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Critical Analysis #2
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PreCiouSLoveJackie
New Member
since 2002-11-21
Posts 2


0 posted 2002-11-21 09:08 PM


I know where I am going,
as I pull against the force ,
that is pushing me towards your edge.
A quivering scream,
rips from my lips,
as all my protection ,
crumbles from my walls.
My heart is exposed,
beating in the cold air,
thumping along,
as the bump in the road,
lodges to my neck,
forming a lump,
that clogs all emotions to my chest.
The force that pushes on and on,
know that if they find their destination to my head,
I would calmly be able to turn,
and walk away,
acting as if,
we never met.
You are so sweet,
the words you speak,
luring me to love's edge,
and the though of your kiss,
pressed against my lips,
sends me kneeling against my knees,
toppling over,
too scared to breathe.
I feel the weight of my body shoving into the air,
as it surprisingly starts to long for your hands,
my fingers clinging to the rocks above my head,
my bones throbbing,
dreading the thought of the time it will end.
My eyes feast on you standing below,
my heart pumping,
teeth gritting,
fingers loosing their grip,
before long, I lose control.
My body trembles,
as my mind whirls,
fear catching my breath,
not wanting to let go.
This will be the fall,
that makes me lose it all,
there is no way to stop it,
I already tried to fight it,
I cannot even climb it,
the only thing left to do,
is swallow my pride,
and set my arms out so I can glide.
I gracefully swoop down below,
falling like an autumn leaf,
as the wind blows,
dancing into your open arms,
my heart sings a sung,
it has never sung before,
the sound allowing my mind to ease,
as i begin to swing.
Finally understanding,
that I can overcome this fear,
while your are near,
and if I should hit the ground,
because you are not around,
the pain will be great,
yet my soul will still be at ease,
I will lie still,
as the rough rock smash into my head,
watching the grey sky turn blue,
knowing this was worth the pain I will feel,
reminding myself,
It was only you,
who could bring me to the edge,
allowing me to fall in love,
a love,
I could never forget.


© Copyright 2002 PreCiouSLoveJackie - All Rights Reserved
Not A Poet
Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885
Oklahoma, USA
1 posted 2002-11-22 10:31 AM


Hi Jackie,

First I want to welcome you to CA. It's always fun to hear a new voice.

As for your poem, I just have a couple of quick comments. I don't like to get into too much depth on a first post. My first impression is you just tried to say too much and it reads much to fast. I felt out of breath before getting half way through. There may be too much description and not enough action. Try to change it around some so as to tempt the reader to slow down. Also, I noted several typos. These can be very distracting to many readers. It takes more than a spell checker. You might want to proof read a couple of times before posting.

On the positive side, I enjoyed your extended metaphor of physically falling for falling in love. I think it has real promise if you just put in a little more work.

Check your email and, again, welcome to the forum.

Pete

PreCiouSLoveJackie
New Member
since 2002-11-21
Posts 2

2 posted 2002-11-22 10:04 PM


Thank you. ;>
Epicrean
Junior Member
since 2002-11-17
Posts 16

3 posted 2002-11-23 01:20 PM


I'm sorry I have a thing for lengthy poems...  I always thought 30 lines is the max with some exceptions The Bells by poe comes to mind.  

I think form is essential I also think lines with 2 or three words should be POWERUL and express a page of text in a mere second.  Your short lines seemed more of breif discriptions that could have easily stayed in the line before them!  

Otherwise you express your self well and formed a great fondation for a couple of works within one..

EPiC

[This message has been edited by Epicrean (11-23-2002 01:23 PM).]

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