»
Archives
»
Critical Analysis #2
»
Title witheld for the moment
| Critical Analysis #2 |
|
Title witheld for the moment |
|
|
Capricious Member
since 2002-09-14
Posts 89California, USA |
The Veterans that held the hill Stood their ground without protest. Scorched and burnished, burnt and brown And golden, as to mock the Sun Who scowls his outrage daily down To parch the hubris from their breasts: Knowing well he never will. In faithful vigil they endure, Their blades attendant to the sky; Weary-seeming, never dreaming, Staunch as Truth, steadfast as Right, All around, the hillsides gleaming In dazzling witness to their might. Ten thousand strong the careful eye Might see – beyond are thousands more. No rest distracts their watch – but there! A shadow at the edge of sight – Approaching darkness, distant drums, A wind that pledges violence; So swiftly do her legions come! With reckless, cruel magnificence She howls her challenge to the bright Usurpers who her wrath would dare. Their thirst for battle, whetted sure, This ancient foe shall surely slake! Loosing her silver-throated cry, She sounds the charge – her shining hordes But shatter once, and gladly die Upon the Veterans’ gilded swords: Still radiant in death, they break Like silver waves on golden shore. Her minions, slaughtered every one, The Silver Queen calls no retreat, But mutters vengeance as she goes. The golden ranks, unbroken still, Will voice no boast of vanquished foes Nor crow their prowess to the hills. The triumph silent as defeat, Again, the battlefield has won. Edit: &^*% format-eating monster!!! [This message has been edited by Capricious (10-15-2002 08:16 PM).] |
||
| © Copyright 2002 Linda Anderson - All Rights Reserved | |||
|
Capricious Member
since 2002-09-14
Posts 89California, USA |
I threw this together on a whim and an inspiration. Hardly my best work. Feel free to dissect it ... I am most interested, though, in personal impressions, interpretations, etc. This was intended as a metaphor, and if that didn't come across, it's not worth tweaking. |
||
|
Radrook Senior Member
since 2002-08-09
Posts 648 |
Fascinating! This seems at first glance like a battle of evil against good. But there are conflicting references which make this conclusion seem untenable. For example, the golden army is said to be demonstrating hubris and angering the a source of light--the sun. But later they are said to be staunch as Truth and steadfast as Right. The abrupt introduction of the mysterious evil queen confused me temporarily. I say evil because she is accompanied by darkness which is the standard symbol of evil. She is also depicted as howling--something also associated with evil. Furthermore, her army is referred to as a horde, [Negative connotations] and is described as cruel. Neither are the forces of good described as thirsting for battle. Neither are the followers of good referred to as minions. So the queen and her army come across as the villains here despite the previous references to hubris and opposition to the sun by the golden army. Which leads me to conclude that the sun must be mistaken and is in this instance in league with the evil queen. Yet the sun is light while the queen is associated with darknes. There is a subtle paradox here. Actually, the more I read this poem the more I enjoy its imagery. I would not discard this poem. I would save it even if the reader fails to grasp its greater meaning. Enjoyed the read! [This message has been edited by Radrook (10-16-2002 12:08 AM).] |
||
|
Capricious Member
since 2002-09-14
Posts 89California, USA |
Radrook: thanks for stopping by. I am gratified that you picked up the blurred lines between good and evil here, since they were intentional. The literal subject matter has very little to do with either, but I'm lazy and it was easy to portray the two opposing forces thus.  I know I've shaved syllables, bungled meter, and even missed an entire LINE in the first stanza (O, the horror!). So much for being a perfectionist. I'm open for stylistic criticism as well -- Wanted to be sure that was clear even though my emphasis in this case is on the metaphor. 'pricious |
||
|
Robtm1965 Member
since 2002-08-20
Posts 263 |
Capricious Just to prove all the punters in here who think I don’t care about meaning wrong I have spent the last 10 minutes trying to figure out the lack of vitriol in this piece. All I can think is that the literal subject matter is in fact centred around the weather and specifically a storm assailing something on a hill. S3 has surely got to be the thunder and lightening approaching. And the “shining hordes”, rain,(Their thirst for battle, whetted sure,This ancient foe shall surely slake!, was verging on the corny!), and the imagery is fairly consistent from there on in, although I do have a few nits (no time now). I’m still puzzling somewhat as to what the something on the hill is. The “Veterans”. They are bladelike and gold - that much is clear. Golden grass, wheat, plants of some kind? I thought of trees but they don’t seem to fit. Maybe inanimate - shards of rock? Man-made? Somehow as this is essentially a poem about natural phenomenon I am inclined to go for something in nature. I expect the title would have been revealing which is why you with-held it. Nice rhyme scheme BTW, but why did you make the first stanza different? A couple of dubious inversions maybe, but pretty well written on the whole. So there ya go, Rob DOES care about meaning after all even if he is way off beam! Regards Rob [This message has been edited by Robtm1965 (10-16-2002 09:08 AM).] |
||
|
Radrook Senior Member
since 2002-08-09
Posts 648 |
