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Addicted
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Addicted |
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sjh New Member
since 2002-11-09
Posts 8Bucks., England |
Addicted to bruised minds and slit wrists, A distant heart that puckers up for split lips. We twist and turn, take risks and learn That vicious blood boils before it spits and burns. The real me would have been on his knees by now, So near to crying out for you to hear just how I've never been so far away from normal. When I try to fight the war I'm falling Deeper underground, with the words upon my lips But these lips won't make a sound. Can't stand the silence. The calm before the storm that warns of violence That we can't avoid. We sweat and toil To keep the peace but peace is spoiled By broken picture frames and words that spray Like venom. At last, we cry together. We drain off all our tears and heavy weather. We're reborn, remade and respawned, New leaves are turned and burned bridges reformed. It's gone so far that we're all afflicted, But how on earth did we let ourselves get addicted. |
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| © Copyright 2002 Stuart Handscombe - All Rights Reserved | |||
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brian madden Member Elite
since 2000-05-06
Posts 4374ireland |
HI Stuart, First of all I am going to give the rhyme is a tricky thing to get right speech. If done right it adds a nice flow and rhythm to a poem if not then it weakens and takes away from what could be a great poem. The most important rule of rhyming is, I believe anyway, never use a word because it conveniently fits in the rhyming scheme. “Addicted to bruised minds and slit wrists” Personally I have a problem with the “slit wrists” image, to me too graphic. I have no problems with graphic edgy poetry but such poetry works best through being subtle, you lure the reader changing the tone and allowing shifts in mood like with films, a scene of quiet is usually followed by a dramatic scene then quiet again. What I am saying is the slit wrists, makes reference to suicide. You have to justify such a weighty image, such images will stick with the reader throughout the poem, affecting the light in which they view the entire piece. Beware that both “bruised minds” and “slit wrists” are clichés. The second line is much more interesting, I think it would be a stronger opening line, “A distant heart that puckers up for split lips” It sets the tone for the poem and lets the reader in more gently that the opening line. Now here is my biggest problem with the poem. The flow of the poem, the connection between lines is not solid enough in some parts, For instance the 2nd and 3rd line, You move from talking about “A distant heart” to “We twist and turn.” The “distant heart” needs to breathe you have to elaborate and establish the connection between it and the two people in the next line. “We twist and turn, take risks and learn That vicious blood boils before it spits and burns.” Is this a description of your relationship with the other person in the poem. It is a bit confusing, there is obviously a conflict going on but it is not clear whether it is between the two people in the poem, or whether it is an out side force at play. To say “We twist and turn, take risks and learn” gives the impression that both people are together in the same situation. There is very to suggest the conflict referred to in line 2 and line 4. By the way, really like line 4 “That vicious blood boils before it spits and burns.” It’s a strong image, more original and potent than “slit wrists” Second stanza, you suddenly switch to first person.. why? “The real me would have been on his knees by now” Its the only stanza where you refer to yourself. Every other stanza is “we” When you set up a pattern in poetry there should be a good reason why you change it, it is wise to allow a progression. Also you were just getting into describing the connection between you and the other person, then you suddenly switch to talking about yourself. I don’t see how the 2nd stanza even connects with the rest of the poem. How do your emotions in this stanza impact up your relationship with the other person in the rest of the poem. Look at the connection between the first and third verse it makes more sense. It continues the tone and imagery of the first verse. “Calm before the storm” cliché but I like the image of how it “warns of violence” maybe if you found another image connected with peace something more personal that reveals something about the people in the poem. Now with lines that follow, you tell the reader rather than show them, the idea of work is interesting, but use an image like you did with the line “vicious blood boils before it spits and burns”. The poem has being building up to a somewhat violent conflict, exploding in the third stanza suddenly everything’s fine… way too sudden a change. You painted a grim image in the last three stanzas, there has to be a reason for peace between the two, a moment of realisation. I am not fond of the imagery in this stanza, “heavy weather,” bridges reformed” “leaves turned” are all cliché, and repetition of the image of renewal in the third line is unnecessary Now the idea of addiction, I don’t see how this fits into the poem, there are no references to dependency, there is no hint that we have two lovers who are caught in this circle of quarrelling. This would help explain the reference to addiction in the last line and the title. Overall I think you need to clarify the nature of the relationship between you and the other person in the poem and focus on that alone. Maybe give some insight into the reason for the conflict between the two. I enjoyed the read and hope I have been of some help and wasn’t too hard or blunt with my thoughts. I used to make phantoms I could later chase images of all that could be desired then I got tired of counting all of these blessings"h.devoto magazine |
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sjh New Member
since 2002-11-09
Posts 8Bucks., England |
Brian, Thanks for being so honest in your opinion. This is pretty much my first attempt at poetry and I was perhaps a little hasty in posting it. Reading it again, it does seem a little disjointed and the cliches are a bit of a cop out. The good bits are probably outweighed by the sloppy bits at the moment and I plan to rewrite it, keeping the lines that I like. Stuart |
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brian madden Member Elite
since 2000-05-06
Posts 4374ireland |
Hi Stuart, I didn't even see the caption to your constructive critique thing so was unaware that you were new to writing. As an early attempt it is quite good, some of the image is strong. I look forward to reading more of your poetry and seeing how your style progresses. I know its hard to offer poetry up for a critique, especially when you are still fresh at writing but keep at it, listen to the advice but don't let it influence your gut feeling, after all its your poet we are just here to try and find ways that we believe will help improve it. I used to make phantoms I could later chase images of all that could be desired then I got tired of counting all of these blessings"h.devoto magazine [This message has been edited by brian madden (11-10-2002 08:12 AM).] |
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hush Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653Ohio, USA |
Brian gave you some really good advice. I'd just like to add that I actually like the way you use rhyme- I think it works, and there's a lot of internal rhyme- it's not really a scheme, and I really like the texture than an uneven rhyme pattern creates. |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Hi Stuart, Welcome to Critical Analysis. I fully agree with Brian and Hush, this is a really godd effort for a new writer. I also second their advice. Brian gave a particularly good critique. And, like Hush, I thought the rhyme was overall pretty enjoyable. There were a couple of places where it did seem a little forced, as Brian suggested. I look forward to a rewrite, if you do one. Pete P.S. I forgot, as a new member I should have encouraged you to check our site guidelines. And once again, welcome to the forum. [This message has been edited by Not A Poet (11-11-2002 10:15 AM).] |
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