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Critical Analysis #2
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neill
Junior Member
since 2002-11-06
Posts 13


0 posted 2002-11-06 11:35 PM


Out across the back streets
Way up on the hillsides mountain climb
And I stand here wondering
In the vast for the point that idle brings
It’s leaving
Cast against the wall of all the stars
And it’s right on time, its right on time
Standing in the station
The five o’clock has made it past the fields
Caressed by the sun lights virgin smile
And in silence we wonder
What’s the part that we avoid in dreaming?
Is it the silence?
Because silence is easy?
Will we dare to breathe this putrid air
As cemented trees surround me
But we’re right on time
It’s right on time
Because that’s my token prayer lord
That I’m right on time
Because I can’t afford to miss the rail again
This evening
Because I wonder
Where is the point that idle brings
And then silence leaves me
she leaves me
Right on time
Right on time

© Copyright 2002 neill - All Rights Reserved
Radrook
Senior Member
since 2002-08-09
Posts 648

1 posted 2002-11-07 02:35 AM


Hi!


Thanks for sharing your poem.
I like its mood and it's jazzy beat.
I do feel, however that it can be improved by using a middle stanza as an introduction. That would avoid any confusion the reader might feel at the outset concerning the subject.
Here is the poem with what I feel is the right introductory stanza.


Standing in the station
The five o’clock has made it past the fields
Caressed by the sun lights virgin smile
And in silence we wonder
What’s the part that we avoid in dreaming?

Is it the silence?
Because silence is easy?
Will we dare to breathe this putrid air
As cemented trees surround [us][?]
But we’re right on time
It’s right on time
Because that’s [our] token prayer lord
That [we be] right on time
Because [we] can’t afford to miss the rail again
This evening
Because [we] wonder
Where is the point that idle brings[?]
And then silence leaves [us]
she leaves [us]
Right on time
Right on time
Out across the back streets
Way up on the hillsides mountain climb
[][We] stand [] wondering
In the vast
for the point
that idle brings

It’s leaving
Cast against the wall of all the stars
And it’s right on time, it[']s right on time


[Once we assume the first person plural "we" as our viewpoint, it is necessary to consistently adhere to it for the rest of the poem.]

[This message has been edited by Radrook (11-07-2002 02:38 AM).]

neill
Junior Member
since 2002-11-06
Posts 13

2 posted 2002-11-07 08:15 AM


thanks!

You're right. I have struggled with this one a bit, that is why it just had to be posted here.  I like the "we", however, i wonder if there is a way to bring it back to "i"... a change like that seems to sacrifice some of the integrity.  Certainly makes it a better read though.... I'm sold on the order changes! They work beautifully.

thanks for the feedback....re-writing as we don't speak...

[This message has been edited by neill (11-07-2002 08:16 AM).]

Radrook
Senior Member
since 2002-08-09
Posts 648

3 posted 2002-11-07 11:44 AM


Hi!

Certainly!
The "I" viewpoint can also be used as long as we remain consistent as we did with the "we" viewpoint.

Glad to be of help.
God bless!

Midnitesun
Deputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Empyrean
since 2001-05-18
Posts 28647
Gaia
4 posted 2002-11-10 10:33 PM


A wonderful thought-provoking piece, but perhaps a bit of that dirty old dog called  punctuation would help. I will come back again later, as I am pressed up against the wall tonight for time, but want you to know I really liked this and will return. Thanks for your patience, Kacy
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