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| Critical Analysis #2 |
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traffic |
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hush Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653Ohio, USA |
Not sure how I feel about this, just finished it a few minutes ago and I think I should post it before I think better of it, LOL. The wind lashes asphalt and nicotine a block away from winter I think a shock away from better and leaves are corseted in the black knots of the street, dead jagged river pulled tight and breathless until it billows out in the delta of an intersection, a flowing swirl of brilliancy surges past a stop sign, unrestricted until struck down by Soderbergh’s monolith, caught in the treads and grills of obscurity. A week later, the snow falls stark and silent, replacing the clamor with peaceful pallor. |
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Radrook Senior Member
since 2002-08-09
Posts 648 |
This poem seems to be referring to the picture "Traffic" as is hinted by the "Soderbergh’s monolith" reference and the title of the poem. Beyond that I cannot seem to unravel its intended meaning without your assistance. [This message has been edited by Radrook (10-18-2002 01:15 AM).] |
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Christopher
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-08-02
Posts 8296Purgatorial Incarceration |
heya - quote:is one of the coolest lines i've ever read. i love it when someone can take some commonalites, jumble them up, and throw down a solid phrase that's so ambiguous you still find new interpretations a day later. this one rocks... LOVE it! to the rest - actually not bad.  did ya have to rhyme? just teasing - i actually thought the internal rhyming between "block / shock" was pretty good... a shock you might say, which works well as emphasis. i didn't care too much for the close connections of "clamor / pallor" - just grates a bit... this is probably accentuated by the alliteration of the last line too. another thing - corseted. just does not sit well at all. it brings to mind the images of a party, and older style dresses... messed up - for me - the starker, darker imagery. i think you want to maintain that, so i thought i'd show you what it did for me. this also might be nit-picking, but what about possibly ditching the extra line breaks between "...nicotine / a block away..." and "...from better / and leaves..."? "I think" sits well by itself out there as a separator, but i believe the others would work better in closer proximity to their cojoining thoughts. to the intend (assuming i read into it correctly) - i just love it. until relatively recently, i've commuted most of my adult life. the reason i mention this is so that you'll understand that i came into the poem (after reading the title) with an already developed sense of frustration. LOL you've integrated a panopoly of images into this dark piece that allowed me to view it from a couple different directions. of course there's the first, direct image of traffic - the smoking, pollution, congestion... on and on. it was alos interesting following this along with your closure involving snow - the only thing i could get along these lines was that the freeways get closed down, lol. (not here though, never here)  in all, the contrast is actually refreshing, not leaving me bitter over the thought of being stuck in traffic.finally (since i should go back to work, lol) i was left with some fairly solid impressions of progression through metaphor. no clue if this was what you intended, but references to restriction, obscurity, peace... all of these led me in that direction. anyway, just wanted to take a moment to appreciate the FEELING of this piece. Chris |
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Radrook Senior Member
since 2002-08-09
Posts 648 |
This is not to say that all poetry should contain some lesson or some deeper meaning. Descriptive poetry such as Shakespeare's "Winter" or Alfred Lord Tennyson's "The Eagle" were composed with the purpose of increasing reader sensitivity toward these things--to help us better appreciate their essence. But your poem seems to be striving to convey more. It is that "more" that is eluding me. |
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Robtm1965 Member
since 2002-08-20
Posts 263 |
Hush You have some lovely language here. As a first draft it is really pretty good maybe a little tweaking here and there. As I see it, the main theme is “contrast”: winter/summer, black/bright, better/worse, stop/start, conspicuous/obscure, noise/peace, urban man-made life/nature. Let’s look at the detail: The wind lashes >>> I think you can do better than “lashes” asphalt and nicotine >>> I am slightly doubtful about “nicotine” , nicotine is a chemical C10H14N2 to be precise and I am having difficulty in seeing it lashed by anything. Did you have tobacco smoke in mind? a block away from winter >>> Nice I think >>> seems redundant to me a shock away from better >>> Very nice. Like both the full rhyme and the slant rhyme. and leaves are corseted >>> on a first reading I thought “corseted”!! Whatever is she getting at!? Then I suddenly saw the way the wind can eddy piles of leaves into a tight ball or column in a corner of a street or building! I’m a convert to this word. in the black knots of the street, dead jagged river pulled tight and breathless until it billows out in the delta of an intersection, a flowing swirl of brilliancy surges past a stop sign, unrestricted until >>> I like the language and sound of this section a lot. “billows out in the delta of an intersection” is perhaps my favorite image in the entire poem. Rivers of vehicles has been done many times before but I think that one phrase brings enough newness to make it interesting. Where I had a few problems with this passage was in the juxtaposition of the dark dead imagery followed so swiftly by the light of the intersection. Correct me if I am wrong, but I think you are going here for the way in which traffic bunches tight in the narrow streets, so tight that the headlights tend to be obscured and the whole mass of traffic becomes no more than a black “jagged” sluggish river. If