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Critical Analysis #2
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Echordor
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Echordor |
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Marshalzu  
since 2001-02-15
Posts 2681Lurking 
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Echordor In the land of Echordor Five Kingdoms grew like none before Nan Nimrant, Amon Caran Rhun Esgal and Talath Galan And of the darkest Gordeldor That lies the furthest from the shore Where monsters waken from their sleep And dark blood rising from the deep Seek to rule for evermore Over all of Echordor Over dwarf, elf, beast and man From Talath Galan to Amon Caran From the sky unto the floor Spread the hands of Gordeldor. Beneath the seven towers of white That sparkle in the blackest night Sits the king of noble men In the city of Naadwen Beneath the quilted sky of grey Seeps the broken light of day As the biting chill from distant lands Brings with it the evil hands That seek to slay the noble king So that in the chaos that they bring May the dark prince rise once more From the depths of Gordeldor Whilst all is still within the light The dark hand moves within the night In the shadows they are found Or in the depths of underground The evil spreading through the land With the reach of the dark hand So that the evil prince can reign And bring to all a life of pain And rot away the purest core That is the evil of Gordeldor As the fire builds in his heart The evil forces tear apart The sacred gardens of the elves Where no man or dwarf would ever delve In the forest of Brethildor That watches over all Echordor In the pools of Turaelin Stands the mighty Morodin With the Witch Queen Morwen Who is the fear of mortal men Raping ancient elven glades With their rusty iron blades Destroying it for evermore That is the wrath of Gordeldor Four princes ride with armies four To the throne of Echordor Prince KHalin from Rhun Esgal Where flows the river of Tirthal Rode with seven thousand men Through the valley of the weeping glen To escape the fury of Gordeldor That chased their heels to Brethildor From Nan Nimrant Prince Talin fled Fighting through the rising dead With ten thousand came his host To the fortress on the coast Prince Featur came flew by eagles wing With all the men that he could bring From his city Emyn Harost Where many of his men were lost Then came Prince Valerian From the Plains of Talath Galan There weary feet passed through the dales From where they could see the mighty sails That lay floating upon the Haradduin Where they might find the mighty ruin the seven towers of brilliant white So on they marched all through the night Until they reached the mighty door Where guardsmen watched for Gordeldor From the north where cold winds blow Came the wizards from the snow When months before they did begin Aehercnian and Calderirein Baldaelf, Uleastus and AldCnawan Came the five wizards of man The powerful magic of their spells Shined bright upon the darkest fells And brought hope to all of Echordor Beneath the shadow of Gordeldor Morodin rode with Morwen Against the white city of men With living and dead they crossed the plain The land heaving under the strain As one hundred thousand crossed the land As Morodin had long since planned To take the throne of Echordor With his dark army of Gordeldor From the mountains came surprise As beneath their own very eyes Came the dwarfs from underground With the ancient weapons they found To fight and die with those brave men Who had once fought with Denduren Against the horrors of the deep That now had woken from their sleep And so the fate of the lands Was held within their very hands And here rallied all of Echordor Before the great army of Gordeldor Beneath the seven towers of white Came the army of eternal night To fight elves, dwarf and man From Nan Nimrant to Amon Caran Came the heroes from the lands To fight the evil at their hands With mighty axe, bow and blade From the mountains to the sacred glade Came the allies of Echordor And never had they seen before Such a mighty host arrayed Against the master of the decayed And so stood mighty Echordor Against the evil Gordeldor Moridin stood beneath the towers white That still shone upon his knights And so he let out his mighty rage And freed the army from it’s cage As the monsters let out a howl or bark And charged with the army of the dark Against the silver armoured men Outnumbered still by one to ten But mighty bows hurled arrows true And many monsters the bowmen slew But still the army charged on And soon the arrows were all gone But axe and blade were quickly drawn And new hope came within the dawn As the wizards sent forth fire And ten thousand burned upon the pyre And with the bravery of Echordor So waned the power of Gordeldor Morwen came forth and cast her spells And brought forth demons of hell And witch and wizard battle sought And with passion they all fought As undead met with mortal men At the entrance to Naadwen Beneath the shining silver gate Did ten thousand blades clash in hate As Prince Talin with ten thousand strode Along the ancient dwarfen road Into the heart of the army of dread Where he turned the green field, red And sought the evil of Morodin Where all the trouble did begin And silence fell upon the field As neither of them would yield But Morodin with evil power Slew the hero of the towers Who gave his life for Echordor Against his brother of Gordeldor And upon seeing his noble death They wasted not a single breath And the ten thousand charged in hate Against the army at the gate And leading them young Prince Valerian