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Unnoticed
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Unnoticed |
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Elizabeth Santos Member Rara Avis
since 1999-11-08
Posts 9269Pennsylvania 
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Unnoticed How quietly the petals turn, how silent is the blade How swiftly pastel softness on the earth is overlaid The lavenders of lilac and the lemon daffodil The light green edge of woodland laced with pink and purple frill Your elegance obscured by mellow footprints left to rise From earthy bed of April to the passion in our eyes As seasons walk the unrushed distance of their slated time A hundred shades of green appear upon the summer vine Your solid leaf is camouflaged by verdant woods and field And eyes are drawn to wildflowers of summer’s brilliant yield Canary yellow, tangerine, and ruby colored rose Take footsteps into autumn chill as petals decompose You still remain invisible through cool October days, Demeanor unpretentious on the stage that fall displays So patiently you wait your turn, so slow the measured pace ‘Til fall relinquishes her crown to winter’s ivory face Upon the frozen, bleak terrain, light flaky footsteps tread And leave an icy coverlet on January’s bed No color comes to greet the eye, but clinging shades of chalk Creating silhouettes of barren branch, and broken stalk It’s then you stir the spirit with a warm and welcome sight Dark holly green and berry red against the crystal white Upon your steady laden branch the winter season sings In scarlet tunes of silent snow adorned with cardinal wings Elizabeth Santos November 2, 2002 [This message has been edited by Elizabeth Santos (11-02-2002 08:42 AM).] |
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| © Copyright 2002 Elizabeth Santos - All Rights Reserved | |||
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caterina Member
since 2002-07-25
Posts 188Canada |
Hi Elizabeth, Read this a few times and I have a feeling that you can really scale this down. I do love all the wonderful images, such as lemon daffodils, lavender lilacs amd so on, plus you have incorporated lines with great alliteration, so all in all, I really like what you have written. Unfortunately, I am not that knowledgeable on rhyme.. so bear with me-- someone with experience with rhyme (like Pete  ) might pop in and give you better suggestions. But for now, I will trundle along and let you know what I feel as a reader.Ok, the 1st stanza-- I have taken the liberty of rewriting and removing unneeded words, like so The petals turn, silent is the blade pastel softness on the earth is overlaid lavenders of lilac, the lemon daffodil the edge of woodland laced in pink and purple frill. I also looked at this stanza and thought it might work in another order like so The edge of woodland laced in pink and purple frill, lavenders of lilac, the lemon daffodil, naturally the petals turn, silent is the blade, pastel softness of the earth is overlaid. I did change a couple of things here though, such as-- naturally instead of quietly because it is a natural process with the changing seasons... but of course this is only my opinion and it may not appeal to you. I think the last line is off-- it would probably need another word before overlaid, I think. That's not important right now, my main concern was pointing out to you another order you might like to consider or not, it's your decision. I think you can scale down the other stanzas -- you know, just rid them of all the little unnecessary words that just get in the way-- then the reader can really get the full benefit of your images/content/alliteration. I hope this helped, if not-- just ignore. Wait and see what others say though-- as I said... I am not the best person to advise on rhymed poetry. I did enjoy your poem and should you decide to revise, I will look forward to reading your revision. caterina |
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Elizabeth Santos Member Rara Avis
since 1999-11-08
Posts 9269Pennsylvania |
caterina, Thank you so much for taking the time to critique this poem, which I just wrote this morning. You have hit upon one of my worst faults (unnecessary words) and it is such a difficult habit to break. I tend to add a word just to fill in to make the syllable count correct or whatever. I loved what you did with the second verse that you changed by reversing the order and deleting those little words. It is so much more beautiful that way. I'll wait to see if anyone comments before I make any changes, as I'm certain there is a lot of room for improvement. THank you so much. You have been very helpful Take care Liz |
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Red Member
since 2000-01-01
Posts 143Ca |
Hi ELizabeth, First off, I'm not going to say too much because I'm not very good at writing rhyming poetry with a meaning myself and I usually find myself always loving any that I do read...... likewise in this case. I really liked some of your lines a lot and found that they stood out to me and that I was repeating them a few times over to myself, for example: "No color comes to greet the eye, but clinging shades of chalk Creating silhouettes of barren branch, and broken stalk" With that said, I don't know that I can offern you much of a critique except to say that I am green with envy and I really like this (rub some of your talent off on me would ya?lol)......... reminds me of being back home in Canada and the wonder of the changing seasons. With that said, I can't help but say, (even if I should offer more sound advice?) that I wouldn't change much, if anyting at all, of this because I (personally) liked it a lot just the way it was. |
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Kit McCallum
Administrator
Member Laureate
since 2000-04-30
Posts 14774Ontario, Canada |
Ah Liz … although I read a great deal in Critical Analysis, I rarely respond, however since you know I love rhyme and meter … you know I can't resist, lol. Beautifully composed … your end rhymes are perfect, with no forced rhymes, and your iambic heptameter is consistently held throughout, with the soft/hard metrical beat repeating in all the right places. The only one that threw me a little off kilter on my first read through, was the second line here … "Your solid leaf is camouflaged by verdant woods and field And eyes are drawn to wildflowers of summer's brilliant yield " It could be just my pronunciation, but "wild" and "flowers" both begin with a heavier beat, so it appears that you have DUM DUM, as opposed to Da DUM in that one line. Da dum da dum da dum da dum da dum da dum da dum Your sol id leaf is cam ou flaged by ver dant woods and field Da dum da dum da dum dum da da dum da dum da dum And eyes are drawn to wild flow ers of sum mer's bril liant yield " A quick suggestion, might be the following, but you may want to play with it a bit: "Your solid leaf is camouflaged by verdant woods and field And eyes are drawn to flowers wild, through summer's brilliant yield " I loved the vivid imagery in this Liz … excellent work. Best wishes me twin, /Kit [This message has been edited by Kit McCallum (11-03-2002 09:37 AM).] |
