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Critical Analysis #2
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Just an idea...........
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Just an idea........... |
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TJDoat Junior Member
since 2002-09-29
Posts 26 |
Not sure if this is the right place to post this. It's not at all finished, just and idea. I thought I might get some feedback on it before I went any further, and yes it's chock full of cliches: ................................................ Broken glass lieing in shards on the empty city sidewalk the steel grey sky above looks down silently on the world below holding in it’s bosom the scent of distant rain thoughts flow backward through time time stands still still I stand Staring at broken glass lieing in shards on the empty city sidewalk The steel grey sky above silently brings down its heavy load drops flow onward through the street time stands still I still stand Staring at broken glass lieing in shards on the empty city’s sidewalk. -Jason |
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| © Copyright 2002 Jason Weiesnbach - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Christopher
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-08-02
Posts 8296Purgatorial Incarceration |
Hi Jason - For a critique / suggestions, this is the right place. The first thing i want to say is that it's "lying," not "lieing." second - if you know it's full of cliches, does that mean that's what you wanted? if not, maybe you should replace them and repost. if so though, let me know. Christopher |
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Radrook Senior Member
since 2002-08-09
Posts 648 |
This is a very impressive poem. The imagery is very effective. Its rhythm I found entrancing! Enjoyed the read! Thanks for sharing. Here are my suggestions in brackets: [After reading the poem for the fourth time I realized that you sometimes were using capitalization to indicate the beginning of a new sentence. In order to remain consistent, all sentences would have to be indicated in the same way. That is the reason why I suggested the capitalization enclosed in brackets. I did not suggest other punctuation because you consistently leave out punctuation throughout the poem. So no inconsistency is present in that area.] Broken glass [lies] in shards [Using "lies" instead of "lying" ties this part in with "looks" "flow" "brings" "stands"] on the empty city sidewalk [T]he steel gray sky above looks down silently on the world below holding in its bosom the scent of distant rain [T]houghts flow backward through time [T]ime stands still [S]till I stand [s]taring at broken glass lying in shards on the empty city sidewalk The steel [gray] sky above silently brings down its heavy load ["disgorges" "releases" "spits down" "drops" "sends down" "hurls down" "throws down" "heaves down" "tosses down" The reason I offer these possible alternatives for "brings down" is that "brings down" seems to be saying that the sky itself came down with the rain in order to personally bring it down.] [D]rops flow onward through the street [The above sentence seems to describe individual drops flowing. Now, if indeed the sky dropped a HEAVY load of rain, single drops would not be what the observer should be seeing. Instead, [...small streams flood...] or [...minute rivers rivulet...] or [dwarf rivers rush...] or [...tiny streams inundate....] [T]ime stands still I still stand [s]taring at broken glass lying in shards on the empty city's sidewalk[] [Removed period for consistency.] -Jason I like the play on the word "still." Very thought-provoking and artistic. [This message has been edited by Radrook (10-19-2002 03:47 AM).] |
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TJDoat Junior Member
since 2002-09-29
Posts 26 |
Originally posted by Christopher: The first thing i want to say is that it's "lying," not "lieing." ....Hmmmmmmmm......... YUP  second - if you know it's full of cliches, does that mean that's what you wanted? if not, maybe you should replace them and repost. if so though, let me know. That is exactly what I wanted, a 3/16 wrench fits a lot of nuts and bolts under the hood and gets the job done, that's why mechanics use them............... In fact I tried to use what would normally be considered a cliche on every single line. I hope I accomplished this. I didn't however want to throw in a plethora of things such as "love on the wings of a dove," that would truly be hackneyed and a tad pedestrian. If I where going for more of a satire thing here then it would work well like that, but not in it's current context......... It seems I see more than a fair amount of critique pointing what is cliche(on this board and others). There is a reason for this I think, and that is people tend to associate certain things together. Rain=sadness(nostalgia, mourning, death): sunlight=happines(outdoors, fun, playing, etc.): metal=cold(sterile, smooth, etc):etc,etc,etc..................... Why not instead of fighting it, and searching for the ultimate word that will force everyone reading to stop there, break out the archaic dictionary from the mid 17th century, spend 3 hours researching its meaning, and ultimately discover it means to 'eat slowly while mumbling nonsense'(or something else, perhaps less intriguing).......... Why not use what comes naturally? Why not take those terms people have come to associate with certain emotions, places, or events, and use them to paint the picture that is the poem................... Is it cliche for the painter to use blue for the sky? Anyhow it was just a thought I've had for a while thought I'd play with it(or maybe I'm just lazy  you be the judge).The real playground here, is meant to be (though it still needs work), the subtle changes in wording as it repeats, falling back to where it began only slightly different. ............................................................................. Originally posted by Radrook: [After reading the poem for the fourth time I realized that you sometimes were using capitalization to indicate the beginning of a new sentence. In order to remain consistent, all sentences would have to be indicated in the same way. That is the reason why I suggested the capitalization enclosed in brackets. I did not suggest other punctuation because you consistently leave out punctuation throughout the poem. So no inconsistency is present in that area.] I'm the worst about punctuation............. ["disgorges" "releases" "spits down" "drops" "sends down" "hurls down" "throws down" "heaves down" "tosses down" The reason I offer these possible alternatives for "brings down" is that "brings down" seems to be saying that the sky itself came down with the rain in order to personally bring it down.] I put a good deal of thought in that area right there, and never came up with a flow I was happy with, decided to let it stand and come back to it later. [D]rops flow onward through the street [The above sentence seems to describe individual drops flowing. Now, if indeed the sky dropped a HEAVY load of rain, single drops would not be what the observer should be seeing. Instead, [...small streams flood...] or [...minute rivers rivulet...] or [dwarf rivers rush...] or [...tiny streams inundate....] Same as above, consider this version a rough sketch. It will be worked on much more, like the title says 'just and idea'. I like the play on the word "still." Very thought-provoking and artistic. Thanks for the compliment. I'd like to twist it up more, as the poem progresses. I am thinking of going through repetition maybe 7 whole times, until the end meaning is nowhere near the beginning, hopefully keeping a nice solid flow from start to finish............. -Jason [This message has been edited by TJDoat (10-19-2002 04:45 AM).] |
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Radrook Senior Member
since 2002-08-09
Posts 648 |
I believe you misunderstood me as I can see by the following statement: I'm the worst about punctuation............. [No, I was NOT criticizing your punctuation or lack of it. Those are prerogatives of a poet, to use or not to use punctuation. But if a poet does choose not to use it--then the reader will expect him to be consistent throughout the poem. The same is true of capitalization. If the poet chooses to indicate the start of each new sentence with a capital letter, then the reader will notice if he deviates from this pattern. So it was not punctuation per se that I was focusing on but only consistency.] I put a good deal of thought in that area right there, and never came up with a flow I was happy with, decided to let it stand and come back to it later. [I was under the impression that you were seeking suggestions in order to improve your poem.] [D]rops flow onward through the street Same as above, consider this version a rough sketch. It will be worked on much more, like the title says 'just and idea.' [Same as above.] Thanks for the compliment. I'd like to twist it up more, as the poem progresses. I am thinking of going through repetition maybe 7 whole times, until the end meaning is nowhere near the beginning, hopefully keeping a nice solid flow from start to finish............. -Jason [You are welcomed Jason. You have a very good poem here. Thanks for sharing!] [This message has been edited by Radrook (10-19-2002 04:55 PM).] |
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