With the mighty sword of Cleofan And the shield of Osgond on his arm To shield him from the evil harm Strode the young prince to his brothers grave Where his slaughter a path was paved So with vengeance in his eyes He looked to the blackened skies And charged forth at Morodin With blood still dripping from Talin And in the growing light Beneath the seven towers of white Raged a battle between the two And with time their anger grew And Morodin slashed out too far And struck the shield of shining star With Valerian Struck for Echordor And slayed the master of Gordeldor Upon their evil masters demise They saw the fury in the eyes Of dwarf, of Elf and man From Nan Nimrant and Amon Caran And weakened they tried to flee But in the depths of the melee An elven force was behind their rear And with no where to disappear They fought and died where they stood Against the masters of the wood And so the elves of Brethildor Had found revenge against Gordeldor In the land of Echordor Five Kingdoms grew like none before Nan Nimrant, Amon Caran Rhun Esgal and Talath Galan And of the lightest Gordeldor That lies the furthest from the shore Where the trees grow to the sky Under the watch of Elven eye To replace the loss of Brethildor At the hands of Gordeldor and dwarf, elf, beast and man From Talath Galan to Amon Caran In the sky and under the floor In harmony live in Echordor. __________________________________________ I only posted this recently but I'm really looking for some in depth comments, I know thats it's mega long but I'd really appreciate some feedback as I'm thinking about attempting something even longer than this. Oh and any suggestions about the title? I'd like to change it. Andrew Always and forever [This message has been edited by Marshalzu (10-12-2002 10:52 AM).] |
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| © Copyright 2002 Andrew Sewell - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Robtm1965 Member
since 2002-08-20
Posts 263 |
Andrew Unfortunately I am possibly not the person to give you in depth comments. I did read to the end but I admit with some difficulty. Although your meter and rhythm are pretty consistent (perhaps too consistent) the rhyming couplets became rather monotonous after two or three stanzas. In particular the "or" sounds reverberated around the poem so much that they kind of dominated to the point of distraction. My other major problem with this is that it is a narrative poem. Nothing else. This means it relies almost entirely on the storyline to maintain interest, and quite frankly if you were totally honest you would have to admit that this is Lord of the Rings with the names changed (a little) all compressed into a few lines of rhyming verse: Bad guys (witches goblins etc) attack good guys (elves wizards men etc) - bad guys nearly win but good guys are saved at last moment by hero with magic shield and sword with silly name ("Cleofan" sounds a little like an air-conditioning unit. Sorry, I don’t mean to be flippant, but I had the storyline by the end of the second stanza and I was pretty much right. So in essence I’d say that you write well, but, that like any storytelling, you need to come up with something reasonably original. And in passing it occurs to me that I’m doing the very thing I told Severn in another thread that you shouldn’t do, which is to condemn a whole genre of storytelling to death by cliche. But really, with Tolkien so much at the front of all our minds right now I would suggest you try and find something a little different. Regards Rob [This message has been edited by Robtm1965 (10-12-2002 02:25 PM).] |
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Marshalzu
since 2001-02-15
Posts 2681Lurking |
Thank you for your reply, I am in total agreement that it is a little too tolkienesque, too predictable and all of the other things, but It was meant to be a short(long) story and somewhere along the line Tolkien kind of hijacked it  and I want to know how to get away from that. Where are the goblins? |
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Radrook Senior Member
since 2002-08-09
Posts 648 |
Suggestions: 1. Include fewer characters 2. Vary the word choice. The word "evil" for example is repeated too often as is the number ten-thousand. 3. The second battle seems like a monotonous unnecessary repetition of the first. If indeed it must be included it has to stand out as totally different to avoid reader boredom. 4. The more complicated the character names the harder it is for the reader to remember to whom they are referring--especially when no characterization has not been used to fix them clearly in reader memory. So it's either fewer names or stronger characterization. 5. You need to use more adjectives with your nouns. BTW Your choice of rhyming scheme did not bother me at all. It adds drama to the story. IMHO [This message has been edited by Radrook (10-13-2002 01:50 PM).] |
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Robtm1965 Member
since 2002-08-20
Posts 263 |
Marshal "Where are the goblins?" Believe me, where there are wizards witches dwarfs and elves there are also goblins somewhere!! Interestingly I think you just illustrated the problem I was getting at. This is just so similar to other stuff like it that I am assuming things which "fit" with the cliche which is fixed in my mind. I actually agree with most of the previous reviewer's comments for improvement. But if I were you I'd go for a completely different story line as well as the other things he suggests. Regards Rob [This message has been edited by Robtm1965 (10-13-2002 07:14 AM).] |
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