experience Hold true to yourself When you awake You may not totally re-gain this moment in memory But this is no reason not to make it happy As time can never repeat. This is good. I like this. I think that this is a good poem, and sounds nice, but was not a very sensical poem, and seems to be intended to be strait-forward, but it was not. I think that it still needs a ittle work. I do not mean to come off harsh, but that was just my own oppinyon. if you think that I was too harsh, please inform me, because I do not aim to offend. Never be normal! [This message has been edited by Wind (11-30-2002 06:46 PM).] |
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rm711 Member
since 2002-11-30
Posts 131Wiltshire, England |
I think u will find that I did spell Realise right thankyou very much! Thanks 4 takin the time out to say wot u thought tho, really appreciated. I guess really most of it may not make sense to anybody but me, but i guess thats just the way it is because ive never in my life re-drafted a poem & usually i only take about 10 mins writing them so im just lazy Also I only been writing for a couple months so I really avnt a clue, I just try n be expressive Thanks 4 ur time Rosie Mitchell |
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