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Multiplicity
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Multiplicity |
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Christopher
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-08-02
Posts 8296Purgatorial Incarceration 
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Multiplicity ©2002 C.G. Ward the sky bleeds peace, monochrome rustling breaking rainbows of: a} cheek to chest, she wept. I asked if tears could encourage the growth of happiness. her lips - thin and thoughtful - grew taut, funneling grief between ridges of experience. 'ask about the night,' she replied, tightening the grip of her teeth on my soul. 'talk about sorrow, shame, tomorrow… or never - but leave joy to those in need. I cry my mind for me and happiness is a myth I wouldn't chase with God at my side.' clouds, like sentinels, watch for a break of darkness in the midst of a dying star. b} I watch, staring cracked through a windshield and over the fading red of a distant hood. asphalt beckons the wheels, spurning thoughts forward on steel rims and thirty-five pounds of air. but the engine is silent and my tank is empty. static, they cling to memories of mist seeding the sky with a duplicity of balance: c} on the left, a woman. burned-blond and striding with a purpose not reflected in her eyes. the masses mock with lewd thoughts and come-ons like clowns let loose in a store full of toys. appreciative, my gaze follows. not for her graceful gait, but for the ability of Intention beneath brows of Failure. I can relate to that. ---Playing around with some new things here. I don't know how successful this will be, though I'm not completely unhappy with this first attempt. Still, I would like some opinions and input. Thanks, Chris [This message has been edited by Christopher (10-10-2002 03:01 AM).] |
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Kunoichi Junior Member
since 2002-08-17
Posts 10US of A |
Yes, I loved this immensely. Now, for the reasons why..Teehee. The beginning immediately requests the imagination of the reader to start turning it's wheels. Your diction is excellent. The "monochrome rustling breaking rainbows of" is fantastic. Choosing monochrome to accentuate rustling really makes the "rainbows" scatter to pieces. Wow, really awesome there..and only three lines into the poem! I'm curious about the choice of the a}, b}, etc. You did end the beginning stanza with "breaking rainbows of.." Therefore, the rainbows contain such things as you describe? I'm sorry if I'm being dense. Just trying to make the connection. A} is wonderful. I like the description of the woman, her features, and her actions and words. quote: For some reason, the distinct image of a woman's lips, forming that thin line and actually doing as you say became extremely vivid. I like imagery. Makes the world go 'round.  Moving on.The raw emotion that she replies with in the subsequent stanza is very wow. The choice of italics actually added, if that can be understood. What was neat for me individually, is that I usually relate italics to thoughts..So, when I read it, it seemed like you were reading her mind..or rather, she was allowing you to. Hmm..nice. Then the last lines about the clouds being related to sentinels is simple but very nice as well. (Why can't I find anything to critique yet?) b} is very good as well. Your selection of detail is awesome. Cars really aren't my favorite thing in the world, but the effort you put into every crevice really lured my senses..not so much to know the car, but to know about the car, where it's been with you in it. The last stanza in b} is good, but when you say "they" are you referring to the wheels? For me (even though it's very early) that was semi-difficult to connect. Took me a moment or two before I realized. I like how you ended with "duplicity of balance." Muy nice.  I love the beginning of c}..I wonder, though, what you meant by "burned-blond." My very first image was dark blond..but I guess you could also think of the bleach it takes to make someone blond. Hmm..anywho. quote: This reminded me of how people go through life with goals, but not really their own..fulfilling dreams that they never had, but someone made for them. The following stanza really adds to that and seems to really mirror how I've seen stuff..at least at school. Hah. High schoolers. But yes, awesome. Then the last stanza before the concluding line is great..The capitilization of Intention and Failure kind of give life to the words. Good job appreciating her instead of gawking. And finally, ending with "I can relate to that.." It's a good ending. It's short, sweet, to the point..but there's a certain eloquence to it. I think due to the entirety of the poem, how much you gave, and that all of it was observation..very vivid observation. Well done. I loved it thoroughly. I'm sorry I couldn't critique. |