this is the case then I think it’s a close call as to whether it works. I didn’t pick up that possibility until the third reading simply because in most of the big city streets round here the traffic never becomes so bunched that it is black - far from it in fact the streets are full of light and bustled and then of course there are the street lights themselves. Still I guess it would work for a particular street or city, and maybe it’s more congested where you are. Now I think I know what you mean I am inclined to think you should leave it. One thing I would say though is that I want to FEEL the different movements here. The stop/start thing I mentioned earlier. I don’t think you have done as much as you could have done with the line lengths and breaks to emphasis the sluggishness of the dead river and then the sudden brilliant movement and swirl as the champagne bottle is uncorked so to speak. Maybe shorter broken lines followed by the long exhalation at the delta - or something. I just felt you missed an opportunity. struck down by Soderbergh’’s monolith, >>> I am surely missing something here. I never saw the movie “Traffic” so I wouldn’t pick up any direct allusion (it now occurs to me that there might be others in the poem) and I have no idea whether there is also a physical structure in your city. Also “struck down” seemed odd to me. “Swallowed up” maybe, but struck down seemed rather abrupt and final and I couldn’t really see any justification for that, although I notice you have emphasised it by using a single line so maybe I AM missing something important here. caught in the treads and grills of obscurity. >>> nice image. A week later, the snow falls stark and silent, replacing the clamor with peaceful pallor. >>> I’m a fan of slant of half rhyme and alliteration in moderation, so I had no problem with the closure from that point of view. Maybe I am asking too much, maybe I have simply read to many “snow” images, but I’m looking at the ending for something more stunning than “snow falls stark and silent”. You have managed to pack three adjectives into three short lines describing a noun (snow) which has been described a billion times before. Billy Collins opens his poem “Snow Day”: “Today we woke up to a revolution of snow,/its white flag waving over everything,/”. In my opinion you need to find something as original as that to close with in order to do justification to the potential of the remainder of the poem. Good start though, and a pleasure to read. Regards. Rob |
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hush Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653Ohio, USA |
Thanks everyone for your replies. Chris- Right on about clammor/pallor- I can be really terrible with wrapping things up and that's just an icky half-rhyme- I'll do something with it. I guess with 'corseted' it's a matter of context- when I think of corsets, I think of unnecessary constriction, the molding of something natural into something unnatural- and to me, that's a dark image. It also ties in with what I meant as the poems greater meaning- yes, a metaphor was intended (more on that later.) Rob- I wrote 'nicotine' in there considering your point- but 'tobbacco smoke' sounded too bulky for what I wanted. 'Nicotine' is a sharper, more concise word, and I just like the sound of it better. Realistically, I don't really think the image is that troublesome- nicotine is present in tobacco smoke, correct? Technically, I probably could have used 'carbon monoxide' too, but same probalem as above. I don't know- I'll think about it. I will consider playing with the line breaks as you suggested. Yeah, I know, last stanza's weak- I'm going to work on it. -- Now, on the meaning of the poem- I'm talking about leaves, not cars- 'A swirling flow of brilliancy' isn't something I thought would really convey traffic, and repeating leaves seemed redundant and unnecessary to me. Black knots was just to describe the uneven asphalt. Anyway, general idea I was going for is this: leaves are tunnelled and confined in a tight street (actually, a fairly empty one- do I need to do something to highlight the presence of leaves and the absence of cars?) The wind shuffles them down between the two curbs, into an intersection where they are 'struck down' by cars (or 'Traffic'- definite allusion to the movie and what I feel to be its themes) - caught in grills and under tires. Metaphor- the leaves are confined, but are let loose in a flow of 'brilliancy'- a word chosen for it's connotations of creativity and innovative thought. As soon as they find themselves free, they are struck down- reminiscent of Alanis Morrisette's song 'ironic' "Mr. Play it safe was afraid to fly/... and as the plane crashed down, he thought, 'well isn't this nice?'" Being struck down by 'Soderbergh's monolith'- I chose that phrase for several reasons- one, I thought it was more creative than saying 'a stream of cars' and I also wanted to use themes from the movie- those being: -interconnectedness- the movie is done Magnolia-style- everyone in it is connected, in this case, through drug trafficking. -inevitability- to me, I think the movie says that bad things happen, no matter who you are or how safe you think you are- the drug czar's daughter ends up strung out on heroin, sleeping with different guys to get it. -futility- I saw, in this movie, a definite futility in trying to spearhead efforts against this huge problem- in the end, Micheal Douglas' character found that his family needed him more than the drug war did- I thnk the point of this is that thinking smaller scale and enjoying smaller happinesses is more important than biting off more than you can chew. Obviously, the allusion to a movie depends on the reader's interpretations of it- so that's flexible. Just wanted to let you guys in on what I was thinking here. Thanks for taking the time to comment. -- BTW, I forgot to mention earlier- my idea with winter was the eventual cessation of the attempt at freedom- a death of sorts, but peaceful- not that it's necessarily a good peace, when one gives up- I was also trying to acheive a contrast between the seasons, setting autumn up as the kind of world we live in now- it sucks. but we're all still trying, no matter how futile it is. Winter is supposed to represent what things would be like if everyone just flat-out gave up. Silence, apparent lifelessness, pallor- obviously, this is my subjective slant on winter, and this is more of a speculative poem than my personal feelings on the state of humankind and the world- just wanted to clarify further. Thanks again. [This message has been edited by hush (10-18-2002 10:38 AM).] |
