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gemjop
Member Elite

since 2002-11-18

Posts 2587
Pencilveinia, USA

0 posted 2002-11-18 07:35 AM

Someone hold me down,
My mind is still too weak to catch you,
I shouldnt even try,
I know i don't need to run to reach you.

Here it lies,
Waiting for restrictions,
Knowing there aren't any,
But waiting for us to recognise.

You show me too much,
I show you too little,
Is that a balance?
Or a destined demise?

Premonitions run deep,
Curving our spine,
Instead of looking up we look down,
If we already know,
Why do we search?

I walk behind wherever you dissappear to,
Lost in your mind so deeply,
I fear you forget,
That i promised unconditionally.

Fighting sleep,
We stare,
I can read you,
Weakness is all in the mind.

Not A Poet
Member Elite

since 1999-11-03

Posts 3885
Oklahoma, USA

1 posted 2002-11-19 09:33 AM

Hi,

Just wanted to welcome you to the CA forum but don't have a critique at this time.

Check your email.

Pete

Never express yourself more clearly than you can think - Niels Bohr

A. L. Becker
Member

since 2002-09-06

Posts 167
San Francisco, California

2 posted 2003-05-10 10:36 PM

Powerful words girl!!!

Here are my thoughts:

The meter is very uneven in the first stanza.  lines one and two seem to go together.  i'm somewhat bothered by lines two and four. line two flows nicely in iambic, and i seem to want line four to match it, but it stumbles a bit on "i don't need" Lastly i would try not to end two lines in the same stanza with "you."

Stanza two is real nice.  The last line has four beats while the first three have only three.  i would take out one of the beats in the last line, but that's just me.

Stanza three is great as it is.

Stanza four is also great.  i love the imagery followed by the rhetorical question.  You make your point well here.

The meter of the first line in stanza five flows nicely for me.  i scan it as pentameter, which works well for you. You should write longer lines more often.  i get critiqued for not capitalizing my i's, but that's intentional.  i'm not sure you meant to leave the i in the last line of stanza three as lower case though.

The last stanza is perfection.

i'm no expert, but maybe some of this helps.  good luck.

annie!

"Oh, do not ask, 'What is it?'
Let us go and make our visit."
-Eliot

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