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MY DADDY
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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MY DADDY |
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millercm New Member
since 2002-10-08
Posts 3 |
MY DADDY Daddy, my daddy, I love you so Though it’s been only a short time ago I came into this bright new place On angels’ wings and God’s sweet grace. Daddy, my daddy, so frightened was I Though mommy held me close to her side I opened my eyes, saw your smiling face You held me gently in sweet embrace. I could see the love you have for me As angels smiled watching over me I knew then there was nothing to fear For daddy, my daddy, was oh so near. When mommy told me what happened to you I cried and cried, but then I knew God, my father too, was nearby I felt His hand wipe the tears from my eyes. Because I’m new to this dreadful earth There’s a special bond to God’s glory and worth I still see things others can’t see Still wrapped in innocence, love, peace. Through this special bond He hears my prayers The cry from my heart and He’s much aware That daddy, my daddy needs me too Just as much as I need you. Daddy, my daddy, my prayer for you Is God will heal and see you through For we know not what he has in store But you only need ask and He’ll open the door. Daddy, my daddy, I need you so To be there with me as I grow To teach me the goodness you have inside Embrace me gently with a daddy’s pride. Oh daddy, get well and believe like me God’s always there though you cannot see His fatherly love will see you through To bring you home safely where I wait for you. [This message has been edited by millercm (10-08-2002 04:48 PM).] |
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Robtm1965 Member
since 2002-08-20
Posts 263 |
Miller A lovely lovely job on a heartfelt subject This will appeal to everyone out there in the wonderful word of poesy (except foggy eyed professors of course). Rob "world" even [This message has been edited by Robtm1965 (10-09-2002 11:09 AM).] |
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Radrook Senior Member
since 2002-08-09
Posts 648 |
First, as a father of two daughters I would be a hypocrite if I said I remained totally unmoved by the love and devotion you express toward your father. So on that level you did engage ME as a reader. Since I did send you my suggestions via email having them here now is really superfluous. The space is better used to try and further delve into how this poem might be made better. If we were to try to elevate this poem to the adult readership level. What could we do? First, an adult requires explanations. Every concept he reads will engender the questions of Why? How? When? Where? Who? or else the reaction of "That's impossible, ridiculous, or far-fetched." So simply telling an adult reader that you like your dad will leave the adult reader dissatisfied. In fact, he might just put the poem aside as soon as he sees the regular rhythm it attempts to establish at the outset. So one thing to keep in mind when writing a poem is the intended audience. What is audience's educational level or age ? Please also keep in mind that poetry does not have to be rhymed. Milton wrote Paradise Lost in unrhymed blank verse. That is iambic pentameter. It was not free verse, of course since each line had to have five stressed and five unstressed beats. But it did provide him with far more flexibility than if he had restricted himself to a rhyming pattern. Here are the first lines of that famous poem: Of Mans First Disobedience, and the Fruit Of that Forbidden Tree, whose mortal tast Brought Death into the World, and all our woe, With loss of EDEN, till one greater Man Restore us, and regain the blissful Seat, Notice that he does not rhyme. Staying true to that iambic pentameter pattern is all that is required of blank verse. That is one way of avoiding the singsong pattern that some rhyme schemes tend to create. Below is an example of how your poem written in blank verse might begin. My dearest father that I cherish so despite the briefness of my stay on earth [There you have established the iambic pentameter which blank verse requires you adhere to. But remember, no rhyming is necessary. The poem will become poetic via other means.] [This message has been edited by Radrook (10-12-2002 09:39 PM).] |
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Robtm1965 Member
since 2002-08-20
Posts 263 |
As a father of 3 daughters and a son and grandfather of 4 granddaughters and uncle to 16 nieces and nephews I would have been equally moved by this piece had you written: I love my Daddy. He was there when I was born. He made me feel like I was loved. I was very sad when he died. But I know he is with God. And that he will guard over me. And that one day I will be with him. Regards Rob |
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Radrook Senior Member
since 2002-08-09
Posts 648 |
All I have to say on this is that YOUR composition meets the minimum requirements of poetry while the bland statement offered does not. Would this poem be printed in a literary magazine? No! But it might make it into a children's poetry magazine or anthology and be thoroughly enjoyed by its readers. Of course, it can be written so that it does appeal to a more sophisticated audience. In that case a more indirect way of saying things is called for. That's where the suggestions of the fine poets on this forum would be helpful. Perhaps they will be soon forthcoming. I will circumscribe myself at this point to the consistency of the poem's meter in accordance with the style you chose which is traditional. But everyone else is free to give other helpful advice. [This message has been edited by Radrook (10-12-2002 04:18 PM).] |
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Robtm1965 Member
since 2002-08-20
Posts 263 |
Miller if you are still with us Radrook has sensibly suggested that I give you some further advice so here goes: 1 First of all do not modify or otherwise tamper with this poem 2 Print it out, frame it and hang it under glass in a conspicuous position 3 Go out and buy: A Poetry Handbook Mary Oliver In the Palm of Your Hand:The Poet's Portable Workshop Steve Kowit 4 Read them both and do all the exercises in Kowit’s book 5 Contemporaneously with 4. above read lots and lots of contemporary poetry. Preferably buy or borrow Collections of poems by specific poets, if you can’t do that get a good anthology or two to start with. If you want to know what to read I can suggest a reading list. 6 Do this for at least a year. 7 Go and stand in front of the poem you framed. If you still like it repeat steps 4 and 5. If you want to take it down and hide it proceed to step 8. 8 Write another poem about your Daddy and post it in this forum. 9 Bask in the glow of many and excellent reviews. |
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Radrook Senior Member
since 2002-08-09
Posts 648 |
