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brian madden
Member Elite

since 2000-05-06

Posts 4374
ireland

0 posted 2002-10-07 08:15 PM

In the name of
one word,
the truths of both
poet and brute reverse,
soon they’ll loathe
its burdening curse.

In the pursuit of
one word;
mute fools call love,
both ink and blood,
are shed ounce for ounce…
in equal amount.

From our fouled mouths,
every vowel, we dare
to declare is a cancer,
Deeply rooted,
From “I” to “U”
with “love,”
in between
us
Divided on either side
of its impossible riddle,
one word composed in the blood
of "U" and "I"
by brutes and poets,
The Universal concerto
of grand piano,
Oboe, Cello, and lead violin,
I played second fiddle, barely audible,
in the applause
I was not even mentioned,

In reflection.
I was never in question,
merely its mark;
with a meek spine
hunched to a hook.
Too blunt to tackle bait,
I sank in the pursuit
of the moonless tide.
At my feet a lead weight
holds me undertow.

Fathom by fathom
The distance to sea bed and your continental
grows by the gallon.

I wish I’d been the dolphin that breached your shore
deeply rooted
with “U” and “I”
in union
and “love”
between us.

In reflection
it was not an impossible riddle.
This One word
of unquestionable devotion,
to the brute and poet.
that was you and me.
on paper at least.
Yet in the flesh,
we failed to leave our mark on the ocean

As we sank, Fathom by fathom, drifting further apart.

And if there ever was a riddle
the answer should have been obvious
it is you.

The only word that ever mattered..

You.

==================

a bit of a change of style for me, and one that came after almost a year of writer's block. Your thoughts, advice, kind words and even barbed comments all welcome

El riesgo vive siempre!

millercm
New Member

since 2002-10-08

Posts 3

1 posted 2002-10-08 01:50 PM

I'm afraid I won't be much help as a critic on this one. I am not used to this style either, mine is more traditional. I definitely am not a professional, but I do like it.

Crazy Eddie
Member

since 2002-09-14

Posts 178

2 posted 2002-10-09 06:42 PM

Brian,

Lots of good parts here for the reader to get his/her teeth into, I wondered whether you’d considered changing ‘one word’ to ‘the word’. The only reason I ask is the biblical feel I got from the first two lines would lend itself to the elevation of the intended word above all others.

I wrote a complete slice and dice critique at this point offering advice on reduction methods I use to strip things down before I bulk them back up. I’m not posting it for two reasons, the first is that as an example I took your first verse and striped it down and then re-built it in steps. The problem is that the result was simply my rendition of what I thought you were trying to say (which would have been doubly unhelpful considering I can’t write

).

The second reason is that it read like I knew all the answers instead of being just another Joe asking questions, so I’ll restrict myself to a couple of comments.

It seemed a little wordy in parts and I started wondering at times if you knew exactly where you were going, it also seemed that in places you were just reiterating what you’d already said. It came together in the end though and I think it shows potential.

Christopher

Moderator

Member Rara Avis

since 1999-08-02

Posts 8296
Purgatorial Incarceration

3 posted 2002-10-10 02:53 AM

hey brian -

i agree with Crazy Eddie there for the most part. it did feel like you were wandering... quite a bit. i "felt" like you were twirling your toes in the water, saying "this is a poetic line," before throwing it in. (i do this, that's how i got the image, lol)

quote:
In the name of
one word,
the truths of both
poet and brute reverse,
soon they’ll loathe
its burdening curse.

sorry bri, but ack. kill the rhyme. it's completely unecessary here and ill fits the remainder of the poem. (besides, i hate rhyme, messes up perfectly good poetry

)

also - "burdening curse" - might be better if you find another way to state this in the rhyme-kill (assuming you choose to do that) because this sounds not only cliche, but slightly redundant; we know a curse is a burden.

quote:
In the pursuit of
one word;
mute fools call love,
both ink and blood,
are shed ounce for ounce…
in equal amount.

i think i get where you're going here... but i believe you can ditch this entire stanza. you basically repeat yourself in the next [better] stanza.

quote:
From our fouled mouths,
every vowel, we dare
to declare is a cancer,

getting much better here - i didn't even mind the internalized rhyming. *smile* the only suggestion i would have here is to ditch the comma between vowel and dare.

quote:
Deeply rooted,
From “I” to “U”
with “love,”
in between
us

this is an older idea rendered cool in a new way. the representation of the vowels as words is cool. i liked it. also, loved setting "us" on its own line because of the impact and the segue to the next portion.

quote:
Divided on either side
of its impossible riddle,
one word composed in the blood
of "U" and "I"

at first i didn't think i liked this, but with the precessor of "composed in blood" i changed my mind.

quote:
by brutes and poets,
The Universal concerto
of grand piano,
Oboe, Cello, and lead violin,
I played second fiddle, barely audible,
in the applause
I was not even mentioned,

again, love the idea. too much here though, dragging the metaphor out too far. i think you can still achieve the same impact with just stating that it's a concerto, and you played the "second fiddle." (which is cliche, admitted, but fits well here) love the last line - tides over the initial statements well.

ok, i think you get the idea. you have some good ideas here, and some cool lines, but honestly Brian? it feels like you're trying too hard to please your muse. i know she's been gone, but you don't have to cater completely to her.

peace m'friend.

Chris

[This message has been edited by Christopher (10-10-2002 02:55 AM).]

brian madden
Member Elite

since 2000-05-06

Posts 4374
ireland

4 posted 2002-10-11 02:15 PM

Eddie,
Ok the reason for using “one word” is that the hope poem is about the power of one word in this case love. It is not the word, it just a normal 4 letter word but it has such power. “I like you,” a nice compliment. “I love you” on a completely different level”.
If I used “the word” the poem would appear to be about God, which it is not.

A little wordy? In what sense, I think it is one the few poems were I ditched the big words. I guess you mean in terms of imagery over kill. Thanks for your input

Chris, well it is a searching poem. LOL isn’t that allowed.
Ok the reason for the first two stanza’s was to show how highly revered love is, how it inspires poets and brutes and how to quote “both ink and blood,
                                                 are shed ounce for ounce…
                                                in equal amount.”

I wanted to give some background to the power of this one word before moving on to explain how it affected the relationship in the poem.  Maybe if I cut the first rhyming stanza and leave the second one.
Though the first stanza introduces the image “brutes and poets” So maybe if I axe the “Mute fools” image and replace it with “brutes and poets”
To read:

“In the pursuit of
one word;
Poets and Brutes call love,”

The rhyme is not so bad in the second stanza.

I am beginning to think that “cancer” in the third stanza is a little too harsh,
What do you think of “virus”?  I can ditch the comma, I know why I put it there
but looking at it now I probably don’t need it.

“The Universal concerto
of grand piano,
Oboe, Cello, and lead violin,
I played second fiddle, barely audible”

The reason for the list of musical instruments was for three reasons

1. I wanted to show the part I played was completely drown out.

2. “Second fiddle,” it clashes with the list of instruments, I wanted the Concerto to have this grand Operatic feel to it, and some where in the din you had this lone fiddle, that did not belong. Ok I know the “second fiddle” contradicts this, or maybe you have lead fiddle and second fiddle. I don’t know much about musical instruments.

3.  The sounds, the rhyme created by the words. And lastly there metaphors for the emotions involved, or maybe the nature of the relationship depending on how you want to read it.
Maybe I like this poem because it is the first decent one I have written in ages, also it sums up a lot of emotions I could not voice for a long time. Ok I will try tweaking it. Thank you Chris for this in depth analysis, has been a huge help.

El riesgo vive siempre!

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