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hush Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653Ohio, USA |
I don't know how I feel about this. Your format confuses me- I was trying to work out what you're trying to do with it, and I can't. I think a straight-up outline form would be cool, but my problem is this- between the indented sections of a, b,andc, you have unindented stanzas. I'm not sure if you meant for those to work as Roman numerals would in an actual outline, i.e.: I a} II b} But that doesn't make any sense, because each new Roman numeral section would restart the alphabet. I thought maybe the unindented sections were meant as notes independent of the outlined sections (I do that all the time) but that's no good, because the section before part c ends with a colon, leading the reader to believe that it necessarily precedes part c. So I'm left going "huh?" As far as the actual writing goes: 'the sky bleeds peace, monochrome rustling breaking rainbows of:' I'm not exactly sure what you mean here, but I'm wagering that that's kinda the point- that is, I'm supposed to interpret it. Maybe not, though? Sometimes I tend to see things at face value when other people interpret their deeper meanings effortlessly. In any case, I have this image of the (monochrome) scene in Schindler's List where the guy tastes the "snowflakes," but I'm imagining the grey sky breaking open and color flooding out of it, signifying a salvation of sorts- that is, the sky bleeding peace means the end of a war or struggle. I also imagine that everyone's so used to black and white that they don't exactly know how to react to the onslaught of an actual spectrum... may or may not have been what you meant, but I think one of the ideas with phrasing things in this way is that the reader creates the image based on associations more than the writer's exact decription... I like part a in relation to the introductory lines. I imagine this guy, (a soldier, perhaps? A long-lost husband?) holding the woman who has either been victim of this battle (I keep getting this WWII imagery, not sure why) or has been waging it- in that scenario, the battle being one with emotions, where she fought for happiness, and now that peace is accessible to her, she won't have any part of it. 'clouds, like sentinels, watch for a break of darkness in the midst of a dying star.' It's not clear to me whether this image is meant to be associated with section a,b, both, or neither. Content really isn't much of a tip off, either... to sum it up... I don't get it. Section b is my favorite, wording-wise. Very clever... I get the feeling that the woman has left the speaker now- I just really like the way you developed this part. 'static, they cling to memories of mist seeding the sky with a duplicity of balance:' Actually, I think 'they' is referring to the clouds in the previous unindented section- the 'memories of mist' kind of point that way... now, at this point, I could kinda see the unindented parts of the poem being meant as background- but you break the theme with the next one: 'the masses mock with lewd thoughts and come-ons like clowns let loose in a store full of toys' And besides that, there is the beginning: 'the sky bleeds peace, monochrome rustling breaking rainbows of:' Which, to me, implies that the a, b, and c are the actual breaking rainbows- but to me, these hardly signify peace. So, was the first stanza meant to be sarcastic? Or is 'breaking rainbows of' supposed to chronologically lead into 'clouds?' Is the colon just whacky fun with punctuation? Man, am I ever confused... Anyway, the bit about balance seems to lead right into c... the speaker is balancing his lost love with a rebound-girl (or so it seems to me) but in the second part of c he looks to her Intention hidden beneath her Failure- very noble indeed- but the last line: 'I can relate to that.' This interested me because it can be interpreted two ways- either that the speaker can realte to the clowns in the toy store, or (more interesting, in my opinion) that the writer can relate to the speaker- I've always thought it was cool when a writer actually writes himself, as a writer, into a story (i.e. Vonnegut in Breakfast of Champions) and I think that would be interesting in a narrative-style poem like this. Okay, I wrote a lot and I don't even WANT to know how many typo's are floating around up there in late-night-too-lazy-to-open-up-Word-to-spellcheck land... (or too late to make ANY SENSE land where I am right here, lol) but, uh, bottom line for me is this: Interesting (but confusing [confounding!]) format- really neat imagery and wording- not really sure what story you're trying to tell here, or what the point of the poem is, or is this is one of those poems meant to be so widely interpreted that it has no real tangible and finite POINT.... or... let's try this again... bottom line is that I am interested but CONFUSED. I'd like to hear a little bit from you on what you meant this poem to mean, and what you were trying to do with the format. Hope I've helped. |
