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Critical Analysis #2
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Nan
Administrator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-05-20
Posts 21191
Cape Cod Massachusetts USA

0 posted 2002-10-06 08:35 AM


Kamla made me do it - She dared me to post here... So you guys can have your way with this one.  Go ahead - Do your thing - I can take it...

Hearts on Wing

Fly off,
My downy pigeon.
Test your anxious wings.
Depart your sheltered nest
And learn what
Unfettered prolusion may bare
For you.
Yet, veer not from the flanks
Of the protective
Homing fold,
Lest your lone flight
Finds you unapprised,
Perched upon an insecure precipice
Descrying inquisitively upon
Delusive entreats from the
Throes of nesting urbanity.
Scintillating lights lure you
Into dark corners
Laden with cardboard blankets,
And tandem benches host
Hackneyed beguiling temptations
Masquerading as apoplectic
Bag dwellers with bulging sacks
Offering deceitful morsels
To obediently kept flocks,
Which peck their way to
Plumper lives ~
Wanting to suckle
Your sweetness, only then to
Cast you aside for
Yet another acquiescent featherling.
Your wanderlust and
Wanton flight may find you
In precarious skies
Where one lone pigeon is
Helplessly succulent prey for that
Gracefully soaring
Predatory she-hawk,
Flyring vulturously in wait
To stalk you and impale you with
Garish black talons,
Consuming you and devouring
Your innocence.
Beware, my sweet pigeon,
Lest you waft astray
And lose sight of the
Safety of your homebound brood,
While this languishing
Domestic nest revivifies its
Imperviously embracing shield ~
A sanctuary for a contented and
Sagacious aviant.
Fly off, my sweet pigeon,
Fly off.
Soar afar.
Fly off.
Alight within the
Sanctity of home

© Copyright 2002 Nancy Ness - All Rights Reserved
Crazy Eddie
Member
since 2002-09-14
Posts 178

1 posted 2002-10-06 09:45 AM


Lots of big words here and I think the vocabulary distracts the reader from the message, an extensive vocabulary is a good thing, in a similar way that salt is but used too liberally either can spoil the broth.

There are also a couple of possible inaccuracies of description that tripped me:

Yet, veer not from the flanks
Of the protective
Homing fold,

Homing fold would seem to suggest that the pigeon is a homing pigeon if so the suggestion that it didn’t veer from the protective flanks doesn’t ring true – it is in fact the exact opposite of what a homing pigeon is bred to do. Homing pigeons are released on mass in a remote location and then timed on their return to the home roost, they do not flock and definitely do not perch, they fly home by the shortest route and normally do it alone.

The part with the hawk is accurate although the reference to vultures seems odd, the two birds are, at least to me, so dissimilar in their nature and actions that the parallel confused me.

I’m presuming that there’s an overall message unrelated to pigeons in this piece, my first guess was that it was warning advice to a child or innocent as an introduction to the world. Then I wondered if it wasn’t more specifically aimed at these forums and the interactions that take place here. Neither really seemed to be clear enough for me to be certain and I think that certainty on the part of the reader is important. I don’t need to get the right meaning but I need to believe I’ve got the right meaning and unfortunately I was just left wondering whether there was any real meaning to get. Maybe that’s more my fault as a reader than an error in the writing but I thought I’d mention it in case it was any help.

All the above is of course only my opinion and thoughts, I claim no qualification to either critique or write poetry so please feel free to disagree or ignore my weak attempt.


[This message has been edited by Crazy Eddie (10-06-2002 09:47 AM).]

brian madden
Member Elite
since 2000-05-06
Posts 4374
ireland
2 posted 2002-10-06 01:52 PM


Nan,
I have to agree with Eddie on his points, your vocabulary is impressive but it does weight down the rhythm of this poem. I would also see the earlier lines being longer, having a slower flow up to the encounter with the She Hawk, where the sentences are suitably short. Let the words speak for themselves, if a simpler word can create a nicer flow,
use them.
eg
“Laden with cardboard blankets,
And tandem benches host”

The last few lines were perfect, not overstated, but gentle and emotive.

“Fly off, my sweet pigeon,
Fly off.
Soar afar.
Fly off.
Alight within the
Sanctity of home”

There is one more little complaint I have
“Consuming you and devouring
Your innocence.”

“Devouring your innocence” is weak in comparison to the rest of the poem,
You are amazing poet, capable of writing more powerful images than this.

Overall I enjoyed the read and glad that Kamla dared you to post this.

