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Critical Analysis #2
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anger
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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anger |
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lildevil Junior Member
since 2002-11-21
Posts 47missouri,usa |
Plans never committed to Breaking down life Bringing unforgivable blight. Rue building up In everyone’s mind Breaking down the walls Bringing out anger this time. It is all unknown Until force brings it out. Learn that you never forgive And there’s no Light at the end. Cause of promises broken this didnt do well on teen poetry #6 please be honest with what you think about it |
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| © Copyright 2002 tammy barlet - All Rights Reserved | |||
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neveah5 Member
since 2002-11-22
Posts 197Ohio |
I like this..but maybe if you reworded it a little..move the words around so it means the same but sounds different... just a thought |
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ShadowRider Senior Member
since 2001-07-14
Posts 1038USA |
LilDevil: I don’t think this is too bad at all. I think for a ‘power’ piece on a subject such as anger, tho, it needs to have more punch. I think the structure, rather than the wording needs to be redone perhaps to have the flow and effect desired. Be careful, however, in the use of the word ‘IT’, or sweeping generalizations such as ‘EVERYONE’S’. Avoid, too, the use of disjointed phrases. Far too many poets-to be use the technique of writing poetry that is a mere phrase dictionary type of poetry. Let me illustrate: Happiness A light in the soul Seeing the tunnel’s end The food that man must eat of daily to thrive A goal hardly achieved. Do you see how drab and dangerously simple this trap of listing simple descriptions of a feeling can be? Ask yourself each time: is there a better way of structuring the liturgy of emotive feelings without appearing to have a grocery list style? In this way, LilDevil, your last line seems to hang out to dry, primarily due to your selection of style. All in all, not a bad effort, but I think the lack of response in the Teen Poetry section was due to the lack of vigor that such an emotional topic should have. Hope this has been of some help. JkF [This message has been edited by ShadowRider (11-30-2002 11:49 AM).] |
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Epicrean Junior Member
since 2002-11-17
Posts 16 |
this poem came across simple and lost alot in the verbage. Sadly I am not sure how a re-write would effect this... Pack it with more visual emmotion and stonger ended and the base will just go with it! Epic |
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