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Robtm1965 Member
since 2002-08-20
Posts 263 |
Christopher Like Hush I am one confused (but not totally dissatisfied) reader. I suppose the opening, given the colon, is the set up for the following stanzas, each one somehow a component part of the “rainbow” in S1. I’m also guessing that the right justified sections are a continuing commentary following on from S1, a sort of progress report at the end of each section or something. Obviously for some reason you wanted to introduce an formulaic dimension into this by lettering the stanzas. And the final line is very business-like. Entirely out of keeping with most of the language in the body of the poem but fitting with the orderly/impersonal quality imparted by the paragraphing. (I don’t like it though). I’ve noticed that many of your poems comprise a curious mixture of the totally abstract and the very concrete. A mixture which I freely admit I find jarring verging on the irritating. Which is kind of strange really as one of my favorite poets Wallace Stevens often did that - but then I guess he had had more practice! This poem is no exception to that mixture and I find myself oscillating between liking and hating your diction. It doesn’t surprise me at all that the section Hush liked best b) was also the section I liked best. It has the most straightforward images but in doing so says much more complex things in a comprehensible way. When you go off into this: “ask about the night,' she replied, tightening the grip of her teeth on my soul. 'talk about sorrow, shame, tomorrow…… or never - but leave joy to those in need. I cry my mind for me and happiness is a myth I wouldn't chase with God at my side.'” and this: “appreciative, my gaze follows. not for her graceful gait, but for the ability of Intention beneath brows of Failure.” I get seriously impatient, and I think that the reason is not so much that you are writing particularly badly or complete nonsense, but more that you simply don’t yet have the experience to write in this way without sounding a little pretentious and awkward. Having said that, you seem to be trying to do something that I have rarely seen done well which is to blend intellectual complexity with lyrical beauty, and language that also gives the reader a powerful visceral experience. Part of the “problem” here for me is that there is insufficient blending - the closure particularly seems just too blatant. Perhaps that’s what you intended, but right now it doesn’t work for me. As for what it all means: I have very little idea about what you had in mind, and right now that doesn’t bother me half as much as the stiltedness of the stilted parts. Regards Rob |
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Christopher
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-08-02
Posts 8296Purgatorial Incarceration |
Thank you for your thoughtful replies, all. I will be back soon to address your comments and to explain a bit of what I was attempting. Chris |
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lizzy-luv Junior Member
since 2002-10-12
Posts 20new hampshire..oh, the hicks abound |
i really like this. just the blatent display of emotion that threads it all together. i disagree that the format is confusing. well, it is. but it didn't distract me. i like your use of the reader's imagination. you get an A! 'love is a dangerous angel'(Fransesca Lia Block) |
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Capricious Member
since 2002-09-14
Posts 89California, USA |
Heyas. Let’s see what we have here, shall we? the sky bleeds peace, monochrome rustling breaking rainbows of: The first line is catchy, if a bit generic. The rustling of monochromes and breaking rainbows I liked about as much as the semi-dangling participle and the awkward colon (ack, sounds painful!) a} No. This brings back memories of middle school and teachers with too much starch in their panties. I want a poem, not an outline … cheek to chest, she wept. I asked if tears could encourage the growth of happiness. her lips - thin and thoughtful - grew taut, funneling grief between ridges of experience. While I do understand that [her] cheek to [my] chest is implied here, I must admit I had a very comical vision of a contortionist before my logical side kicked in. The rest of it flowed well, though “encourage the growth of happiness” sounds like something out of a fertilizer label. Trim it down and it will gain power methinks. 'ask about the night,' she replied, tightening the grip of her teeth on my soul. 'talk about sorrow, shame, tomorrow… or never - but leave joy to those in need. I cry my mind for me and happiness is a myth I wouldn't chase with God at my side.' Heartily enjoyed this with the exception of the sorrow/tomorrow rhyme (intentional?) – “… is a myth I wouldn’t chase/with God at my side” was absolutely delicious. clouds, like sentinels, watch for a break of darkness in the midst of a dying star. ‘The midst of a dying star’? Groan! I assume you mean the sun here. The reference to darkness more than confuses the issue, and “midst” is about the second-to-last word I would have chosen to use here … ranking somewhere between “keister” and “herring.”  