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Balladeer
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-05
Posts 25505Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA |
LOL! Kit, if we are not brother and sister separated at birth, I'll be amazed! That is the exact word that jumped out at me. It threw the tempo off for me when I read it and then read it as if "wild" were a two-syllable word and "flowers" were one (WI-ld-FLOWERS)and it worked perfectly so I assumed that is the way Liz sounded it in her mind. Unfortunately the way others would read it make it sound different, which is one of the hardest things an author is faced with - determining how others will read the words. Your suggestion is very good. As far as being too wordy, I don't feel that it is. Sure, the lines can be made shorter and more compact but at a sacrifice to its rythmic beauty. Liz, you wrote lines that sing...don't change them for brevity. The poem is very well-done.  |
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Nan
Administrator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-05-20
Posts 21191Cape Cod Massachusetts USA |
What Kit and Deer said, Liz m'dear friend... Your perfect meter is your signature. There's nothing wrong with using syllables appropriately to round it out. Your rhyme scheme is brilliant as always... How come I'm not related to those two as well???..  |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Hi Liz, Just got a minute here but had to comment on the above. Yes, that one line is a small metric stumbling block but it really didn't bother me much at all. In fact, although it was noticable on first reading, I thought it helped a little to break the meter some, sort of keeps it from overpowering, if that makes any sense. In any case, I like it much better than Kit's suggestion. Sorry Kit but that word inversion just doesn't fit well in this poem. I would leave it as is rather than do something artificial or forced sounding. JMHO, Pete |
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Skyfyre Senior Member
since 1999-08-15
Posts 1906Sitting in Michael's Lap |
Soft, lilting, and beautiful. A perfect choice for my first read of the morning. I found "wildflowers" not at all distracting; I agree with Pete that it adds interest, not impediment. Besides, *sighs* it is such a lovely word! It amazes me just how much your poetry has grown ... and in this case, bloomed.  Write on, poetess! Linda |
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Elizabeth Santos Member Rara Avis
since 1999-11-08
Posts 9269Pennsylvania |
Red thank you for reading and taking the time to comment.I may make a few revisions but I habven't figured it out yet. I think there are too many "the's" for one thing Thank you Liz |
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Elizabeth Santos Member Rara Avis
since 1999-11-08
Posts 9269Pennsylvania |
Kit, Balladeer, and Nan, About the Da DUMS Wild is one of those words that can be of one or two syllables, in my mind, but flowers is definitley two, so I did slip up as I was writing it. I may do something about that line since eveyone meantioned it. Sometimes it's hard to know how many sounds are in a word For instance OIL in Philadelphia has 2 sy;;ables, in Charleston it only has one, and in Briooklyn, it has three! Flowers May or may not have 2 syllables. I've heard it said in one long drawn out syllable in the deep south, but for most it is two. Whereas Shoofly pie is ALWAYS 3 Syllables. I do think Caterina has a point about the brevity of words. THis is true especially in free verse, But even as this poem I think that the number of articles could be cut down by using adjectives to keep the meter. I may toy around with it. I have one line with 2 "the's". THank you, my siblings in poetry THank you for your gracious words Liz |
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Elizabeth Santos Member Rara Avis
since 1999-11-08
Posts 9269Pennsylvania |
Pete, Your remarks remind me of how a meter can tend to become monotonous and overwhelm a poem. That has happened to me several times and I go back and try to give the verses a smoother finish and sometimes X out some verses. Meter can enhanse a poem but seemes to me it must be in coherent and sweet sounding phrasess Just some thoughts Thank you sir for your input Taken care Liz |
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Elizabeth Santos Member Rara Avis
since 1999-11-08
Posts 9269Pennsylvania |
Skyfyre, It is so nice to see you commenting on this poem because I have long admired your poetry, and so your comments really make me feel good, THank you, dear for your kind remarks. Glad you liked the poem Liz |
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Tim Senior Member
since 1999-06-08
Posts 1794 |
I try to avoid critique with a passion, in or out of passions, but the true beauty of your work lies in your meter and rhyme. For a poem to rise to a special place, you must have the beauty of the word, the message, and technical ability. Very few can accomplish the trifacta. If one is to suffer, I prefer technical perfection be the first to go. I like the beauty of the word to dominate. That is your strength and do not see too many words. I can live with inversions such as flowers wild, but another suggestion would be to switch your subjects. Wildflowers draw (you can pick your adjective) eye to the... Might clear up the little bump which I also agree, a little bump at times is not a bad thing when your sense of rhythm is a natural as yours. Your ability at meter is a gift, I would not try and alter your style by attempting to eliminate words. Just my personal view. |
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Elizabeth Santos Member Rara Avis
since 1999-11-08
Posts 9269Pennsylvania |
Tim, Thank you so much for your generous remarks. I appreciate your taking the time to read and comment. With all suugestions in mind, I will make a change or two probably, but I'm back and forth to the hospital to visit my brother and haven't had a clear enough mind to think. Your comments are very warming. Thank you Liz |
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