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Critical Analysis #2
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Drift & Die
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Drift & Die |
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michaels_gurl New Member
since 2002-11-25
Posts 6 |
I just don't want to be sad anymore, With this or that. Who knows what's next to come, I do. Only to find myself once again, Lying in my bed ingulfed in tears. Feeling [edit by moderator] for nothing I've done, An overlooked phone never rings. But oh how much better would I be, With only talking to someone. Someone to share all my problems with. Why is it when someone is angered at another, It's you that catches the crap? From day 1 you know your in for it, Always providing for yourself all the major necessities in life. When asking for the slighest thing, All help has been gone to another. So there's no help for you. Feeling sorry for yourself, for myself Isn't how it should be But if you don't, there's noone there for you. Who is there for me? [This message has been edited by Not A Poet (11-26-2002 01:40 PM).] |
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| © Copyright 2002 michaels_gurl - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Hi, Weldome to CA. It'sgood to hear a new voice. But there is a small problem with your poem. Please check your email. Thanks, Pete |
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Radrook Senior Member
since 2002-08-09
Posts 648 |
Hi, Welcome to CA. It's nice that you participate. I have some advice in reference to your poem. Please check your email. God bless! Radrook [This message has been edited by Radrook (11-26-2002 01:14 PM).] |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Hi Radrook, If you have some advice, how about sharing it in here? After all, critique and advice is the purpose of this forum. Taking it outside pretty well defeats that putpose. Thanks, Pete |
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Radrook Senior Member
since 2002-08-09
Posts 648 |
Hi Not A Poet! Set the example and your advice will carry more weight. [This message has been edited by Radrook (11-26-2002 02:38 PM).] |
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Radrook Senior Member
since 2002-08-09
Posts 648 |
BTW Yesterday I followed your advice and gave extensive useful feedback on a poem. Came today to this forum and found it has been completely erased. Perhaps it has been reposted on the other critique forum of which I am not a member. Be it as it may, I find it rather self-contradictory to request participation and then have evidence of the participation deleted. What gives? |
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ShadowRider Senior Member
since 2001-07-14
Posts 1038USA |
Hi Michael! Not a bad stream of consciousness poem. There is an inherent contradiction here that is hard to ignore: in a 'questioning' type of poem, if the author answers the query, and questions himself throughout, it strikes a disjointed chord in me. Personally, I am not a huge fan of poetry directed at changing someone's disposition, especially in a relationship, because the subject is overdone, and usually means more to the author than to the public in terms of detail management. When using poetic pause, try to put the comma's in the correct places, Michael. For instance: An overlooked phone never rings. But oh how much better would I be, With only talking to someone. is really: An overlooked phone never rings, but, oh, how much better I would be with someone to talk to. The way you worded it, you are asking: How much better would i be if.... See the difference in the wording and comma's? Hope this has been of help. Happy TG, JkF |
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