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Critical Analysis #2
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Under The Stars
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Under The Stars |
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michaels_gurl New Member
since 2002-11-25
Posts 6 |
The wind blowing softly to untouched melodies Cradling my spirit, rocking it gently Floating high on winds Soaring, gliding through the billowy clouds Ascending toward the sun Falling toward the sea and pulling up At the last moment My soul is a beautiful, growing garden Flowers bloom, expanding in all their glory Trees looking over like silent guardians The moon looking over and smiling at all Stars dot the endless black sky Glittering and winking Laughing as people look up at their beauty Many searching for life's answers under them Pain becomes a distant memory Sorrow is drawn in beauty All is still, but nothing stops moving |
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| © Copyright 2002 michaels_gurl - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Radrook Senior Member
since 2002-08-09
Posts 648 |
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Hi, Welcome to CA. It's nice that you participate. I have some advice in reference to your poem. Please check your email. God bless! Radrook |
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Radrook Senior Member
since 2002-08-09
Posts 648 |
Hi! First, I like this poem. I enjoy reading poems which use lots of imagery and strive to create the magical dreamlike worlds in which we so often wish ourselves in times of trouble. Thanks for sharing and for the enjoyable read. My suggestions are in brackets: The wind blowing softly to untouched melodies Cradling my spirit, rocking it gently Floating high on winds Soaring, gliding through the billowy clouds Ascending toward the sun [This can stand as a complete beautiful poem by itself! Very nice! But, since it is used as part of a larger poem, then we have to see how it functions within that context. The first image is one in which you are GENTLY cradled by the wind as it lifts you toward the sun. This gentle cradling connotes loving motherhood. The sun connotes a benevolent God or a brighter future. Nice imagery!] Falling toward the sea and pulling up At the last moment [This part does not harmonize with the former one. Would a loving mother dive with her cradled baby and then pull up at the last moment? This is not to say that the concept you have in mind is not logical. I am sure that it is. But connotatively this image sets up a contradiction which caused me to pause and ponder. Which of course interrupts the flow of the read.] My soul is a beautiful, growing garden Flowers bloom, expanding in all their glory Trees looking over like silent guardians The moon looking over and smiling at all [This seems like the introduction to another poem. Beautiful though! But it seems disconnected to the introduction. Perhaps it SHOULD be the introduction to another poem. Please remember that the reader has committed himself to seeing your spirit as being cradled by the wind. But now he is asked to discard this preparatory image and adopt a new one.] Stars dot the endless black sky Glittering and winking [The word "wink" connotes a teasing, smug, gallivanting attitude. Perhaps the NEUTRAL twinkling is better here. Not that stars cannot be personified that way. But when personification is used, it has to reinforce mood. In this case, it goes contrary to the mysterious BENEVOLENT mood created by the sun and moon imagery and guardian trees imagery. Laughing as people look up at their beauty Many searching for life's answers under them [Here we have winking and laughter in the presence of human pain. Now the stars acquire a malevolent aspect. Which is of course legitimate if that's what was intended. But I somehow get the impression that malevolence was not the intended image here. However, if it was, it further disconnects the benevolence expressed in the introduction from this latter part of the poem.] Pain becomes a distant memory Sorrow is drawn in beauty All is still, but nothing stops moving. [Can deep sorrow really be resolved via the contemplation of beauty, especially while the stars are laughing and winking about it? If the stars are to be understood as heavenly powers, such as God and his angels, which they very often are--then the problem becomes even greater since there is no way we can fight against a God who thinks that our suffering is worthy only of laughter and winks. Of course, this is not what you had in mind. But this is what can and very well might be logically derived from the imagery.] God bless! [This message has been edited by Radrook (11-27-2002 01:36 PM).] |
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