b} Ack. I watch, staring cracked through a windshield and over the fading red of a distant hood. asphalt beckons the wheels, spurning thoughts forward on steel rims and thirty-five pounds of air. The first line is superfluous; you’re staring, it stands to reason you’re watching something. Maybe dropping it will make “distant hood” less jarring (drive one of those long American cars, do you?) I am also curious about “spurning” in the 6th line ... did you mean to say “spurring” (to stimulate, goad, encourage)? I fail to see how “spurn” (to rebuff, scorn, despise) fits in here. but the engine is silent and my tank is empty. Bummer. static, they cling to memories of mist seeding the sky with a duplicity of balance: Who is “they?” The tires? The thoughts? The rainbows?? c} Did I mention “ugh?” on the left, a woman. burned-blond and striding with a purpose not reflected in her eyes. Uhm, well, ok, but “reflected in her eyes” comes dangerously close to being hideously cliché. “Belied by her eyes” maybe? Not that it’s much better … the masses mock with lewd thoughts and come-ons like clowns let loose in a store full of toys. Ah, the unwashed masses. Filthy things. I don’t think you meant to convey flocks of drooling lechers, however, as would be associated with “masses.” The image you’ve set up here is a very quiet and personal one – don’t ruin it with such an impersonal audience, at least not directly. Refer to her experience with the masses, maybe. Let them haunt her eyes, since you seem so enamored with them. Just don’t have them following her en masse down the street. appreciative, my gaze follows. not for her graceful gait, but for the ability of Intention beneath brows of Failure. I can relate to that. Not too bad on the finale, though I’d suggest swapping lines 1 and 2 so as to make the tone more conversational. The rest of the piece was pretty casual, and that lonely adjective seems pretty, well, lonely. I would also replace the “for” with “of,” since (I believe) the adjective “appreciative” begs an “of,” whereas “grateful” goes well with “for:” “My gaze follows, appreciative not of her graceful gait … “ I’ll let my linguistic betters have the last word there, though. |
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Christopher
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-08-02
Posts 8296Purgatorial Incarceration |
Ok - I'm not really sure how to do this, as these replies are fairly varied. So - I'll post a mildly modified version, explain my intentions, then address the replies one by one. If I repeat myself… well, that's only a sin if it's unintentionally done in poetry (like the word "watch" before and at Section B  ).quote:  As you can see in the above-modified version, the section that had previously been fully left justified in the middle of "C" has now been fixed. That was an error on my part (tabs from MS Word don't translate here and I must have missed going back to "space" that one with the others; it looked right in Word, but not here). Taking that into account, perhaps we can see the "shape" of the rainbow a little bit more. I considered pushing "clouds, / like sentinels, / etc" out to further enhance this, but though it might be a bit much as the "rainbow" portion was intended to be derived more from wording and intent than actual visual presentation. To wit - It's not a little ironic it was noted that the "formula" went: Abstract - Concrete - Abstract. That was intentional, to further represent the arching of a rainbow. This ties in with the "outline" format (that I may change, it just seemed to make it easier to see from my vp at the time, though it seems to have proved more distracting than helpful). The intention was as follows: background-(introduction) / abstract-(past) / background / concrete- (present) / background / abstract-(future) / conclusion-(personal association) By following this with imagery of the sky (reflexive metaphors included), I was hoping to set a solid tone for my exploration. Seems I might have made it a bit too vague, eh? In intent, this was supposed to be like three snapshot reflections of a person's life, followed by the author's [my] personal association served as a conclusion. In line with that, it was also supposed to follow through as a cohesive whole, the interludes (background) serving also as a connector to the next part. I can see now (thanks to a few comments on this) that the part I failed this the most is following Section B, where I used "they," which not only was confusing (to everyone except me, lol) but also precludes the possibility of Section C standing alone. My bad, will certainly address that. Each background piece, as I said, is used to lead into