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Robtm1965 Member
since 2002-08-20
Posts 263 |
Hush I wasn't suggesting you should actually write "tobacco smoke" just something different from nicotine. On meaning: Now, on the meaning of the poem! I blame it on Chris for setting me off in the wrong direction with his gridlock comment! Serves me right I guess for reading someone elses review before I set pen to paper. But actually I'm pretty sure I would have thought that this was about traffic (with maybe an underlying metaphor) in any case. "I'm talking about leaves, not cars- 'A swirling flow of brilliancy' isn't something I thought would really convey traffic," "Swirling flow of brilliancy" conveys peak time traffic at an intersection at night perfectly> You ever seen those photos where they use a long exposure and you get great swirls of headlights? Well that is what you wrote. And to be honest I would never have associated that phrase with dead leaves! " and repeating leaves seemed redundant and unnecessary to me." Yes I must admit I was a little puzzled about your fixation with the wind and leaves. I guess I put it down to just setting up the background to the poem and introducing the natural dimension ready to be echoed at the closure with the snow. "Black knots was just to describe the uneven asphalt." Black knots is the dark streets full of jammed up vehicles! "Anyway, general idea I was going for is this: leaves are tunnelled and confined in a tight street (actually, a fairly empty one- do I need to do something to highlight the presence of leaves and the absence of cars?) The wind shuffles them down between the two curbs, into an intersection where they are 'struck down' by cars (or 'Traffic'- definite allusion to the movie and what I feel to be its themes) - caught in grills and under tires." No no! The traffic is confined I the tight street and then released! Ok, I admit the "struck down" had me puzzled and I guess that's where the literal traffic imagery breaks down a little. "Metaphor- the leaves are confined, but are let loose in a flow of 'brilliancy'- a word chosen for it's connotations of creativity and innovative thought." Stretching it Hush imo. "As soon as they find themselves free, they are struck down- reminiscent of Alanis Morrisette's song 'ironic' "Mr. Play it safe was afraid to fly/... and as the plane crashed down, he thought, 'well isn't this nice?'" Being struck down by 'Soderbergh's monolith'- I chose that phrase for several reasons- one, I thought it was more creative than saying 'a stream of cars'" "Soderbergh's monolith" as a synonym for "stream of cars" seems just a tad over dramatic to me. "and I also wanted to use themes from the movie- those being: interconnectedness- the movie is done Magnolia-style- everyone in it is connected, in this case, through drug trafficking. -inevitability- to me, I think the movie says that bad things happen, no matter who you are or how safe you think you are- the drug czar's daughter ends up strung out on heroin, sleeping with different guys to get it. -futility- I saw, in this movie, a definite futility in trying to spearhead efforts against this huge problem- in the end, Micheal Douglas' character found that his family needed him more than the drug war did- I think the point of this is that thinking smaller scale and enjoying smaller happinesses is more important than biting off more than you can chew. Obviously, the allusion to a movie depends on the reader's interpretations of it- so that's flexible. Just wanted to let you guys in on what I was thinking here. Thanks for taking the time to comment." All of which passed me by completely as I suspected. "BTW, I forgot to mention earlier- my idea with winter was the eventual cessation of the attempt at freedom- a death of sorts, but peaceful- not that it's necessarily a good peace, when one gives up- I was also trying to achieve a contrast between the seasons, setting autumn up as the kind of world we live in now- it sucks. but we're all still trying, no matter how futile it is. Winter is supposed to represent what things would be like if everyone just flat-out gave up. Silence, apparent lifelessness, pallor- obviously, this is my subjective slant on winter, and this is more of a speculative poem than my personal feelings on the state of humankind and the world- just wanted to clarify further. Thanks again." This isn't a complaint Hush, but if you really want a reader to pick up all or most of that then this definitely needs more work. And despite everything you say about leaves I still see traffic overtly in this, there are too many images that point in that direction even with your explanation. Maybe this poem is telling you it wants to go off in an entirely different direction! Regards Rob |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
No real critique here but it looks like you already have enough of that to keep you busy or at least make you think. I am not familiar with the movie so all that just blew right by. Interestingly though, I saw the allusion to traffic (vehicle that is) but the real image I got was the sudden onslaught of winter. Maybe part of that is brought on by environment. As happens all too often here in Oklahoma, summer just suddenly stops and winter comes. Autumn lasts only a couple of weeks if even that. Well we just had our first cold spell. Two weeks ago the daytime highs were still hitting in the 90's and the last couple of days I have had frost on my windshield in the mornings. As usual, I enjoyed your use of words and images. I'm sure there are some points you could improve, particularly if there is some particular point you want to make. Rob points this out just above. But all-in-all, I did find it interesting and quite enjoyable. Thanks, Pete |
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