Critiquing A few pointers: 1. Determine what the poem's purpose is first. Is it vitriol to engender anger or concern? Determining the poet's intentions prevents us from wasting time striving to find qualities in a poem which are not germane to its purpose. 2. What type of poem is it? Is it traditional, or is it surrealistic. If indeed it is predominantly surrealistic then it demands a much different critique approach. Surrealistic poetry is stream-of consciousness poetry and need not have specific meaning for each and every image used. So seeking the general message or gist of this type of poetry is very often more productive than striving for complete comprehension of each minute detail such as whata blade of grass might mean. 3. Rhyme scheme This should be of less concern than overall effectiveness. If the poem manages to convey what the poet intended, rhyme scheme is irrelevant. Poet's main concern is not rhythm or rhyme. It is message not form. Unless of course one is writing concrete poetry. Then form might be more important, But then again such constructions are really not poetry at all. 4. Language: Does the poet use language which distracts? If the poet sets the mode in archaic, then we should not criticize him for word inversion because that is the style of that period. If he uses it in a modern poem, then we are justified. So consistency and appropriateness should guide us here. Subject: All subjects are the domain of poetry. Love, religion, war, hatred, envy, marital infidelity, existential concerns, the nature of knowledge, the brevity of life etcetera. A poem is not hackneyed or trite simply because it speaks about these ageless subjects. Cliches Cliches are to be avoided. Any cliche found in a poem should be identified as such. Originality of language is to be sought. However, carrying this to the extreme of avoiding previously used words and subjects is carrying this principle too far and can lead to writer's block--especially in fledgling poets who do not have the needed skill to avoid each and every word used as in a cliche which is an impossible undertaking anyway. ITALICS: basics critique etiquette - ... Would you take advice from someone who knows all the basics of writing, but has ... Writing groups, however, are not the place I would want to receive a critique ... http://www.purplepens.com/essays/critique.htm |
||
|
Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
I'm reminded of Suzanne Vega, or perhaps Vega meets Tolkien?  I don't dislike this poem, it does work in a certain sense, but I found that it doesn't say anything particularly new, I see no change, no something that was unexpected:quote: I like this. The second line immediately made me think, "Why would they protest?" They are veterans after all. Unfortunately, I don't think that you've satisfied my curiosity. quote: Too much alliteration and assonance-- burnised, burnt, brown etc.-- but I like the shift to 'golden' here, a nice surprise and a good use of line breaks. quote: Rather than focusing on the battle, I kind of wish you would have focused more on this relationship. quote: Wow! the Sun has more personality than these blokes. Remember that the most boring character in Paradise Lost is God. Also, I'm really not a big fan of this type of 'Staunch as Truth' or 'steadfast as Right' construction. It sounds great initially but what does it really show the reader? If you want to personify Truth or Right, fine but describe them as people, not people as them. quote: Yeah, this is pretty much a storm as Rob says. quote: This is okay. As you've already pointed out you're intentionally trying to muddy up the waters a bit. That's fine but I've given up on any personality here. I find it hard to see anybody 'gladly' dieing for anything. quote: Yeah, I can see this as a wheat or corn field, but that doesn't fit staunch and steadfast. Sand dunes are golden but they're also flexible. If we go with a rock outcropping, a grouping of pyramids, a church or something like that, it's hard to picture thousands and still more. So, I would suggest you have too much ambiguity between the numbers and the actions of the golden Veterans. Do you see what I'm trying to get at? |
||
|
Capricious Member
since 2002-09-14
Posts 89California, USA |
Radrook, Rob, Brad: Thank you for your replies and your honesty. This poem is about a vignette that I see and admire on the way to work every day; specifically, an expanse of pasture covering rolling foothills. The blades of grass, bleached golden by the sun and short-cropped by the cattle, are your "golden veterans." The Silver Queen symbolizes one of our torrential but infrequent thunderstorms. Her legions are of course the raindrops, etc. Again, my pride compels me to emphasize that this is a VERY rough draft. That being said, on a second and third reading I find that I made quite a few errors that even a rough draft cannot excuse! S1: Line two does indeed state the obvious. Line three is a bit overdone with the alliteration; I believe I shall restore the original version of it (lighter on the adjectives). Is line 5 as awkward with "daily down" as I think it is? Line 7 is definately the thorn in my side in this stanza. It was written thus specifically to preserve the rhyme sceme; sadly I can attribute no other merits to it. Suggestions? S2: Brad, I agree that my poor golden vets aren't fun at parties, but I wonder just how much personality I can attribute to a blade of grass? To be honest, I did my best to give them as much of a hive mentality as I could; all identical, weary, staunch, steadfast, etc. I agree with you about the fourth line, though; it's dreadful. I'll see if I can loosen it up a bit and still preserve the personality (or lack thereof). S3: Nothing terribly original here, and the last line reads like a size 6 left shoe on a size 8 right foot. Again, a purely rhyme-scheme line. S4: I can see your qualms about "gladly dying," Brad. Maybe it doesn't work as well in the metaphor as it does in life -- raindrops hitting the ground always struck me as a glad thing; maybe I'm daft. S5: The more I read the first line, the less I like it. As to the rest, the "muttering" is of course the thunder moving away, and the veterans do nothing so exciting as celebrate victory ... it's back to status quo, as though the rain had never been. That was my intent in a nutshell. While I agree that I could have developed my characters much more, I hesitate to write a 15-minute poem about a 5-minute storm. Even so, I concede that I was heavy-handed with cliche and not superbly original in any line or image. I think I'll try a non-rhymed version as well as revamping this one. Thank you all for your input. 'P |
||
|
|
⇧ top of page ⇧ |
|
| All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format. | ||