the following section as well as help tie into the previous (with the obvious exception of the first, which is intended to both lead into the next as well as set the tone and provide a "feeling" for Section A). Section A is shown to be a piece of this person's past, where things started to "break apart" (reference Background-Intro). It is a portion of a conversation recalled that is the epitome of the "breaking" for this person. She had told him that "happiness" was something she could never attain. (Paraphrased a bit, lol). Background prior to Section B leads directly into the next as an interlude of time passing - he can see this relationship as a dying star (which is perhaps a bit cliché, now that I see it), leading to this guy sitting in his vehicle, trying to find the ambition to move forward. This is what is happening in the present. I can see clearly now where I messed up on the transition in the next part here. My original intent was to refer once more to the clouds (as hush suggested) but not only is it too ambiguous, but as I mentioned earlier defies the intent as a whole. Oops. The future, Section C, is this guy seeing a woman as she proves her momentum - even though there's that in her past which makes it "hard" to do so. It is motivation without emotional motivators - the ability to move on despite having an "empty tank." This is the subject viewing that with appreciation, because that's what he is hoping to be able to accomplish. Then the final, is [me] saying that I can relate to the piece as a whole - which I can. It was meant to be the proverbial pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. Again, seems I may have missed my mark on that a bit - too vague once again. *smile* Kunoichi - Thank you very much for your appreciation and comments. Particularly helpful was the notice of "they" as I mentioned above. I hadn't realized that it would be so confusing. I thank you for pointing it out. "Burned-blond" is a term we use here in California to mean exactly that - bleached. LOL - teach me - never considered it wouldn't be a common term. I'm considering changing it, but bleached-blond just sounds icky to me… any suggestions? The next bit was dead on, thanks! Don't worry about "critique" - that's just a word. Providing such great input as you did (telling me what you saw, how you felt, etc.) is just as good (and sometimes better) than telling me what you see wrong. Again, thank you. hush - Haven't we been here before? Do you think it's clearer now that I fixed that part in Section C? Or do you still find it confusing (discounting my explanation of course)? I can easily see now how your mind might have wanted to read the "background pieces" as subsets - something I never thought of as I put it out there. Glad you pointed that out. Let me know what you think, because obviously I need to address this format - maybe keep the indentations but remove the notations? Any ideas? Secondly - I really, really liked you loose interpretation. I even wish I could take credit for that… lol, but that was nowhere near my intent. Looking at it following your explanation though, I can see it, though I believe one would have to have that image placed in their head subconsciously. As to the beginning - yeah, it's partially left to you to interpret, but it also doesn't necessarily have a concrete meaning - more to the point of introducing a mood in which one should have carry over into the next part, gaining the sensation of something "peaceful" falling apart. It's a very generic (as Capricious said) metaphor with an intent aimed more toward functionality rather than intrinsic value - something I should perhaps address. I think your thoughts were very helpful. I do often write in a very vague fashion that all but forces a reader to draw their own conclusions (I even think I've succeeded once or twice, lol). That wasn't my intention here though. I did want to maintain a bit of the vagueness, to allow for someone to place it in perspective of their own lives, but not so much so that they end up confounded. You giving me what you saw and the pieces that threw you off is very helpful, so that maybe I can go back and address that. Peace and thank you very much! Rob - Yeah, I think you're right to be confused. It was so clear in my mind too… heh. I agree that the last line is out of whack with the rest - with the intent of separating it (the point of view) from the rest. Without having to describe that it was now "me" talking, I wanted to be able to show that. I opted for a change in language. Any suggestions on how to address that? Wallace Stevens - lol@more practice. That's possible, though I'm not a newbie at this either. I have found though that this is a matter of preference (as with other things). Many people, including myself, like that jarring - kind of like a movie or a good novel will give you ups and downs, providing some good contrasts inside itself without spelling it out in words. To me, that also