El riesgo vive siempre!

Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354
Listening to every heart
3 posted 2002-10-06 01:56 PM



I would only ask for one change...

"flyring"...

unless a bit of word play by you,
should read

"flying", yes?

Radrook
Senior Member
since 2002-08-09
Posts 648

4 posted 2002-10-06 03:28 PM


Coherent development!
Bursting with dramatic visual imagery!
I like this poem!

IMHO,
organizing the poem into stanzas would enhance the effect of the dramatic monologue. The following is how I would organize it.


Hearts on Wing

Fly off,
My downy pigeon.
Test your anxious wings.
Depart your sheltered nest
And learn what
Unfettered prolusion may bare
For you.

Yet,
veer not from the flanks
Of the protective
Homing fold,
Lest your lone flight
Finds you unapprised,
Perched upon an insecure precipice
Descrying inquisitively upon
Delusive entreats from the
Throes of nesting urbanity.


[Lest] scintillating lights lure you
Into dark corners
Laden with cardboard blankets
And tandem benches host
Hackneyed beguiling temptations
Masquerading as apoplectic
Bag dwellers with bulging sacks
Offering deceitful morsels
To obediently kept flocks,
Which peck their way to
Plumper lives ~
Wanting to suckle
Your sweetness, only then to
Cast you aside for
Yet another acquiescent featherling.

[Lest]
your wanderlust and
Wanton flight [] find you
In precarious skies
Where one lone pigeon is
Helplessly succulent prey for that
Gracefully soaring
Predatory she-hawk,
Flying vulturously in wait
To stalk you and impale you with
Garish black talons,
Consuming you and devouring
Your innocence.


Beware, my sweet pigeon,


Lest you waft astray
And lose sight of the
Safety of your homebound brood,
While this languishing
Domestic nest revivifies its
Imperviously embracing shield ~
A sanctuary for a contented and
Sagacious aviant.


Fly off, my sweet pigeon,
Fly off.
Soar afar.

Fly off.

Alight within the
Sanctity of home.


[He is being urged to fly off from his sheltered nest [home?] in order to reach home? Is this an intentional paradox?]


Good read!
Thanks for sharing!








[This message has been edited by Radrook (10-06-2002 03:32 PM).]

Robtm1965
Member
since 2002-08-20
Posts 263

5 posted 2002-10-08 08:14 AM


Nan

IMO it's not so much the use of some infrequently seen words in this piece that weigh it down, as the overwhelming use of modifiers.  

Adverbs and adjectives abound to the point where I feel almost as if I am wading through a thick syrup of words which entirely smothers the sound, tone and message in this poem.

I know that what I have just said is an oft and easily trotted out criticism of poems, but in this case I really think you need to ask yourself what you are adding to the poem by introducing so many modifiers which, in many instances, are so entirely abstract that they bring nothing to the images that the "underlying" nouns and verbs suggest.

Perhaps you will now be thinking that, for instance, the phrase "helplessly succulent prey" conveys something more than just "prey" , or even "succulent prey".  However firstly you need to consider whether the extended metaphor actually needs such an (misguided imo) attempt at precision.  Secondly, having decided that it does, you need to find a way of showing the reader what you want to convey about the prey rather than just slapping in a couple of modifiers which seek to tell us.  You can get away with this slightly lazy approach maybe once or twice in a poem of this length but certainly not in practically every line.

The other thing is that you need to watch your line breaks.  There are several here that seem weak, two of the worst offenders being:

And lose sight of the

and

A sanctuary for a contented and

Also I'd say that generally it is a bad idea to separate an adjective from its noun.  I know that there are occasions when this can be used to convey split meanings or create other effects, but it always seems to me to be somewhat of a cheap trick!  An example would be:

Masquerading as apoplectic
Bag dwellers with ...

I hope that I've been helpful.

Regards.

Rob

PS  And Eddie makes some good points about homing/racing pigeons.  Knowing that much about them he has to be a Brit though, and from Lancashire.  But I guess I won't hold that against him!

[This message has been edited by Robtm1965 (10-08-2002 08:24 AM).]

Crazy Eddie
Member
since 2002-09-14
Posts 178

6 posted 2002-10-08 05:06 PM



Rob,

If you'd have gone for the town and guessed Blackburn I'd have been really impressed.

Robtm1965
Member
since 2002-08-20
Posts 263

7 posted 2002-10-08 05:29 PM


I thought so.  

Call me Inspector Morse.


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