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One More Sin
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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One More Sin |
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ashley Junior Member
since 2002-10-31
Posts 10U.S. |
Late nights windows open as I see the flashing lights. One more line, just one more sin. One more time, I swear it's the last. No more, trust me. As I go from slow to fast, you finally begin to see. All thats true. What's really there, Makes you blue because you care. Write for yourself and take other's critisim in stride for if your not true to you why write at all? |
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| © Copyright 2002 Ashley Maggard - All Rights Reserved | |||
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hush Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653Ohio, USA |
I think this has a lot of potential for expansion. 'Late nights windows open as I see the flashing lights.' I think this is a fairly strong beginning. I am an action-seeker- I like strong beginnings marked by some kind of movement- I like to jump right in instead of dipping my toe. The plural state of nights lets us know this has happenned more than once. I wonder about 'windows open'- who's opening them? Are they the speaker's windows, or the neighbors'? I also think you could do more with 'see the flashing lights'- elaborate somewho? Work something a little more poetic in- it doesn't have to be wordy, because juding by the length and pace of this that would be all wrong. But a sly metaphor, a more colorful verb than 'see,' a brief description of the lights- you could work maybe one of these in? 'One more line, just one more sin.' A wry grin from me on this one- did you intend the double-entendre? My initial (instant) interpretation of line was a line of poetry. On the re-read, I had to smack myself on the head, because it's obvious. But I still like the idea that poetry is an addiction, that a writer can overdose on writing... neat concept, in my opinion... 'One more time, I swear it's the last. No more, trust me.' Not particularly poetic, but within the parameters of your subject, very realistic. Sick drug addicts aren't particularly known for their knack with language. 'As I go from slow to fast, you finally begin to see.' I like this. 'All thats true. What's really there, Makes you blue because you care.' You know, I didn't notice the rhyme in this until I got to this portion, because it's done so surreptitiously? That's great... this ending, though, is terribly weak in comparison to the rest of the poem... seriously, 'blue'? Now, rhyme is (IMO) not a controlling factor in this poem, and roughing it up a little by omitting that terrible word would probably complement the texture more than this sing-song ending does. I think this ending should probably be doubled in length, and emphasis should be placed on explanation rather than rhyme. What is 'all that's true'? what's 'really there'? Overall, cool poem. I like it. Hope I've helped. |
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