I agree. Books on how to write poetry as well as the reading of the master poets are indeed helpful. I have studied and read my share so I know. Unfortunately, no book will prepare EVERYONE to churn out identical high-quality literary-styled poetry. In fact, after reading the suggested books, you might just decide that free verse sucks big time. Or you might decide that traditional poetry sucks big time. In either case, that will be your choice and you are definitely entitled to it. Then you will proceed to produce another poem about your dad which might be or might not be better than the one you have here. If it is chock full of metaphors, and similes, and other such poetic devices, it might be considered a better poem when you return it here. Definitely true. But that STILL would not make your present effort WORTHLESS. As I said, there are different audiences with different needs and different levels of comprehension. As a genre, poetry must appeal to a wide audience just as fiction and fact prose writing does. That is why when we go to the library the children's section is separated from the adult's. To set an inflexible standard which negates the value of simply worded poetry is therefore unrealistic. The world is not composed only of highbrowed professors editing literaries in the vaunted hallowed halls of academe. Of course, send your poem to one of these and it will be probably thrown in the wastebasket as would the majority of poems written in this forum. However, I do not consider your expressions worthless. In fact, I do not even know your age, your educational background. So it would be for me rather shortsighted to proclaim your poem worthless and to refuse not to offer not even some advise so that you can make it a little better. But then again, I am not a poet laureate nor a college professor head of a university English Department. So my standards are more on the realistic side of the conundrum and not so much fettered by the strictures of what is considered by the elite few as poetically kosher.. You see, I recognize that every poet is at a different level of development and will write accordingly. Based on this, then, I evaluate his work and do not shine the full glare of literary exigencies upon it. If I did, I would wind up discouraging a fledgling poet more than I would helping him to continue his attempts at writing poetry. So my modus operandi always takes this particular aspect into consideration. Poets who come here come for advice--not to bask in the glow of excellent reviews. Some will arrive with considerable skill knowing and hoping that their work will be honestly but respectfully criticized. Others, the less skilled ones, know that the criticism will be more extensive and hope that they will receive at least a some assistance. Actually, to turn up our noses at these and tell them to go buy a book and come back when their poetry is better works against the purpose of this forum -- to help poets write better poetry. That is my humble opinion. But then again, I am not the resident poet Laureate. [This message has been edited by Radrook (10-13-2002 04:35 AM).] |
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brian madden Member Elite
since 2000-05-06
Posts 4374ireland |
Hi Miller. You have taken on a difficult task here, the writing of a tribute to a loved one. Strong emotions, such as love and hate, are often in danger of being clichés, because these are the two emotions that are the most written about. Your piece faces another problem, Rhyme. Many people when they start writing make the mistake of believing that a poem must rhyme. As Radrook pointed out you can use other methods instead of rhyme. A poem with good rhyme is a very hard thing to do right. If you look at the poetry of William Blake, Dylan Thomas and even the verses of Lewis Carroll and see how they handled rhyme. Ok to the poem itself. First all I don’t know your age, this poem seems to be written by a young person. Language and style indicate this. I am not making comments about younger poets and their ability, everyone progresses at their own level, it just that younger poets are still finding the voice which comes with time and experience. Also if this is a tribute to your father and not a work of fiction then maybe you should not post it here in Crit. It is hard to submit poems for critique that might be very close to your heart. People will try and advise you on improving the poem which might mean examining the poem very closely. If this is a work of fiction and you are a young poet, just realise that it is hard to write about something that you have not experienced. With all this said I offer my thoughts on the poem, I am treating this as I would any other poem here. I hope that what I have to say will be helpful. My first thought is that the rhyme is not working, it weakens the impact of the poem, you seem to be writing to suit the rhyme and not using the rhyme that suits your writing. First line “Daddy, my daddy, I love you so” There are no rules against the word “love” in a poem, but words like “heart, soul, love” can be cliché. Also you are telling the reader that the speaker loves their father. Instead try and show them. Think of how all things related to the speaker’s relationship with their father, all the things that show how you love him. Also see if you can use images, metaphors. e.g.: Maybe the father is like an oak tree and the speaker is a bird that nested in his branches. I think you show the reader too early that the father of the speaker is in heaven. It might be more interesting to show that the father is missing, slowly reveal through the poem that the father is in Heaven. Poetry is like writing a story, you don’t want to give the reader too much too soon. You have to keep their interest until the end. Another point this line “Because I’m new to this dreadful earth” clashes with the rest of the poem, We have images of heaven, angels that fill the poem And then one line with the image “dreadful earth.” You need to work this into the poem earlier and not just in one line, the world is dreadful because the father of the speaker is in heaven, though the speaker knows the father is with good. The change between sorrow and acceptance shifts far too quickly. Similar problems run through the rest of the poem. The poem tells the audience instead of showing. Also I felt it was too long, perhaps because I knew what the poem was about by the second verse. I disagree with the shortened version that Rob suggested. If you fully explored the poem then the length would be ok. In finishing I looked at this poem from a critical point of view. I hope that I have managed to be of some help. El riesgo vive siempre! |
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TradingSpaces19 Member
since 2002-08-31
Posts 134Arvada, Colorado |
WOW! This is a great poem! Thank you for sharing. You do not need to change any of it, but it is awesome! I'm glad you know your dad because I have never known mine and I don't care about him anymore. Thank you again for sharing. Take Care and Keep writing, Andrea |
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ashley Junior Member
since 2002-10-31
Posts 10U.S. |
Miller Let me start with saying that I love this poem and that if I were you I wouldn't change a thing, but you know what they say- a writer's worse critic is the writer-so don't change the poem to fit into someone else's idea of a "great" poem. We all have different structures of "great" poems and this fits into my structure but I am not the writer you are so find ways that you think improves the poem and use them but don't let it change all the feelings in the poem. Write for yourself and take other's critisim in stride for if your not true to you why write at all? |
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