represents life - a lot of this a lot of that, a bit of everything. That's how I choose to represent it. I will have to look into Stevens though, because it's likely I will appreciate him due to that very reason. I think one of the biggest problems we're encountering is the difference of appreciation. I am very keen on abstracts, whereas you seem a lot more particular about their usage. For the sake of my understanding, can you explain and point out what you mean by the following: quote:In my mind, I can see that there is a lot said with those concrete images you're referring to… BUT - I can see a lot more in the abstracts of the first and final sections. The abstracts allow me to not only present a first and "in-your-face" message, but to also allude to and intertwine various other messages, layering intent with a few words. Maybe giving me examples of what you mean here would help me understand your points more clearly. No offense meant Rob - but perhaps you should consider doing the same with your replies: you sound a bit pretentious and awkward as well. I have been writing poetry (uhm, if some of my older stuff could be called that) for over fifteen years now. Of course that doesn't mean I've written good poetry for that long, or even at all. But I do have experience. Enough to pull off the blend you're talking about? I think so - I've had several very successful poems done in exactly that fashion. You may not agree with that, which is certainly ok - it's subjective too. That I didn't in this one is ok - as I said, I was going for something a bit different from what I normally try… not nailing the perfect drive the first time is ok. (lol) Thanks for your time and critique. lizzy-luv - Thank you for reading. Capricious - Hello, welcome to Passions, thanks for tearing me to shreds first thing! You'll fit right in with the rest of my tormentors! You are right, right off the bat. It is generic and intentionally so. I think I will do away with the colon, which seems to not only be painful (lol) but also confusing. As to danglers - well, the intention was to give kind of a storytelling view, where the camera starts off on this guy wandering around (or in his truck)… slowly, the image fades into a remembrance of the past, which is the beginning of Section A. Uhm, didn't work, huh? I get the no outline thing, promise! ROFL@contortionist. Hmm - not sure how to address that though, or even if I should. Adding "his" and "her" looks icky. Suggestions? Hmm - fertilizer… lol, maybe you're just seeing things! Sigh. Hmm… see, that's almost what I wanted. If I take that away, I leave a different image and I'm not sure I want to do that. The point is in the question which is followed by the reply. Happiness is the focal point here… Rhyme was unintentional, though I think I like it. It's mild enough to not be too jarring (I think) and close enough to be easily overlooked (obviously, lol) unless you're thinking of fertilizer. Thank you thank you thank you - That line was my absolute favorite in this piece and I'm glad someone else appreciated it - I proud o' it! Midst of - Yes and no - it also serves as a metaphor for the death of the relationship. Erg - does sound bad now, a bit too clichéd. Though to me "midst" isn't anywhere near "keister" lol. The darkness is just another form of the aftermath of the relationship - representative of this character staring backward while being stuck in the present, searching for a piece of light in the death of the relationship. (I can never write anything happy, I swear). The first line IS superfluous - and will be remedied quickly. It is the remnant of the previous version of that line, something I forgot to change in the edit. I don't like the repetition and agree that it's tautological. Duh. No, I drive a big 'ol truck, a 4x4 SUV. Heh. Spurning - just a play with words - spurring would work, but spurning implies that the character needs to be shamed into motion. He's stuck in a bout of self-pity and needs to be "kicked" out of it. Of course, he excuses it by saying he just doesn't have the motivation (engine silent / tank empty). They - ick. LOL and yes, you had mentioned that you didn't care for the outline portions. LOL Reflected - you're probably right there… I wonder how I can address that. It needs to be something one can see in the woman - and the eyes are the window… blah blah blah. I don't know, I will think about that one, thanks for pointing it out. It may still serve its purpose, though it's cliché. On to the masses - looking at it again, I wonder how it would work without that stanza at all. I like it, but I think you're right about the personal mood we've got going here. Snipping it out might aid that. I'll look at that, because it may not even be necessary to include that contrast. Will see. Thank you again for your wonderful (and wonderfully helpful) critique. Looking forward to seeing more of you. Peace all, Chris |
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