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Critical Analysis #2
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Wire Walker
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Wire Walker |
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Joe Houck Member
since 2001-04-23
Posts 324california 
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Wire Walker You are walking on this wire, of social mind contention. Pacing back and forth, slipping constantly but never mention. You walk the line, that I define, and hope your karma holds you steady. I’ll be the doubt inside your head, that whispers your not ready. With eager eyes fixed on the prize, your much to ready willing. And ask yourself, if wire crossed, what hole you will be filling??..... And who am I? I’ll tell you who, I’m everyone that isn’t you. I’m the outside thoughts, that nail you to the common floor. I’m everyone’s opinions, clipping your wings, preventing you to soar. And I can stare you in the face, and let these truths be known. For the power of my judgment, makes you reap the views I’ve sown... |
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| © Copyright 2002 Joe B. Houck - All Rights Reserved | |||
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ShadowRider Senior Member
since 2001-07-14
Posts 1038USA |
This is a tough one to critique since you want rhyming verses, but don’t pay attention to syllabic count in it. For instance, for the 3rd line to rhyme with the fourth, it has 17 beats versus 15. A bugaboo of mine: literary work that uses ‘your’ when they meant to use ‘you’re’. ‘Your’ is possessive, meaning this is your object. You’re is a contraction for ‘You are’. To a polished writer, the mere incorrect use of Your and You’re will disqualify a poem from being taken too seriously. Also, avoid the use of dot-dot-dot unless absolutely necessary. It is an overused poetry device. Especially NEVER NEVER use two sets of punctuation one following the other like: what hole you will be filling??. . . . . . The double question marks are a hindrance to the poem as well. I’m the outside thought (singular), not plural. Same thing with: everyone’s opinions (should be made singular to agree with the mono-word: ‘The’. In line three, drop both commas in the line. They are both unnecessary and the first and second comma in that line are both grammatically incorrect. There should never be a comma prior to the word 'and.' The word AND indicates in itself that an adjoining phrase is coming. Don’t get me wrong: this is a poem with much potential and very decent wording and structure. But the grammatical errors detract from the professionalism. I think you show tremendous promise as a poet. *smile* JkF [This message has been edited by ShadowRider (11-30-2002 05:10 PM).] |
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Midnitesun
since 2001-05-18
Posts 28647Gaia |
"preventing you to soar." Perhaps should be "from soaring" Excellent thoughts in this. Shadowman offers good constructive criticism. Continue to color outside the lines. |
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Epicrean Junior Member
since 2002-11-17
Posts 16 |
Great poem, interesting ideas are woven in it and it really strikes a cord. I am not a fan of excessive punctuation in poetry, it seems unnatural and more like a linear path of a book than the creative jungles of poetry. Epicrean |
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