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Blind To Us
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Blind To Us |
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Cpat Hair
since 2001-06-05
Posts 11793 |
I Sat perfectly still So as to let the dance Of morning rays glide without stumble across the back of my eyes where I held those shadows of us locked in embrace, erasing as they touched any tinge of gloom settled in the dust of time. New day burn of brilliance Blinds those visions, leaving Cycloptic spots of color. Now blue. Now green. Floating where once We were Waiting for driven stake To complete the death of us. But, if I sit perfectly still, What lies behind all the times and words Spoken or not Will whisper with tender bladed rustle Letting me hear What I no longer See. [This message has been edited by Cpat Hair (11-26-2002 07:01 PM).] |
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| © Copyright 2002 Cpat Hair - All Rights Reserved | |||
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clve527 Member
since 2002-07-08
Posts 200 |
Is this supposed to be one never ending sentence? Casey |
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Cpat Hair
since 2001-06-05
Posts 11793 |
(chuckling) no some people use punctuation some people don't... I'm one of the dumb ones that sometimes doesn't, and relies on line breaks to give pause to line... Guess I could write it as one sentence, but never ending would indeed require someone take up the task after I die..so that it didn't end. |
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clve527 Member
since 2002-07-08
Posts 200 |
And now we stumble upon random capital letters. Casey |
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Epicrean Junior Member
since 2002-11-17
Posts 16 |
form aside I liked it over all... I myself perfer no punctionation so I can relate. However I am not a fan of 2 word lines unless the impact is hard, quick, and makes the reader gasp!!!! The first 2 stanzas flow great and bring images and feelings replete... sadly the last one doesn't fit and drys the whole poem out I personally think if you the last verse and combine some of the shorter lines this would be top quality!! EPiC |
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Radrook Senior Member
since 2002-08-09
Posts 648 |
This is a very interesting concept. I like the extended mataphor of light penetrating the eyes and managing to erase memories represented by shadows. It can be made more effective though. Here are my suggestions in brackets: I Sat perfectly still So as to let the dance Of morning rays [Consistency: Every new line had started with a capitalized letter. So the pattern should have been continued. This happens throughout the rest of the poem. Why is it important? Well, because it draws attention to itself and is distracting.] glide without stumble across the back of my eyes.... Economy: Poems are strengthened via economy of expression. That is the use of one word if possible instead of two or three. I Sat[]still []to let the dance Of morning rays glide [] across the back of my eyes where []shadows of [our] embrace, [were] erased as they [were] touched [The poem began in the past tense and has to remain there as a consequence.] any tinge of gloom [This line needs to be rewritten to harmonize with the previous statement.] settled in the dust of time. New day burn[s] of brilliance Blinds those visions, leaving [In order to be blinded the visions themselves must be able to see. But visions do not see. Visions are seen by a seer who can be blinded. Of course I understood that the one who sees is the one who is being spoken of as being blinded. Perhaps "disolves visions" or "evaporates visions" would be better?] Cycloptic spots of color. [Here we delve into the connotative aspect of words. Try as I may I cannot envision one-eyed spots of color. Neither do I think that is what you meant. But the word "cycloptic" forces me to try to see this. Perhaps you meant "cyclonic"?] Now blue. Now green. Floating where once We were Waiting for driven stake To complete the death of us. [This last part introduces a completely new tone into the poem. A stake through the heart connotes and is usually associated with vampires. Surely this poem is not one concerning the supernatural. Well, at least up to this point it wasn't. But if it is, then the introductory tone does not prepare the reader for it."] But, if I sit perfectly still, What lies behind all the times and words Spoken or not Will whisper with tender bladed rustle Letting me hear What I no longer See. [This last part portrays the speaker as doing a complete emotional about-face. First he is shown as sitting still specifically for the benefit of having the light ERASE all the memory shadows. Now, inexplicably, he is striving to see these memories again by sitting still?????] Thanks for sharing. God bless! [This message has been edited by Radrook (11-27-2002 04:05 AM).] |
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Paul Wilson
since 2002-07-07
Posts 4711United States |
Cpat Hair...I don't have the knowledge or experience in writting to offer a critical comment, but I do like this very much. I would like to offer my take on the poem. I read it as a person alone that has lost their love to death and they sit and wait for the final stake ( death ) so that they may be together with their love one again. |
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Radrook Senior Member
since 2002-08-09
Posts 648 |
Please understand that I am not trying to be picky or annoying or disrespectful of your work. I am merely trying to be helpful. Since the poem was posted on this forum I assumed it was posted with the purpose of being reviewed and assessed critically. Otherwise it would have been posted on the general posting forum. Of course I could have merely said I like the poem--which I do. But then what would be the point of having a critical assessment forum if all we are to do here is say we enjoyed the read--which very often we do regardless of whether it could use improvement or not? Nevertheless if I seemed rude in any way I offer my apologies. No offense was intended. |
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Cpat Hair
since 2001-06-05
Posts 11793 |
thanks all... good points indeed to ponder. I'll drop the notes and the poem back into the hopper to work on later. Appreciate everyone taking the time to read and comment!! You don't learn unless you try!! thanks again! |
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ShadowRider Senior Member
since 2001-07-14
Posts 1038USA |
Cpat, your quality of poetry is always apparent, but this brief-line poetry seems destructive to the mood. I think some of the phrases can be reassembled together to make the thoughts more coherent. Take a read over it again, Cpat. Does it read to you as a string of phrases without sentence closure? It reads to me as: image, image, image instead of Image/Idea/closing stanza line: sort of a bombardment of images in singular thought. If that is your intent, i think you can make it work by making them flow better together with a special device splicer between stanza's. Still, though, your work is of top quality and a pleasure to read! JkF |
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